Bird-brained plan

Finger lickin' good, and that was just the pole-dancing club

Residents could pay a heavy, finger-lickin’ price after the ex-White Hart was snubbed in this year’s Petersfield In Bloom.

Owner Max Prophet has come up with a zinger of a plan to hit back at the ‘floral snobs’ who overlooked his ‘Victorian wild meadow’ effort to win the top horticultural accolade.

“How can someone with a couple of dried up window boxes beat my offering?” he moaned. “My installation has been described by professionals as akin to a vertical Kew Gardens, put in place for the delight of the Petersfield public.”

But Prophet has sworn vengeance on the town and has come up with a nightmare scenario.

“At first I considered turning the White Hart into a lap-dancing club, with massage parlour upstairs,” he revealed in an exclusive Newswire interview. “But then I realised that most members of PRAT (Petersfield Residents Against Things) would actually be it’s biggest customers – albeit by sneaking in the back door, so to speak.

“Then I hit on a scheme to really bring shame on the area. I can’t say too much about it but it’s a joint project with a certain Colonel from, er, Kentucky and it will give me revenge by the bucketload…bargain buckets, you might say.”

Blooming marvellous

 

 The stunning display at what was the White Hart

‘Petersfield in Bloom’ judges may have a difficult decision to make when deciding this year’s winners - unbelievable really when nearly all townsfolk thought the matter was going to be a mere formality.

The facade of The Ill Intent is such a splendid splash of colour this year that presenting the coveted award to anyone else did seem as though it would be a complete travesty.

The transformation of the front of the popular pub has been achieved in the worrying knowledge that the building could have been levelled at any time to make way for a Roman excavation.

But, there’s a new kid on the block.

What was once a rival pub, The White Hart has turned itself into a vertical garden and is a fantastic display of greenery with a splash of colour in the way of roses to set off the ivy. Even the ‘for sale’ signs have been removed to enhance the effect.

A passing Charlie Dimmock, who has struggled to find work on the telly lately, acknowledged the quality of the building. The bra-less dibber said: “This is architectural gardening of the highest order. You need to consider the healthy and vigorous growth and the fantastic form.

 Dimmock, trying to get somebody interested

in her water features

  

“This type of structural display doesn’t just happen, it takes years of planning and I understand the owners have been insistent that nobody parks anywhere near to the greenery to ensure healthy growth.

“This is a real ‘tour de force’; gardeners will come from miles around to see this.

“Do you know how I can get hold of the owners? Firstly I really think this display would benefit from a water feature here at the front. Secondly I need to speak to somebody about the clamp on my car...”

What ho! Graffiti outbreak hits Petersfield

An outbreak of wanton well-spoken, Victorian-style graffiti has hit Petersfield.

Police are investigating a series of messages sprayed all across the town each bearing the tell-tale individual stylings of one unknown miscreant.

The first appeared on the wall of the former pub Thw White Hart, soon to be turned into a tidy profit.

The graffiti read: “Brian ********* is a crook”. And although the sprayed words were soon painted over by a local firm of defamatory graffiti removal men, similar phrases have appeared elsewhere.

Brian ******** has subsequently been described as a blackguard (on the wall of the Taro Centre); a rapscallion (at the town’s railway station); a scoundrel (in Rams Walk); a damned swine (on the library notice board); a bounder (on six people in the Post Office queue); a ‘bargain hunter’ (on the wall of Matt Tress’ haberdashery shop – sale now on!); a charlatan (on all take-away coffee cups at Costa Coffee); and a ‘vile oaf’ (on the sign above VI Loaf Bakery).

Inspector Broom of the Yard, explained: “This is an unusual outbreak. Normally graffiti falls into two categories: the ‘such-and-such is a w****r’ variety, or the ‘BC 4 AF’ style which often uses a badly-drawn love-heart.

This latest outbreak appears to come from a different type of artist, maybe from the ‘positivist age’, where such words were not uncommon.

“As a humble copper, it is not within my bounds of authority to criticise graffiti in a context of aesthetics or the theory of beauty, merely the pursuit of a rational basis for graffiti appreciation.

