the lower end of town clearly
Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke is to push an act through Parliament which will allow householders in Petersfield to bludgeon to death anybody delivering pizza menus through their door.
The veteran minister, who first served in a Tory government in the 19th century, wants to ensure householders are not prosecuted for violently killing anybody trespassing on their property.
And the latest addition to the proposed white paper, relating to pizza leaflets in Petersfield, follows a direct appeal from the local MP, Damian Hindsight.
Hindsight explained: “At my weekly surgery in Petersfield there are always three things that crop up more than any other: the excessive amounts of pizza leaflets delivered through people’s door; teenagers who wear their trousers halfway down their buttocks; and the lack of a good juggler on Britain’s Got Talent.
“The Justice Secretary’s proposal will allow residents to use ‘reasonable force’ against anybody found delivering pizza leaflets – and anybody who lives in Petersfield knows that ‘reasonable force’ will just about cover anything as far as this goes.
“Only last week an elderly man had his leg crushed when a pile of pizza leaflets in his hallway tumbled over and pinned him to the wall. Clearly those responsible should be beaten to within the thick cheese-filled crust of their life. And made to provide complimentary potato wedges for life with every order over £15 – Tuesdays only. Does not apply to home delivery.
“We will, however, protect the right of the entrepreneurial barista to charge up to £5 for a cup of coffee in the town.”
Clarke told the House of Commons: “There is no doubt that you or I or anybody else is entitled to use reasonable force to defend ourselves and to protect ourselves or our homes from excessive pizza leaflets. That has to be the law and we are going to make that absolutely clear. We are clarifying the law.”
A spokesman for the East Hampshire branch of real-ale-drinking environmentalist group Greenpissed also welcomed the ruling, saying it would have a positive effect on the environment.
“It will also have a positive effect on the environment,” he said. “Every year in Petersfield alone the council has to dispose of 400,000 tons of pizza menu leaflets at a cost of £500,000 to the taxpayer. Even if we just recycled it correctly the change would be huge as the pulp would be sufficient to build a three-storey coffee shop in town.”
Not everybody welcomed the news, however. Local resident and caterer Papa John said: “This is clearly an infringement of our human rights. It is the inalienable right of every man – and woman Reg – to be able to post an unspecified amount of crap through a neighbour’s letterbox. Although I have to admit that lot from Domino’s Pizzas do take the piss…”