Lofty Conversion

 High winds tear the plastic uncovering the alterations

The Catholic church in Station Road, Petersfield is undergoing something of a conversion.

High above the town under green plastic sheets, the church, most famous as the regular haunt of Alec Guiness (and that was before he died) is undergoing alterations to bring it in line with the needs of the 21st century.

With congregations dwindling, the Catholic church has taken drastic measures to keep a foothold in the town.

Father Dan X Pected said: "I know this will prove controversial, but the alternative was to close down the church or lease it to Starbucks who are looking to set up a cafe in town, and surely we have more than enough of those.

"I have agreed to lease a large part of the building to a well-known food outlet which plans to turn the main body of the church into a drive-through restaurant.

  

"My congregation, as part of the deal, will still get to use the vestry for our own services and the Lady Chapel at Christmas and Easter.

“We in turn will have more stale bread than my congregation will be able to eat and a special blackberry thick-shake thing, that I am told I will be able to use instead of wine.

"I remind you of a famous parable, the feeding of the five thousand - Matthew 14:15-21. The Lord would not have his people go hungry and this way cheap food will always be available.”

C D Bunn, in charge of premises procurement for the fast food chain, could hardly contain his delight.

"We all know how difficult it would be to get planning permission within the South Downs National Park  boundary, let alone for a fast food restaurant, so this is something of a coup. What can I say, I’m lovin’ it!”