“The variety of graffiti movements has resulted in a division into different disciplines, each using vastly different criteria for their judgments. Now then, now then…”

Using a skilled psychological criminal profiler police now have a firm idea of the sort of man they are looking for.

Police have issued this photofit picture of the sort of man they are looking for.

He is believed to be around 130-150 years old, probably wearing a stovepipe hat, with a long tailcoat, waistcoat and a fob watch. He is also likely to be adorned with mutton-chop whiskers and carrying an ornate walking cane.

A man who earns a living as an Isambard Kingdom Brunel lookalike is currently helping police with their enquiries.

Santa’s best-sleighed plans in disarray

 

Present delivery proves a drag for Santa this year

Many of Petersfield’s children failed to receive gifts yesterday as Santa was prevented from making his delivery by an over-zealous parking attendant.

A distraught Santa explained: “I only touched down very briefly outside what used to be the White Hart pub; I have to make my deliveries at very high speeds you understand.

“I can’t have been there for any longer than about a hundredth of a second and, would you believe it, I was clamped.

“I travel so fast I am normally imperceptible to the human eye, but these people are pretty quick off the mark. This has never happened before. Who could be so heartless as to clamp Father Christmas?

“I feel so sorry for the children; it really is terribly bad luck. My reindeer and I completed our round using my spare sleigh, but I certainly wasn’t going to spend another moment in Petersfield.”

The parking enforcement officer insisted he was simply following orders and felt no remorse for his actions.

“Remorse?” he said. “Wha zat mean? He parked din he? He stopped, an e shun’t ‘ave. ‘E told me ‘e was goin’ straight off, but vey all say dat. ‘E parked up and now ‘as to pay ve fine.

“An’ ‘is bleedin’ sheep crapped on ve car park.”

Happy Clampers

Trick or treat
 

The landlord of the White Hart has experienced an extraordinary turn of fortune since closing down the establishment, with profits soaring to the highest level in the pub's history.

With overheads cut to a minimum, landlord Max Prophet barely has time to count the cash these days as income from his " Petersfield Park and Fine" scheme comes pouring in.

Prophet said: "We all know the High Street can get really clogged up with cars and so we provide an alternative option to those wanting to park near the centre of town.

"We guarantee that if you park at the White Hart, you will not be asked if you want your car washed and you will be safe from old ladies swinging open their car doors.

"Our rates are not the cheapest in town, but we are still attracting many more customers than we ever thought possible, each of them looking for the perfect spot to park.

"We even got our parking supervisor to dress up for Halloween. It's always nice to give something back to the community. Ivan fitted his costume beautifully, and I'm sure he brought smiles to the faces of many people over the weekend as he growled at them asking for their £215 parking fine.

"This has been such a tremendous success; you should see what we have planned for Christmas.”

Stag do

The White Hart yesterday

Petersfield’s White Hart pub enjoyed its busiest evening for two years last night, when two vagrants broke into the premises and polished off 12 cans of Special Brew, and an out-of-date bag of honey roasted peanuts from behind the bar.

Any hope that this reversal in fortunes might lead to the inn reopening were swiftly dashed by landlord Max Prophet, who said: "Our small establishment is a financial casualty of the recession, the effects of which have been exaggerated by the arrival of a Netherregions pub over the road.

"We were already struggling in the current financial climate and the success of The Red Lion has merely been the nail in our already-prepared coffin.”

Prophet denied the White Hart was simply a rubbish pub, and that it was very rare for customers to wander in and stay for anything more than a polite half long before Netherregions took over the Red Lion.

And he refuted the suggestion that other pubs in the town are not losing trade to the Red Lion and that perhaps, a simple renovation might bring new life to the pub.

He added: "This is irrelevant now. The pub has failed, the building will rapidly become an eyesore, and the best thing for everybody would be for planning to be rushed through for a large block of flats.

"My wife and I find all this very stressful and we just want to be able to take time out in a little chalet that I have my eye on in the Seychelles ."