Star ring roles

Jude Law and Johnny Depp spotted in Petersfield's

Costa Coffee and Millets.

A man has lost not just one, but three rings while shopping in the quaint market town of Petersfield.

The man, Bill Bow, is said to be distraught and insists it is hugely important he is reunited with the rings that he says are “preciousssss”.

Bow said: “I was having quite an ordinary day. I’d completed my shopping and had settled down for second breakfast at Costa Coffee in town. It was then that I was confronted by a wizard and an elf. You don’t expect that in Petersfield.

“Of course these were no ordinary mythical characters ... it was actually Jude Law and Johnny Depp, and before long they started questioning me about my preciousssss rings.”

It turns out the duo knew more about the rings than Bow did and they had already been down to Millets to kit themselves out for what they described as the “Quest” of finding them.

Despite Bow insisting he ‘lost them’ around town, the pair seemed set on starting their quest at the Mines of Hindhead. The staff in Costa tried to explain that this was actually the entrance to the soon-to-be-opened Hindhead Tunnel, but the stars were not to be put off.

If you have any information about the missing rings or have seen any more of Depp or Law dressed peculiarly, please contact Newswire at stuff@petersfieldnewswire.co.uk.

Last-minute drama at Petersfield Festival of Food & Drink

The heat proved too much for one

member of the Petersfield SWAT team 

Visitors to Petersfield's world-renowned Food & Drink Festival were forced to dive for cover this morning when an East Hampshire SWAT team swooped on a stall-holder selling organic Spanish cucumbers.

Six armed officers dropped into the town square from a hovering chinnook after Spanish farmer Juan Forderoad began selling the produce from a stall next to a bouncy castle.

Five of the officers surrounded Snr Forderoad's stall, while the sixth yo-yoed between the square and the helicopter after landing on the bouncy castle.

A stand-off ensued for half-an-hour with the SWAT team ordering the stall-holder to 'hit the deck', while he in turn threatened to force-feed a passing tourist with an organic cucumber.

A truce was called when the officers became too hot in their Kevlar tunics and began to strip off, causing more visitors to dive for cover and an 84-year-old town councillor to faint. She had only just recovered after seeing the size of Snr Forderoad's cucumber.

The confrontation was broken up when everybody was distracted by the appearance of a traffic warden. The armed officers then arrested the stall-holder and took him off to Costa Coffee where one of them was heard to yell: "HOW MUCH? Are you taking the p***!"

Tourist John Selwyn-Gummer witnessed the shocking events and said: "Culinary terrorism is a very real threat in the 21st century. We should be very proud of our boys in blue ... and black ... and metal protective clothing ... and night goggles.

"I heard people say this was an over-reaction but it was a necessary show of force. Disaffected minorities are increasingly turning to organic cucumbers and we must be vigilant at all times. This stuff is dangerous. Now excuse me, I'm off to buy some British beef..."

■ The Petersfield Festival of Food & Drink continues until late Sunday afternoon.

Snow brings chaos to town

Polish car cleaners take a break outside

Waitrose - "this is summer day..."

Petersfield was in crisis today after experiencing 1/30th of the average snowfall in December in just one day.

Cars were forced to stick to the speed limit, children arrived at school on time after being kicked out early by concerned parents, 4x4 drivers panic-bought boxes of sun-dried tomatoes, and Costa Coffee ran out of those little chocalatey sticks they put in the top of the cream in the festive lattes.

Petersfield Big School's head teacher, Dee Tention, said: "We were gobsmacked this morning. Most of the kids were in on time, apparently because their parents were so concerned about them being late they kicked them out of the house at about 6am.

"It was totally unexpected. Most of the staff weren't in. They were all still in bed because we had our staff party last night in a marquee on the new artificial pitch. It was great - we had lots of caviar and champagne all paid for by the oil we discovered recently.

"And we wouldn't have been able to do that if we still had that bloody great tree."

The town's popular Big Issue seller was still in place at her normal hour, however, and her work ethic was applauded by career councillor Albert Halls-Committee.

"This is the sort of dedication more workers should show," he said. "If she had a bed she would have been out of it early just to take up her normal spot."

Other non-indigenous workers in the town were also in action at the normal time.

Win Screenworscher, originally from Warsaw, was in the town's central car park at 7am saying: "De-ice your car today sir? Spread dirt around on your completely unnecessary 4x4 madam?"

Bizarrely, he was dressed in beach shorts and a T-shirt.

He explained: "One shentimentre of snow and town grinds to standshtill. Is bullshit. In Poland, this is summer day..."