Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Pub rumours are rumours about a pub insists spokesman

The former Red Lion is a 200-year-old coaching inn
once frequented by Beefeaters

The owners of the former Red Lion pub in College Street have denied rumours circulating about the current conversion. 

Netherregions, the national chain which purchased the 200-year-old inn for £800,000 last year, insists there is no issue with adapting the listed building to fit its new requirements.

Netherregions spokesman Jack Daniels (£1 per shot, two for the price of one before 1am) confirmed there was no problem with the building as far as the pub chain was concerned.

“I can confirm there is no problem with the building as far as the pub chain is concerned,” he said, indicating lazy journalism.

“If there is an issue it’s because we’ve run out of cash and that the builders keep finding unopened barrels of beer. We are charged extra if we use the scaffolding after 5pm, although we can have two workmen on it for the price of one between 1pm and 3pm Monday to Friday.”

Work on the pub, which was originally scheduled to re-open in January, was held up during the winter months while workmen built a large snowman and the refit is not expected to be completed until the new estate on The Causeway is built.

East Hampshire District Council council spokesman Murphy Guinness (£1.50 a pint during extended happy hours) explained: “They are proceeding along with their plans, which they have outlined to repair the building.

“As far as we are concerned the work they have carried out so far is in accordance with all the planning obligations that were set for them. We didn’t expect the work to be completed until after the Causeway Ghetto was completed – after all that’s exactly the sort of demographic Netherregions looks for in its drinkers.”

Local haberdasher, jeweller and self-appointed spokesman for Petersfield traders Matt Tress said: “We are obviously concerned about binge drinking. If Netherregions doesn’t open soon where are we going to do it?

“Petersfield is not overly endowed with good binge-drinking pubs. After all you can’t get anything for under a fiver in the Bad Intentions and nobody over the age of 20 ventures into The Gorge.

“And since the off-licence closed in Chapel Street there’s nowhere to buy cheap cider unless you schlep all the way to Tesco.”

Mr Daniels added: “We never give exact opening dates for any of our pubs. Usually the first people know about it is one day when vomiting teenagers stagger into the road at about noon.”

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