Petersfield's roadworks mystery is solved

The mysterious case of Petersfield’s disappearing roadworks has been solved.

At the beginning of the month, residents of Pulens Lane and nearby roads braced themselves for chaos after signs went up advising that the road would be closed for a week’s repair works.

Yet the daunting prospect of having to drive their 4x4s an extra half-a-mile to circumnavigate the roadworks never materialised as the road was never closed and the signs mysteriously disappeared after a week’s inactivity.

Rumours of alien abduction swept across the bar at the Drum public house as a man who had once staggered down Pulens Lane claimed he’d seen the roadworks collected up and put on to the back of a spaceship with flashing lights by little luminous green and yellow creatures.

More prosaically, it turns out the council simply exhausted its budget.

A spokesman for the council explained: “March is the time of year when we schedule dozens of superfluous road repairs simply because we have to use up all of our budget – or it gets cut the following year.

“This year we scheduled Pulens Lane for action but the cost of preparing those yellow signs with the flip-over numbers has gone up and once we’d manufactured and installed the signs there was no budget left to actually dig up the road. We had barely enough for the workmen to brew up before they took the signs down again.

“We had some spray cans of white paint left over, so we went round and marked up a few potholes but don’t actually expect to do anything with them until at least 2013/14.”

Garstang Leaf-Blower, a resident of Pulens Lane, said: “I had heard this rumour from a reporter with the Petersfield Newswire, but bizarrely this may actually be true. I think it’s also important to realise that Pulens Lane is actually in the parish of Sheet, not Petersfield. The two don’t mix really.”

The council spokesman confirmed more non-existent roadworks are planned for June, August and September. No delays are expected until October.

Petersfield's market survives 'class-war' scare

Normally the sight of fresh fruit and veg is

sufficient to keep away the working classes...

The monthly Farmers’ Market in Petersfield Town Square went off without a hitch yesterday – despite the appearance of several working-class families.

Organiser Felicity Price-Hike admitted she breathed a sigh of relief when the unexpected guests finally moved on to the 99p Store without deterring any of the regular, affluent 4x4-driving customers.

She said: “Petersfield is hugely proud of its multi-cultural nature, mixing as we do white middle class families with white lower-middle-class families.

"Market days are a great example of this multi-culturalism. Every Wednesday and Saturday the lower orders may come into town to pick up cheap school uniforms, boxes of broken biscuits, ethnic clothing and egg-and-bacon burgers.

“But once a month the square is turned over to a market for a better class of people. It sells things the working classes would never contemplate – soap for example.

“It was always our intention to create a sort of al fresco Waitrose, only more expensive. It never occurred to us that working-class people would consider purchasing small portions of goat’s cheese for £4 a time or a loaf of bread at £2.50.

“Yesterday’s influx of lower-caste specimens came as something of a surprise and there was a stand-off on a stall selling pheasant and pigeon when one of the newcomers opined ‘How much? You’re ‘avin a larf mate…’ But thankfully that was the closest we came to actual confrontation.”

She continued: “They even went to the effort of wearing country-check shirts, wax jackets and wellies, but we weren’t fooled. For a start the mothers didn’t have bob haircuts and they were driving rear-wheel drive cars – a dead giveaway.

“After about 10 minutes laughing and pointing at price-tags they moved off to get a coffee and wandered down to the 99p Store. Fortunately we had a local member of the Working-Class Watch Scheme keep an eye on them.”

Admiral Carr-Insurance Retd, of Toff Totty Drive, Steep, confessed he had not noticed any strangers.

“We were all too busy doing our monthly shop,” he smiled. “I picked up a whole sackful of game, bread and cheese for under £500 and I was too busy telling my friends about it and thrashing the valet to notice any ‘incidents’.”

Police confirmed the market went off without a hitch.

Constable Haywain said: “We did hear reports of insurgents in Petersfield, but as none of us have a clue where Petersfield is we just let nature take its course.”

Riff-raff removed

One gas-guzzler, parked in the "with child" section for extra space

S&M today announced that the preliminary stage of its car park transformation has been an unmitigated success.

“Just look at the results”, beamed S&M spokesperson Claire Duncan-Biscuit, waving at the empty space.
Looking around it was clear that all those former customers, who once popped in for a small shop of a few items had been successfully discouraged from visiting. Presumably driven, quite literally, to Waitrose or Tesco.

Only one shiny 4x4 stood in the car park. “That’s close to the kind of customer base that we are trying to attract” enthused Duncan-Biscuit.

“We want to attract a different class of customer; one that doesn’t mind spending a bit extra for an enhanced shopping experience and doesn’t give a stuff about the environment.

“It was always our intention to make this bold move, and we will shortly be taking the next even bolder step. We will be turning this once overcrowded and popular car park into a helipad.

“Gone will be the bills for £7.20, our new customers will fly in from miles around and spend hundreds of pounds on their arrival. It is high time S&M’s helicopter-owning elite had somewhere to shop, and this will be it.”

Car park attendant Ray Gunn has not been busy of late, but he looked excited about his new role and showed us his brand new table tennis bats issued early so he can get in some practice.

The animals came in 4x4s

Available as a reassuringly expensive add-on in many 4x4s

The recent snow has brought with it a sudden outbreak of arrogance in Petersfield, as middle-class 4x4 drivers use the snow to justify their ridiculous choice of gas-guzzling vehicles.

Initially just a light dusting of immodesty, great waves of smugness then blew in as 4x4 owners ponced about as if they owned the place. Unsurprisingly, Met Office monitoring stations have detected significant increases in arrogance, haughtiness and pomposity in the air.

Head of premium pricing at White Nose garages Daventry McAllister said : "Our latest range of 4x4s is designed specifically with the arrogant in mind. There's even a smugometer built into the dashboard. That way, you can wallow in pride as you destroy the environment and cause even more extreme weather conditions that only a car like that can survive."