News on the dark side

A shot in the dark 

Thieves broke in to a Folly Market shop stealing jewellery and other goods that could be melted down for profit. Police are asking for anyone who has recently been offered a quantity of plastic to contact them urgently.

 Energy saving lights?

Petersfield Town's great Christmas light switch on took place on Friday, coinciding with the launch of the 'Christmas Trail', a treasure hunt which invites participants to spot out of place items in the High Street.

Immediately obvious to all, but reminiscent of the good old days, was the lady dressed as a traffic warden who could be seen pacing around the town.

Black cat

A Sheet household who all but stole a cat are pleading for the real owners to come forward as it is eating them out of house and home. The Ateatstoomuchs of Outwomans Lane enticed the cat into their home with morsels of tuna but are now beginning to realise how much it costs to feed the three-stone moggy. Mike Ateatstoomuch told Newswire: "We unreservedly apologise to the owners of the cat, but plead with them to come forward and take the ruddy thing back."

How do you like it - underexposed?

Pumpkin is being reunited with some of her family this week, and she will be accompanied on her journey by two of her sisters. We are joining forces with the Petersfield Proust and offering you the opportunity to win a leg of lamb if you can correctly identify what type of creature Pumpkin is from the above photograph.

Images courtesy of the Petersfield Proust, whose photographer has asked us to make an on-line appeal for a Nikon battery charger. If you can help please contact Len Scap direct at the Proust offices.

I’m a poet and no-one knows it

Violet Olddear seething yesterday

A Petersfield pensioner has launched a stinging attack on professional poet Spam Spares, claiming the famous wordsmith stole her work.

Violet Olddear, 97, couldn’t believe her ears when she went along to a show by Spares at Sheet Village Hall.

“I couldn’t believe my ears…possibly because I’m a bit deaf,” confirmed Violet. “But I know what I heard – and I heard Spam reading out one of my poems and claiming it was hers.”

The former engine stoker says she sent the poem in question, The Cat, to Spam to see what she thought of it, and was dismayed to hear it read out loud at the show.

The dispute must now be settled in court before the controversial work can be included in a new collection of poems by Spares, who shot to semi-fame for about a fortnight in the ‘70s.

She appeared on TV’s Old Faces – a kind of forerunner to The X Factor – reading a poem about her teeth, and has been attempting to live off that fleeting moment of semi-celebrityness ever since.

Poetry expert Fred Stanza says the poem is almost certainly by Spares, commenting “The symmetry is perfect – this is obviously the work of a professional.”

Judge for yourself here’s the disputed poem in full:

My cat sat on the mat
And then he ate my hat
What do you think of that?
Drat, drat, drat, drat…drat

Mrs Olddear added “This is not the first time someone has stolen my work. I wrote a poem back in the ‘80s called Panic On The Streets Of Steep and it was used without my permission by that young Morrissey Smith fellow.

“And I wrote another one called I’m A Twisted Firestarter, which I later heard on the radio set to some awful modern beat. And don’t get me started on that John Lemming chap I met once in Liverpool…”

Cat nip

An ungrateful and angry cat owner was today reunited with her pet, after the animal had caught a bus to Liphook and stayed there for something of an extended holiday.

Oddball, named because of her distinctive face, was returned to livid Petersfield resident Anna Mullover after being missing for two full months.

It transpires that on alighting the number 23 bus, Oddball had made her way to The Royal Anchor pub where she really landed on her feet, being taken in and fed salmon, monkfish or tuna for the duration of her stay.

Juan Fatharoad at The Royal Anchor said: “ Oddball obviously likes a drink, a few of the locals first of all tried her with the odd sip of gin or vodka, but it soon became apparent champagne is her tipple of choice.”

After eight weeks, one of the bar staff thought to read the tag around Oddball’s neck and rang Mullover to pass on the good news that her pet cat was safe and sound.

The cat was returned to Mullover who now has a hefty bill to pay for Oddball’s holiday. The invoice comprises a £20 taxi fare home, £325 for food, £435 for lodging and a massive £632 for drink.

Although they have yet to confirm it, there is every chance that Stagecoach will also be in touch to recoup the £5.84 owing from the outward trip.