Thursday, December 30, 2010

What ho! Graffiti outbreak hits Petersfield

An outbreak of wanton well-spoken, Victorian-style graffiti has hit Petersfield.

Police are investigating a series of messages sprayed all across the town each bearing the tell-tale individual stylings of one unknown miscreant.

The first appeared on the wall of the former pub Thw White Hart, soon to be turned into a tidy profit.

The graffiti read: “Brian ********* is a crook”. And although the sprayed words were soon painted over by a local firm of defamatory graffiti removal men, similar phrases have appeared elsewhere.

Brian ******** has subsequently been described as a blackguard (on the wall of the Taro Centre); a rapscallion (at the town’s railway station); a scoundrel (in Rams Walk); a damned swine (on the library notice board); a bounder (on six people in the Post Office queue); a ‘bargain hunter’ (on the wall of Matt Tress’ haberdashery shop – sale now on!); a charlatan (on all take-away coffee cups at Costa Coffee); and a ‘vile oaf’ (on the sign above VI Loaf Bakery).

Inspector Broom of the Yard, explained: “This is an unusual outbreak. Normally graffiti falls into two categories: the ‘such-and-such is a w****r’ variety, or the ‘BC 4 AF’ style which often uses a badly-drawn love-heart.

This latest outbreak appears to come from a different type of artist, maybe from the ‘positivist age’, where such words were not uncommon.

“As a humble copper, it is not within my bounds of authority to criticise graffiti in a context of aesthetics or the theory of beauty, merely the pursuit of a rational basis for graffiti appreciation.

“The variety of graffiti movements has resulted in a division into different disciplines, each using vastly different criteria for their judgments. Now then, now then…”

Using a skilled psychological criminal profiler police now have a firm idea of the sort of man they are looking for.

Police have issued this photofit picture of the sort of man they are looking for.

He is believed to be around 130-150 years old, probably wearing a stovepipe hat, with a long tailcoat, waistcoat and a fob watch. He is also likely to be adorned with mutton-chop whiskers and carrying an ornate walking cane.

A man who earns a living as an Isambard Kingdom Brunel lookalike is currently helping police with their enquiries.

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