Beautiful results in Petersfield

 Betty would never have been used for a 2011 results photoshoot

Bojangles, Petersfield’s posh school has celebrated a record year for A level results.

A spokesman for the school confirmed that in 2011 no ugly girls or any boys received A level results – only attractive young girls, as shown by the pictures sent to the Petersfield Proust and the Times Educational Supplement (TES).

The spokesman admitted: “Naturally we always get good results at Bojangles – parents who pay through the nose to send their snotty kids here would not expect anything else. But in previous years boys and unattractive girls – some right mingers among them – have achieved high grades.

“This year we were delighted it was only pretty girls who achieved their results. We were sadly short of a set of blonde twins, but we feel we did quite well with what was available to us. What’s more they were ideally unable to keep hold of the pieces of paper upon which their results were printed, constatly throwing them into the air for dramatic effect." 

“There is great competition among schools, particularly in the private sector, to produce stunningly beautiful A* students and we are proud we seem to have surpassed our rivals in this field.

“It’s all very well getting five A*s and a good degree at Oxbridge, but only high cheekbones will ultimately allow you to find a millionaire husband. At Bojangles we specialise in producing students ideally equipped for this challenge of society. Plus we also run some extra-curricula courses in cannabis growing for those unfortunate enough not to have the perfect figure.”

The TES confirmed that Bojangles had sent the newspaper “pictures of girls celebrating their GCSE results. None included male students or ‘dowdier’ girls”, while a message “from Badminton School , in Bristol , said “Just wanting to give you some details of some absolutely ‘beyootiful’ girls we’ve got here who are getting their A level results tomorrow. Some lovely stories ... They’re amazing girls.”

Following today’s release of GCSE results, a spokesman for Petersfield Big School said: “We were bitterly disappointed with our GCSE coverage this year. Even though our pass rate was up, we made the classic mistake of offering up an overweight, spotty boy for the press picture.

“He has 12 A-stars and was offered a place at both Cambridge and Oxford to read law but unfortunately he was deemed ‘not the right media profile’ for any coverage at all. Plus he was unable to jump more than a couple of inches while waving his results notification..." 

Let’s face it kids, if you don’t get A levels plastic surgery is the only option.

Divine Intervention

Iraqi vicar pleased with welcome
 

Petersfield Big School (PBS), received a visit from the vicar of Baghdad this week.

Sheik Yajosticks arrived at the school in a large black limosine and on arrival was ushered into the newly refurbished PBS reception suite, complete with bar and massage facilities.

The cleric's welcome was put together by girls from the dance faculty and was a modern take on the dance of the seven veils.

The holy man did preach very briefly to a number of students who were forced into the main hall to listen to him, but it seems likely the primary reason for his visit was to discuss the oil that was struck beneath the school site last year.

It is thought that PBS is trying to forge lucrative links with the Middle East, without drawing unwanted attention to the talks.

If Sheik Yagosticks was not here to see the oil, it would be difficult to explain why he arrived with a hard hat under his arm.

Petersfield school forced to use spotty child to open exam results

Oil be damned, a casino at Petersfield Big School

Petersfield Big School is celebrating after achieving a record-breaking set of GCSE exam results – with even pupils who didn’t take exams recording A* grades.

A total of 114 per cent of students gained five or more passes at grade A* to C delighting head teacher and statistics specialist Dee Tention.

She said: “These figures are outstanding. It’s not often a school can lay claim to getting more than 100 per cent of its students with A* to C grades.

“And it shows what a fallacy it is that exams are getting easier. We had 135 pupils entered into GCSE exams this year and 142 gained at least one A* to C grade.

“ Petersfield Big School has enjoyed an exceptional year with returns on our land-grab and oil drilling now enabling us to build a casino and nightclub adjacent to the staff hangar.

“Our only disappointment was that we failed to find an attractive blonde girl with pert breasts and a short skirt to jump up in delight when the exam results were opened. We had been advised that if we could guarantee such a picture, both the BBC and national newspapers would be in attendance.

“Maybe we can line something up for next year. It will probably be easier year on year.”

Also celebrating was nearby fee-paying school Bojangles which has reported a record cannabis harvest.