War of the Words

The bugler sounds a call to arms

War is looming after Petersfield's marketing slogan ,"the heart of the South Downs", was stolen by neighbouring Midhurst, word for word.

Marketing designers more used to drawing bezier curves than battle lines have led the two towns into direct military confrontation over the vapid strapline.

Petersfield adopted the slogan as a way of making people think the town is absolutely central to the South Downs National Park , an area which extends 65 miles one way and 17 the other. Days later, Midhurst councillors had the exact same lack of imagination.

This matter will now be resolved in the traditional manner, with a pitched battle on fields near Rogate.

Petersfield start as favourites as their troops will be march into battle while protected by layers of foam bought from that man in the market. The town is also building affordable homes as fast as it can to house additional warriors.

Any prisoners of war taken from Midhurst will be marched into Petersfield and made to stand in line in a humiliating and degrading parade called The Post Office queue.

Meanwhile, the department of straplines at Pennywhistle Place is considering alternative slogans including:

Petersfield: building on our heritage.

Petersfield: only 11 miles from Havant.

Stallholder left foaming

 

Plans for a huge ice rink covering the town square during the Christmas festivities have been shelved following fears it would pose too great a danger to the public.

One Petersfield market stall holder thought he had the answer to the problem, however, while at the same time making him a small fortune.

Mr Squarepants, who runs the market stall that stocks foam, but never seems to sell any, proposed that the iconic statue be wrapped in foam for the event, thus protecting the skaters from its hard angled edges.

But haberdasher Matt Tress, complained that the large rink would reduce the number of shoppers that could fit into the centre of town, having an adverse effect on his takings.

Members of the Festivities Committee could not come to an agreement over the issue and the ambitious plan was shelved.

The good news for the Petersfield public is that anybody needing foam will inevitably see Mr Squarepants, surrounded by his never changing stock, at the weekend.