Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Petersfield golfer shoots birdie


Happier times for Petersfield Golf Club’s goose

Petersfield Golf Club’s ex-club captain landed himself in court last week after shooting a birdie on the sixth.

Roger Deadfowl, a Petersfield Golf Club (PGC) member for more than 30 years, told Aldershot Magistrates Court he was acting under specific instruction from PGC general manager Larry Lion who had asked him to hunt down and kill the goose.

Lion refuted the accusation, claiming he told Deadfowl: “If you happen to kill it with one of your wayward chip shots, we’ll have to serve it up that way on the clubhouse menu, in other words with chips.

“I really didn’t mean for him to kill it; although I must say it tasted lovely, very tender, a bit like that swan we had last year.”

Deadfowl told jurors that the goose was: “A shitting machine ... shitting all over the greens, shitting all over the tees and shitting all over the fairways, in fact shitting all over the countryside. It was as if it was some sort of wild animal, it even defended itself noisily when provoked.”

Deadfowl was spotted committing the crime by fellow golfers Paul Cezanne and Vincent van Gogh, when he let the goose have it with both barrels of his sawn-off shotgun.

Gogh painted the scene for the police when they arrived at the golf club, and it wasn’t a pretty picture. “There was blood everywhere,” he said.

Somehow Deadfowl escaped punishment, claiming that for a wild animal to make noise and defecate in the countryside was a public health and safety risk.

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