A suspicious party

One of the young and "fit" Special Constables prepares to infiltrate

Thousands of residents in Petersfield were kept awake last weekend by incessant noise coming from a rave in the idyllic South Downs National Park.

The sound of drums accompanied by an incredibly loud bass beat made leaded windows rattle in their mullion frames in the quaint market town and surrounding villages.

The illegal party was taking place on Fynings Hill, in beautiful surroundings between Rogate and Rake and was attended by nearly 100 partygoers.

Complaints flooded in to the police all Saturday night, but residents were frustrated and forced to lay awake with their eardrums popping as the party continued until after 9am the next morning.

One resident from Rogate, 92-year-old Honor Backagain told us: "They're made of stronger stuff than me, banging away for 9 hours. The longest I could ever manage when I was that age was about 3 hours, then I'd need to get my head down."

Chief Inspector Will Party told Newswire that officers from both Hampshire and West Sussex attended the scene and that the situation was at all times completely under control.

Party said: "We had over 76 of our youngest and fittest officers at the event and we concluded that the best way to deal with the situation was to let things run their course".

We asked Party whether the officers were included in the overall estimate of 100 people at the scene. "Yes" he told us "We took this matter very seriously, which is why we dedicated so many of our boys and girls in blue to the event, all on double time.

"The best we could do was to ensure matters did not get out of hand on the night and to try to ensure that this location is not used for another rave this year.

"Based on inside information, the next three events are all scheduled to take place elsewhere in the Park, so the same people should not be disturbed again."

A new Big Issue for campaigners

Petersfield's less than popular Big Issue seller could be on the move - if campaigners have their way.

The seller, known to shoppers as Mona, regularly entertains visitors to Rams Walk with a high-pitched Eastern European roma song along the lines of "Beeeg Eeeeshu pleeeease".

But she is being targeted by HATE (Homeowners Against The Europeans) who want a local - preferably white, middle-class - homeless person to take the job.

"Charity begins at home," declared Colonel Jeremy Bufton-Tufton (retd), president of HATE.

"If we must have a homeless person begging on our streets, it should be a homeless person who lives in Petersfield.

"The sight of a raggle-taggle, down-at-heel woman sitting at the edge of the Square does not really present the right image to visitors, and her wailing can be quite frightening.

"If a few lefties actually want to support charities like the Big Issue, then we could surely make it available in WH Smith. But if it really does have to be sold on the street, then we should insist the seller's general appearance and, most importantly, their skin tone match the surroundings in a respectable Hampshire market town."

Selina Pert of PYM (Petersfield Yummy Mummies) added her insubstantial weight to the campaign, saying: "Mona's whinging selling style is simply too much to bear when I'm enjoying a skinny latte outside Caffe Nero - she should go. There are plenty of young students who could sell the Big Issue at weekends to help pay for their ski trips."

Petersfield haberdasher Matt Tress said: "I don't care who sells the bloody thing - the big issue as far as I'm concerned is to keep a steady flow of traffic past my shop..."

Nobody from the British National Party was available for comment.