Friday, March 12, 2010

Riff-raff removed

One gas-guzzler, parked in the "with child" section for extra space

S&M today announced that the preliminary stage of its car park transformation has been an unmitigated success.

“Just look at the results”, beamed S&M spokesperson Claire Duncan-Biscuit, waving at the empty space.
Looking around it was clear that all those former customers, who once popped in for a small shop of a few items had been successfully discouraged from visiting. Presumably driven, quite literally, to Waitrose or Tesco.

Only one shiny 4x4 stood in the car park. “That’s close to the kind of customer base that we are trying to attract” enthused Duncan-Biscuit.

“We want to attract a different class of customer; one that doesn’t mind spending a bit extra for an enhanced shopping experience and doesn’t give a stuff about the environment.

“It was always our intention to make this bold move, and we will shortly be taking the next even bolder step. We will be turning this once overcrowded and popular car park into a helipad.

“Gone will be the bills for £7.20, our new customers will fly in from miles around and spend hundreds of pounds on their arrival. It is high time S&M’s helicopter-owning elite had somewhere to shop, and this will be it.”

Car park attendant Ray Gunn has not been busy of late, but he looked excited about his new role and showed us his brand new table tennis bats issued early so he can get in some practice.

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