Flimsy excuses cause closure of Petersfield birthing unit

The popular Petersfield birthing centre, The Grange Maternity Centre, is to close “temporarily” as midwives are moved to hospitals to cope with a “baby boom”.

In much the same way that an increase in criminal activity and anti-social behaviour necessitated the closure of Petersfield police station, NHS officials were left scurrying around in an attempt to come up with a feasible excuse for the move.

Portsmouth Hospitals NHS Trust has denied any plans to shut the unit but the impending Government comprehensive cutting review seems certain to expedite its shutting down.

A spokesman for the NHS Trust said: “It has come to our notice that the hundreds of people who worked tirelessly a few years ago to mount a campaign to keep the Grange open have been getting bored with nothing to do.

“This is all part of a community project and fits nicely with David Cameron’s Big Society objective. Groups can build up a great community spirit while mounting a concerted campaign opposing the closure and, when they realise their efforts have been futile, we can ask them to take control of the unit themselves.

“The Big Society allows for a couple of people with clean towels, boiling water and a large pair of forceps to run the unit for the benefit of the community. It will be a lasting legacy of the Conservatives’ community initiatives.”

Phil Opiantubes, head of moving midwifery to save money (MMSM), said: “What we need to make sure is that the midwives are where the women are. So by forcing the women to have their babies in Portsmouth we can justify moving all our midwives there.”

The same premise may be applied to other public services in the area. An increase in arson may see the forced closure of Petersfield fire station, while an increase in the number of commuters using Petersfield station may force SouthWest Trains to start its Waterloo service from Liphook.

The expected baby boom, will, almost inevitably lead to a closure of primary schools in five years time when the children are heading off to full-time education and once the economy picks up all shops are expected to close.

It’s not all bad news, however. A Government spokesman confirmed that those who could afford to go private would be unaffected.

Early success for 'Big Society'

Mr Dooright keen to fill the

Prime Minister’s shoes

Big savings are set to be made in Petersfield - thanks to David Cameron's wacky 'Big Society' idea.

The first cash saving to be identified is the £65,738 salary of our new MP Damian Hindsight. That's the amount that will be saved following an offer by unemployed Dudley Dooright to do the MP's job for nothing, as a volunteer.

Mr Dooright, who lost his job as a librarian after volunteers moved in to do it for him, said: "I've always wanted to serve the local community and now that I've got more time on my hands this seemed like an ideal opportunity.

"It will give me another chance to wear a suit that I bought for a friend's wedding a few years ago, it's just hanging in a wardrobe at home attracting moths.

'Maybe Mr Hindsight could also enter into the spirit of it and do a spot of brain surgery to ease the load on local doctors - after all, if I'm doing his job, he'll be available.'

And the money-saving idea looks set to grow and grow. Mr Dooright, 59, said: 'Once I've got the hang of being an MP, you know, after a couple of weeks or so, I'll probably volunteer to take on the Prime Minister's job - and that would save £142,500 for the public purse.

'And I've got loads of friends who are all up for this Big Society idea. My girlfriend Filma Muffins will do all Kate Moss's catwalk work, my best mate Shrek McScouse has offered to play up front for Manchester United, and his daughter Chasney says she can oversee the rest of the Chilcott Inquiry once she's finished her homework (besides we all know how it's going to end anyway).

'They'll all do this for nothing, it's fantastic! The more I think about Dave Cameron's Big Society idea the more I like it...besides, he started it.'