Sex shop demanded for Petersfield

Petersfield residents have overwhelmingly called for Ann Summers to open a shop in the town.

A survey on East Hampshire’s leading spoof news website, Petersfield Newswire, showed that almost 90 per cent of people polled wanted the sex aids chain to open in preference to yet another coffee shop.

A spokesman for the swingers’ group Petersfield Residents Inspiring Carnal Knowledge (PRICK) insisted the store would boost flagging sex lives in the town and provide a fillip to Boots, Superdrug and the Bran Tub, who all sell vitamins for the over-50s.

“An Ann Summers shop would have major benefits for the town’s economy,” said Oliver Closehoff.

“Petersfield is a very staid and closeted environment and there is an awful lot of repressed sexual energy here … you only have to watch one of the Petersfield Hi-Lights am-dram productions to see that.

“A shop selling sexy lingerie and love toys has been needed here for some time. The knock-on effects for other retailers would be very telling. For example with so many older ladies in the town they will certainly need to sit down and have a cup of tea or coffee or even something stronger, which is a bonus for the coffee shops and pubs.

“Plus, huge inflatable penises are a prerequisite for those chav teenagers who hire a stretch limo for their prom night or hen night. The benefits to the town are lengthy.

“I’m very excited about the prospect, as you can see if you look closely.”

However, unsurprisingly, the thought of a sex-aid shop in Petersfield has outraged some.

Ben Dover, from the group for the serially outraged, Petersfield Residents Against Things (PRATS) said: “This is just the sort of thing that might happen if we don’t do something.

“So I’m off to do something. And so is my sister-on-law. Where did you say the shop was?” he asked as he flung his car keys into a pre-Georgian bed pan.

A spokesman for Ann Summers said: “Petersfield? Where the hell’s that?”