Happy birthday to us

Petersfield Newswire was one year old on Saturday.

Nobody put out bunting in the Square, nor did East Hampshire District Council fund a big-stage event in the town.

On the plus side, Mona the Big Issue seller did offer us a smile of congratulations as she said: “Beeeeeeeeeeeg Eeeeeeeeeeessssssssssshhhhheeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaassssse…”

We don’t know why we bother – but we will continue for not other reason than we enjoy it.

Please do not hesitate to send your suggestions and birthday greetings through to us at stuff@petersfieldnewswire.co.uk

Homeless woman highlights Sheet problem

A homeless woman is to spend the night in a plush house in Sheet to highlight the plight of the middle classes who whacked too much on their credit cards over Christmas.

"As I was selling The Beeeg Eeeshue in Rams Walk over the festive season I noticed how miserable all the shoppers were," explained Petersfield's homeless woman, known to residents as Mona.

"I chatted to a couple and realised what a tough time they were having. Many of them had to fight their way through throngs of other grim-faced and very pushy consumers just to buy two months' worth of food to see them through the long Christmas weekend.

"And others were forced to purchase hordes of expensive tat that their spoilt children didn't even want.

"Most of them were having to put so much on their credit cards they couldn't even spare the usual £1.50 for the Big Issue. I felt so sorry for them I decided to do something about it."

Mona is to spend the night in a five-bedroomed detached house in Sheet in a bid to bring attention to the sorry state of affairs facing many of the village's upper-crust residents.

Home owner Cressida Brazil-Thwaite (pronounced Twat) said: "She'll have to live on leftovers as that's all we can afford in January but she should be OK as the freezer in the utility room is full and my family won't need it as we'll be away on our annual skiing trip ... although we're having to make do with a European resort as we can't afford Aspen this year as my husband's Christmas bonus was around 10 per cent down.

"Mona doesn't realise how lucky she is not having to worry about such things and I hope she'll come to realise that after a night in our spare room."

If you would like to help the Brazil-Thwaites with their hefty credit card bill, Mona will be in her usual place this week and will pass on donations.

A new Big Issue for campaigners

Petersfield's less than popular Big Issue seller could be on the move - if campaigners have their way.

The seller, known to shoppers as Mona, regularly entertains visitors to Rams Walk with a high-pitched Eastern European roma song along the lines of "Beeeg Eeeeshu pleeeease".

But she is being targeted by HATE (Homeowners Against The Europeans) who want a local - preferably white, middle-class - homeless person to take the job.

"Charity begins at home," declared Colonel Jeremy Bufton-Tufton (retd), president of HATE.

"If we must have a homeless person begging on our streets, it should be a homeless person who lives in Petersfield.

"The sight of a raggle-taggle, down-at-heel woman sitting at the edge of the Square does not really present the right image to visitors, and her wailing can be quite frightening.

"If a few lefties actually want to support charities like the Big Issue, then we could surely make it available in WH Smith. But if it really does have to be sold on the street, then we should insist the seller's general appearance and, most importantly, their skin tone match the surroundings in a respectable Hampshire market town."

Selina Pert of PYM (Petersfield Yummy Mummies) added her insubstantial weight to the campaign, saying: "Mona's whinging selling style is simply too much to bear when I'm enjoying a skinny latte outside Caffe Nero - she should go. There are plenty of young students who could sell the Big Issue at weekends to help pay for their ski trips."

Petersfield haberdasher Matt Tress said: "I don't care who sells the bloody thing - the big issue as far as I'm concerned is to keep a steady flow of traffic past my shop..."

Nobody from the British National Party was available for comment.