Town pays for lack of JD Sports outlet

 

 A warm summer's evening in Manchester

Petersfield hoodies have been branded “amateurs” and “apathetic” after absolutely NO rioting occurred in the town.

While the rest of the country burned, teenagers as far afield as Steep Marsh and Langrish could only hang their heads in shame at the lack of destruction on offer in the vicinity.

A milk bottle was knocked over in Durford Road on Monday night and on Tuesday morning a resident of Monks Orchard discovered a scratch on his Bentley – although he later admitted it may have occurred while he was driving past the rose bush on his drive.

“I feel sadly let down,” moaned community youth leader Dudley Doright. “Our young people can usually be relied upon to show their mettle – but they’ve really messed up this time.

“Surely they must be furious at Petersfield Youth Theatre only getting £60,000 in that TV vote…and there was that change to the opening hours of the Taro swimming pool.

“Perhaps they’re so beaten down by poverty and lack of opportunity they can’t even bring themselves to smash a few shop windows. It just shows what a bunch of apathetic amateurs they have become."

Other residents were left wondering whether it was the lack of a JD Sports outlet, or the overwhelming presence of two Police Community Support Officers that have kept a lid on protest in Petersfield.

But one passer-by summed up: “I think most of the town’s teenagers are on a geography field trip, or possibly spending time in their parents’ Tuscan villa.”

Mac appeal

 

Francesca; a needy case with her newly donated Hunters 

An urgent appeal has been made for macs, wellies and even umbrellas after the village of Langrish was struck by a deadly puddle.

“When it rains an enormous puddle forms at the side of the road – it’s terrifying!” said passer-by Mrs Kreata Drama. “One day someone is going to get quite damp if this is allowed to continue.”

A new campaign group, Concerned Residents Against Puddles (CRAP), is calling on the government, council or anybody else they can think of to act by building levees or flood banks to prevent a splashing disaster.

In the meantime a public appeal has been made to help those in need.

Wellington boots (Hunters only), macs (Burberry if possible) and umbrellas (Armani or Brigg) are urgently needed. If you have any of these items to spare, please drop them off at the Langrish House Hotel for distribution to frightened residents.

Please don’t drive through the puddle on your way – or you could just be contributing to the impending doom.

Badger helps unemployment hot-spot

Ruth Badger, left, leads a sing-along while a cut-price Richard Branson lookalike surprises Languish Hall's Humphrey Poison-Tombliboo during filming

A new BBC TV series, Inside Out, was this week filming in one of the country’s unemployment hot-spots: Languish.

Unemployment in the East Hampshire industrial heartland, which is famed for its clay and weird garden dioramas, is often as high as 0.5 per cent – and in an attempt to call a halt to this worrying trend BBC licence payers funded a stay in a posh hotel for somebody who failed to win a reality TV show.

Wolverhampton-born former barmaid Ruth Badger was runner-up in the 2006 series of The Apprentice – which in these days of celebrity hype and David Cameron’s Big Society practically makes her a business magnate – so who better to advise the long-term unemployed about coming to terms with being the first loser.

Badger visited Languish Hall and advised the unemployed of Languish on interview techniques, how to create a CV and how to change their own nappies.

Ribena Poison-Tombliboo, owner of Languish Hall, said: “We were delighted to be able to welcome this working-class woman to our establishment and we hope young Tamsin Poison-Tombliboo, five, learned enough to help her in the future.

“It’s essential she leans about unemployment as she will one day have to engage some working-class people.

“The publicity has been great – we haven’t had this much attention since the ‘blitz’ incident. Though I’m not sure the viewers demographics for this show are ideal for our market. Is it being broadcast on Radio Three?”

Meanwhile Miss Badger was last seen being chased through the streets of East Meon by an outraged farmer carrying a shotgun, after she denied being a carrier of tuberculosis.

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