Petersfield's pizza posters pasta joke admits Justice Secretary

A typical Petersfield doormat this morning ...

the lower end of town clearly

Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke is to push an act through Parliament which will allow householders in Petersfield to bludgeon to death anybody delivering pizza menus through their door.

The veteran minister, who first served in a Tory government in the 19th century, wants to ensure householders are not prosecuted for violently killing anybody trespassing on their property.

And the latest addition to the proposed white paper, relating to pizza leaflets in Petersfield, follows a direct appeal from the local MP, Damian Hindsight.

Hindsight explained: “At my weekly surgery in Petersfield there are always three things that crop up more than any other: the excessive amounts of pizza leaflets delivered through people’s door; teenagers who wear their trousers halfway down their buttocks; and the lack of a good juggler on Britain’s Got Talent.

“The Justice Secretary’s proposal will allow residents to use ‘reasonable force’ against anybody found delivering pizza leaflets – and anybody who lives in Petersfield knows that ‘reasonable force’ will just about cover anything as far as this goes.

“Only last week an elderly man had his leg crushed when a pile of pizza leaflets in his hallway tumbled over and pinned him to the wall. Clearly those responsible should be beaten to within the thick cheese-filled crust of their life. And made to provide complimentary potato wedges for life with every order over £15 – Tuesdays only. Does not apply to home delivery.

“We will, however, protect the right of the entrepreneurial barista to charge up to £5 for a cup of coffee in the town.”

Clarke told the House of Commons: “There is no doubt that you or I or anybody else is entitled to use reasonable force to defend ourselves and to protect ourselves or our homes from excessive pizza leaflets. That has to be the law and we are going to make that absolutely clear. We are clarifying the law.”

A spokesman for the East Hampshire branch of real-ale-drinking environmentalist group Greenpissed also welcomed the ruling, saying it would have a positive effect on the environment.

“It will also have a positive effect on the environment,” he said. “Every year in Petersfield alone the council has to dispose of 400,000 tons of pizza menu leaflets at a cost of £500,000 to the taxpayer. Even if we just recycled it correctly the change would be huge as the pulp would be sufficient to build a three-storey coffee shop in town.”

Not everybody welcomed the news, however. Local resident and caterer Papa John said: “This is clearly an infringement of our human rights. It is the inalienable right of every man – and woman Reg – to be able to post an unspecified amount of crap through a neighbour’s letterbox. Although I have to admit that lot from Domino’s Pizzas do take the piss…”

Top that

You can now get one job interview

free with every job interview (Tuesdays only)

Papa John's pizzeria has received a financial boost following the news that East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) has promised to help fund the takeaway service.

Young people struggling to find any sort of employment who are being forced to take up the most embarrassing and low paid of jobs, are to be supplied with mopeds so they can deliver pizza for Papa John's.

The 'Wheels to Work' programme will provide 12 fully taxed and insured 50cc mopeds for a nominal charge of £12 per week each.

Pizza Transportation Technicians can reap a salary of £3.57 per hour (the minimum wage) plus all drunken overpayments, which can be substantial.

Drew Bennie Fitz, Jobcentre Plus manager for Petersfield, said: "EHDC is helping us to get the unemployment figures down ahead of the impending election. I think this is a great initiative and should enable us to place some of those individuals that we had considered unemployable.

“Appearance can be important for some employers, but by working in the dark and wearing a helmet we should be able to find jobs for some of the spottiest mingers.

"We'll also spend some of the money on safety training - when delivering pizzas stacked with cheese you have to ride very caerphilly.”

The Domino’s effect

A Petersfield man has built a life-size replica of the town’s King Billy statue – entirely out of unwanted flyers from Papa John’s and Domino’s.

"I stacked up two days’ worth as they came through my front door and realised that it closely resembled the plinth of the statue in the Square," said Dave Geek, of Cranford Road.

"It was another two weeks before my recycling bin was due to be emptied and I was off work with a broken toe after a pile of Petersfield Directories fell on my foot.

"I had nothing else to do and the flyers just kept on coming, so I decided to put them to good use – and on top of the plinth I fashioned a statue of King William and his horse out of papier mache made from the leaflets.

"It was great. Every time I almost ran out another load would appear on the doormat, as if they knew I was in need of extra supply.

"I was almost sick when I saw the one advertising strawberry pizza but I was in full flow by then and determined to finish."

Geek is going to take his statue on a tour of the town in a bid to find a new resting place for the real thing – so it can be moved to make way for more farmers’ markets in the square.

The tour will start at the McDonald’s roundabout where it is thought the statue could act as a welcoming vision for the town. Other possible sites include Tesco’s car park (they could probably afford it); the car park behind the Festival Hall (well if you can squeeze a funfair in there anything’s possible); and the civic dump in Bedford Road (the inevitable destination for Geek’s model if not the real monolith).