Crime prevention

 An officer tests out a new toy on loan from Surrey

The number of crimes reported in Hampshire has fallen, according to new Home Office figures released last week.

Muggings are up 10%, burglaries up 12%, robbery is up 8%, domestic violence is up 23% and fraud is up 3%. Identity fraud is up 36%, knife crime is up 17%, gun-related crime is up 13%, road crime is up 26% and drug crime is up 29%.

However, against this backdrop of increased disorder and criminality stands the fact that nearly all of East Hampshire’s police stations have been closed down.

Detective Superintendant Plod said: “I am proud to announce, that in line with official guidelines, from next year Hampshire Constabulary - Eastern Division, will operate from one solitary police station.

“It is anticipated this will cut our overheads by some 35%. Furthermore, we will be selling existing police stations, and expect this action to raise £3.5M for police funds. This should enable us to invest in some shiny new cars and some of those rather splendid Segway scooter things.”

We asked DS Plod how it is we are being told crime has reduced in the area when the truth appears to be the complete opposite.

“Reported crime has fallen,” he told us. “You need to find a policeman, or speak to one on the telephone to report a crime, and from what we understand most victims simply give up.

“I want to reassure the public, that in the face of adversity, we, the boys in blue, are always there to help. If for any reason you need assistance or need to report a crime, please call our strategic nerve centre in Alton on 01420 999 999, on a Wednesday between the hours of 14:00 and 14:05.”

Petersfield golfer shoots birdie

Happier times for Petersfield Golf Club’s goose

Petersfield Golf Club’s ex-club captain landed himself in court last week after shooting a birdie on the sixth.

Roger Deadfowl, a Petersfield Golf Club (PGC) member for more than 30 years, told Aldershot Magistrates Court he was acting under specific instruction from PGC general manager Larry Lion who had asked him to hunt down and kill the goose.

Lion refuted the accusation, claiming he told Deadfowl: “If you happen to kill it with one of your wayward chip shots, we’ll have to serve it up that way on the clubhouse menu, in other words with chips.

“I really didn’t mean for him to kill it; although I must say it tasted lovely, very tender, a bit like that swan we had last year.”

Deadfowl told jurors that the goose was: “A shitting machine ... shitting all over the greens, shitting all over the tees and shitting all over the fairways, in fact shitting all over the countryside. It was as if it was some sort of wild animal, it even defended itself noisily when provoked.”

Deadfowl was spotted committing the crime by fellow golfers Paul Cezanne and Vincent van Gogh, when he let the goose have it with both barrels of his sawn-off shotgun.

Gogh painted the scene for the police when they arrived at the golf club, and it wasn’t a pretty picture. “There was blood everywhere,” he said.

Somehow Deadfowl escaped punishment, claiming that for a wild animal to make noise and defecate in the countryside was a public health and safety risk.

Police to adopt zero tolerance in Petersfield

Police in Petersfield have requested the help of the community as they look to adopt a zero-tolerance policy on traffic offences in the town.

PC Brigade, who patrols the town on a six-monthly basis, explained: “We have started issuing tickets to people parking where they shouldn’t be. It is a revolutionary idea but we think it might work.

“And we are adopting a zero-tolerance policy. On the rare occasion we may visit the town, if there’s anybody parked illegally we will issue a ticket – it will cost a minimum of £40, but does include a three-course lunch, welcome drink and a raffle, with all proceeds going towards the police benefit charity.

“But we can only ease the parking problem in the town with the help of the community, so we are asking residents not to park illegally. Again, it’s a simple idea but we believe it may prove more effective than yellow lines and no-parking signs.”

If the scheme is successful PC Brigade believes the police authorities may adopt it to deal with other issues.

He added: “It’s not inconceivable that we may ask people nicely if they could stop taking drugs, avoid breaking into people’s houses and refrain from punching each other’s lights out in the Square on a Friday and Saturday night.

“If they don’t we may be forced to post a polite note through their letterbox asking if they could spare the time to come down to the station and maybe undertake a visit to a local court.”

Just add clotted crime

The latest local crime report circulated by Petersfield Neighbourhood Watch suggests a worrying trend ... towards the trivial.

In what might be seen as a coordinated wave of food-related crimes (but probably isn't), the following incidents are reported by Hampshire Police:

• Fruit thrown at property in Buster Walk.
• Eggs thrown in Marden Way.
• Biscuits stolen from Privett village hall.
• Youths throwing apples at Petersfield house.
• Twenty curly kale cabbages nicked from Kelsey allotments in Liss.
• A hooded youth spotted outside Waitrose.

Officers have gathered together all the evidence and made a pie. With a curly kale starter.

Speaking with his mouth full, PC Daventry McAllister said: "What did you expect? Letting this lot go to waste would be, er, criminal."

Petersfield Newswire Interactive Plus

We're looking for the best original recipe which combines these ingredients in the exact proportions reported by local Police. Please send all entries to Petersfield Newswire offices marked with a nutritional value analysis and best before date.