A cock and bull story

A sign of the times

An East Meon farmer has been issued with a noise abatement notice to stop his cows moo-ing and his sheep baa-ing.

The move follows a successful gagging order on Colin the cockerel, whose early morning crowing upset neighbours in the nearby village of Ramsdean, who apparently couldn’t believe they were living in a rural idyll.

A clearly distraught Colin was last seen heading for London to pursue a career as a children’s TV character – or at least gain a place on Britain’s Got Talent.

However, the battle between those who want the countryside to clean up its act and belligerently loud farm animals has escalated with a herd of Friesians and a flock of lambs next in the firing line.

"I didn’t blow my £2.5million bonus on a weekend cottage in the countryside to put up with animal noises all day and night," moaned complete banker Sir Nigel Moral-less, who works for City investment group Blowitt & Fuckem and has launched the latest legal bid for rural silence.

"After working my arse off for a couple of hours each week I come out to my country retreat for some peace and quiet and don’t expect to have to put up with wild beasts like cows and sheep marauding around making weird noises.

"The smell of some of these animals is downright appalling too – we’ll have to put a stop to that next. Some of them simply crap in the field where they stand! Surely farmers should have more control over their products than that?

"And when I head off back to town in my 4x4 I don’t expect to have to dodge bloody great pheasants – who seem to think they can walk wherever they like – or drive my pristine machine through mud and God knows what else!

"Can’t these tractor drivers wash off their tyres before taking them on the public highway?

"As far as I can see the countryside is an absolute disgrace and most of the residents seem to live like, well, er, animals."

A passing cow whispered: "Mooo-ve out then you twat!"