Petersfield's new MP hurt in fence-sitting incident

Being an MP is a lot harder than Julian Hindsight expected...

Petersfield MP Julian Hindsight was rushed to hospital this week – to have a fence removed from his arse.

The incident followed his call for a referendum on plans for an eco-town at Bordon.

“I’d like everyone to vote on the issue because I’ve been very firmly dithering over this for some time and I really can’t make up my mind,” he mumbled.

In a move that should make him popular with his Liberal coalition bedfellows the Tory added: "Obviously I’d like to see lots more houses built in an eco fashion but I don’t want to offend any constituents that live nearby.

“This decision-making business is a lot harder than I imagined - in fact if we could have a referendum on everything I wouldn’t have to stand up for anything.”

Hindsight’s referendum call follows previous sideline-sitting over issues like the closure of Alton Magistrates’ Court – which hears Petersfield cases - leaving unfortunate criminals facing the long journey to Aldershot to be let off.

The MP was also undecided on whether to oppose the closure of Petersfield’s Grange Birth Centre following a baby boom (!).

“I’m here to protect local services … but we are the natural party of slash and burn, and you did vote for us,” said Mr Hindsight from his position on the fence.

“I have decided that I will campaign for more consultation and for local voices to be heard on all vital subjects – before we go with the original plans anyway.”

The fence removal operation was unable to be carried out at Petersfield Hospital due to Con-Dem cuts, but luckily a private clinic was available…

Early success for 'Big Society'

Mr Dooright keen to fill the

Prime Minister’s shoes

Big savings are set to be made in Petersfield - thanks to David Cameron's wacky 'Big Society' idea.

The first cash saving to be identified is the £65,738 salary of our new MP Damian Hindsight. That's the amount that will be saved following an offer by unemployed Dudley Dooright to do the MP's job for nothing, as a volunteer.

Mr Dooright, who lost his job as a librarian after volunteers moved in to do it for him, said: "I've always wanted to serve the local community and now that I've got more time on my hands this seemed like an ideal opportunity.

"It will give me another chance to wear a suit that I bought for a friend's wedding a few years ago, it's just hanging in a wardrobe at home attracting moths.

'Maybe Mr Hindsight could also enter into the spirit of it and do a spot of brain surgery to ease the load on local doctors - after all, if I'm doing his job, he'll be available.'

And the money-saving idea looks set to grow and grow. Mr Dooright, 59, said: 'Once I've got the hang of being an MP, you know, after a couple of weeks or so, I'll probably volunteer to take on the Prime Minister's job - and that would save £142,500 for the public purse.

'And I've got loads of friends who are all up for this Big Society idea. My girlfriend Filma Muffins will do all Kate Moss's catwalk work, my best mate Shrek McScouse has offered to play up front for Manchester United, and his daughter Chasney says she can oversee the rest of the Chilcott Inquiry once she's finished her homework (besides we all know how it's going to end anyway).

'They'll all do this for nothing, it's fantastic! The more I think about Dave Cameron's Big Society idea the more I like it...besides, he started it.'