All change to no change

Petersfield parking tokens

East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) has announced that it expects to earn an extra 30 pence per day when the increased car park tolls take effect on October 1.

The minimum price is set to rise from 90p to £1, in Petersfield’s largest two car parks* but the reality is that most paying car park users shove a pound coin in the slot anyway.

Waitrose shopper May Dermunny said: “I really can’t be bothered to scratch around for change and always pop a pound coin in the machine.”

Bell Hill old-timer Arthur Wrytiz chimed in: “The Waitrose car park takes small change right down to a 5p piece, but I find it takes me ages to feed a number of coins into the machine, especially when it spits half of them back out again.”

Ray Kittin, manager of EHDC’s ‘Unwanted Gold’ campaign, explained: “First of all we want to make it quite clear that we are only raising the prices to improve the parking experience for all Petersfield residents.

“We all know what it’s like to stand in the cold when an annoying old duffer is struggling with his or her small change, or some inconsiderate yummy mummy is taking the opportunity to show her precious Hermione how to feed small coins into the machine.

“From October, not only will the price of a two-hour stay rise from 90p to £1 but also only pound coins will be accepted. Actually that’s not strictly true, two pound coins will also be accepted, but no change given. And that’s in the 50 per cent of machines that are actually in working order at any given time.

“While we accept that we will not make much profit from this increase, with most people already paying a pound, the small profits we do make should pay for the new signage and adaptations to the machines by 2043.”

*The calculation of which are Petersfield’s largest car parks does not include the town itself, which is to all intents and purposes one big car park these days.

Baby of the Year Competition

 Daniel and Jessica, a couple of early

entries into the nought to nine months category

Newswire’s annual Baby of the Year Competition is officially open; paving the way for all the proud parents of Petersfield to submit photos of their progeny and establish bragging rights over their peers.

Don’t forget, looks aren’t important. What really matters is having a large and loyal band of yummy-mummy friends who are willing to dedicate time and money voting for your child.

The little darlings will be split into four initial age bands: up to nine months; 10 months to 18 months; 19 months to three years; and the over-threes.

The winners will be decided entirely by public vote, so the competition couldn’t be fairer. With no one person being able to vote more than once during any 10-minute period.

So if you have an organised grandparent, with nothing better to do, who has an untreatable sleep disorder, they could actually vote up to 144 times in any one day.

Klaus who has been entered a few times,

tries his luck in the over threes category

Don’t delay, get your pictures in today and put yourself in with a chance of winning a framed photo of your child from Bread-and-Butter Photography.

Len Skloth, speaking on behalf of Bread-and-Butter Photography, said: “We are delighted to be associated with this competition. Many of the parents whose child doesn’t win a prize end up paying us a fortune for a compensatory photo shoot. You simply can’t buy this type of advertising.”

Avast Sum Raised

Blackmoor and Whitehill’s recent WI meeting, which saw the ladies dressed as sailors, pirates and admirals was hailed by them as a great success.

The ladies, whose average age was 68, had dressed in nautical theme because they were to be entertained by the Kings Pond Shanty Men, not forgetting their parrot, that we understand flew in specially from Alton.

The event raised £135.76 which was donated to the Royal National Lifeboat Institution.

News of the event reached the yummy-mummies of Petersfield, who decided this sounded like a splendid way to raise some cash in this time of financial hardship for Petersfield’s Posh School.

A not-so-motley crew of 10 yummy-mummies took it upon themselves to organise a catwalk in Petersfield Posh School’s Great Hall, on which they strutted their stuff and danced around a steel flagpole and some rigging that was erected for the occasion.

The mummies took on pirate names for the day to ensure their anonymity and jigged away to appropriate maritime shanties such as I’ve Got A Chest ‘f Gold, I’ll Blow The Man Down, There’s A Fire In The Hole, Old One Eye and Greasing The Hawsehole.

Tickets sold for £50, with a further £50 to come on stage and practise your knots with the pirates. The event was a complete sell out with the wannabee-pirates raising over £125,000.

'Spanker' speaking to Newswire on behalf of the yummy-mummies told us: “It was tremendous fun, we were surprised how many people splashed out on the night, so we were determined to put on a bit of a show.

“Yah, It exceeded all our expectations, and we might even do it again next year if asked. Except poor Ho Ho Flo, who had dreadful rope burns on the inside of her thighs, she may decide to give it a miss.”

Blings and Roundabouts

Ella Verr-Pounding waits patiently for her little Anastastia

Petersfield Town Council may resort to installing a roundabout at the entrance to Petersfield's Posh School to alleviate congestion at 11am when the children arrive for breakfast and 3pm when they leave to go home.

The traffic can be so bad that tailbacks have been known to reach the A3 in one direction, and interfere with the Post Office queue in the other, meaning it is the second thing in Petersfield visible from the Moon (see Newswire passim).

The situation is exacerbated by the fact that just about every child is transported to school alone and in a large vehicle.

Parents, for the most part stay-at-home yummy-mummies, see the delivery and collection of their child as an opportunity to show off their, invariably-less-than-six-month-old car. Critics claim that once they are on to the school site they can be very slow to drop off and depart as they make the most of the perceived limelight.
 
Posh School did introduce a policy where parents can only park and swagger around the car in their new Jimmy Choos for a maximum of five minutes, which has helped a little, but not resolved the problem entirely.

The petrol station opposite the school, Gasso, has been forced to take action as times of increased traffic unfortunately coincide with the four hours it is normally open each day. The part-time petrol station subsequently experiences a massive drop in profits during term-time.

Digging has already commenced on the forecourt and a slip road is being installed which should at least help motorists who want to call in for fuel.

School spokeswoman Gemima Lacrosse-Racquet said: "We have tried to adopt alternative methods of arrival and departure. Recently one of the classes starting arriving by helicopter but we are geared up only to accept small Squirrels and not Chinooks, so Mr Heseltine's Westland business studies' class will have to revert to arriving in Bentleys and Mercs - some of the poor dears don't even have their own chauffeur. The situation is heartbreaking."