A suspicious party

One of the young and "fit" Special Constables prepares to infiltrate

Thousands of residents in Petersfield were kept awake last weekend by incessant noise coming from a rave in the idyllic South Downs National Park.

The sound of drums accompanied by an incredibly loud bass beat made leaded windows rattle in their mullion frames in the quaint market town and surrounding villages.

The illegal party was taking place on Fynings Hill, in beautiful surroundings between Rogate and Rake and was attended by nearly 100 partygoers.

Complaints flooded in to the police all Saturday night, but residents were frustrated and forced to lay awake with their eardrums popping as the party continued until after 9am the next morning.

One resident from Rogate, 92-year-old Honor Backagain told us: "They're made of stronger stuff than me, banging away for 9 hours. The longest I could ever manage when I was that age was about 3 hours, then I'd need to get my head down."

Chief Inspector Will Party told Newswire that officers from both Hampshire and West Sussex attended the scene and that the situation was at all times completely under control.

Party said: "We had over 76 of our youngest and fittest officers at the event and we concluded that the best way to deal with the situation was to let things run their course".

We asked Party whether the officers were included in the overall estimate of 100 people at the scene. "Yes" he told us "We took this matter very seriously, which is why we dedicated so many of our boys and girls in blue to the event, all on double time.

"The best we could do was to ensure matters did not get out of hand on the night and to try to ensure that this location is not used for another rave this year.

"Based on inside information, the next three events are all scheduled to take place elsewhere in the Park, so the same people should not be disturbed again."

War of the Words

The bugler sounds a call to arms

War is looming after Petersfield's marketing slogan ,"the heart of the South Downs", was stolen by neighbouring Midhurst, word for word.

Marketing designers more used to drawing bezier curves than battle lines have led the two towns into direct military confrontation over the vapid strapline.

Petersfield adopted the slogan as a way of making people think the town is absolutely central to the South Downs National Park , an area which extends 65 miles one way and 17 the other. Days later, Midhurst councillors had the exact same lack of imagination.

This matter will now be resolved in the traditional manner, with a pitched battle on fields near Rogate.

Petersfield start as favourites as their troops will be march into battle while protected by layers of foam bought from that man in the market. The town is also building affordable homes as fast as it can to house additional warriors.

Any prisoners of war taken from Midhurst will be marched into Petersfield and made to stand in line in a humiliating and degrading parade called The Post Office queue.

Meanwhile, the department of straplines at Pennywhistle Place is considering alternative slogans including:

Petersfield: building on our heritage.

Petersfield: only 11 miles from Havant.