Undercover Police Work

One of our boys in burberry

A police officer working in Tor Way in Petersfield, has been accused of using underhand tactics to catch speeding motorists.

PC Burberry caught Owen Lee Meselftoblame on his speed camera, after leaping out from behind an oak tree and catching the driver by surprise.

Meselftoblame was then stopped further down Tor Way by another officer who fined him £60 for not wearing a seatbelt.

“This is so unfair” said Meselftoblame. “My seatbelt popped out when the officer dressed as a chav startled me; I mean you don’t expect an officer of the law to be throwing shapes behind a camera in the hedgerow do you?”

We asked PC Burberry why he was dressed like a twat and whether this was a new police tactic?

PC Burberry told us: “When I arrived for work this morning, I found Petersfield Police Station had been closed down. I can’t get in and my uniform is hanging in my locker.

“I have no alternative but to carry out my duties wearing my own clothes. I know it’s not ideal but there you are.”

Since speaking to PC Burberry Newswire understands the old Police Station has been broken into, as a spate of local burglaries continues. The officer should now at least be able to get into the building to get his uniform back.

Park is ‘all trees and that’

A chav remonstrates

Coachloads of day trippers have branded the new South Downs theme park ‘a complete letdown’ – just days after its opening.

Hordes of chavs from Portsmouth and south London descended on Petersfield after reading about the new park on Farcebook, but things soon turned angry.

“It’s just all trees and that,” moaned 15-year-old Chasney Jobseeker of Leigh Park. “There’s no rollercoasters, no fairy castle, and no pub.

“There’s not even any attendants dressed up as pointlessly facile condescending Disney-style characters to pat us on the head and hoodwink us into accepting the unacceptable con of multinational consumerism.”

Her friend Alopecia Chuffbox whined “She’s right. There’s nuffink here! There aint even any long queues, it’s all just walking about in the open air – rubbish!”

The teenagers were backed up by the youth worker who organised the trip, Dudley Dogooder, who said “It’s a bit of a con. These youngsters need something to inspire them and show them there’s a world outside the concrete jungle they live in – and these days fantastic scenery, a close-up look at British wildlife and a chance to ride mountain bikes just won’t cut it.

“To be fair there is a gift shop selling overpriced tat that you don’t need – that was the one high spot. But the refreshments were far too fresh and healthy.

“Surely with a bit of effort they could have got a MacDonalds or Burger King on site – or even a Beefeater pub for the posh people. They would probably have sponsored a rollercoaster if they’d only been asked.”

A theme park spokesman was too stunned to comment.