Tory in poll position

Ponsomby-Arse-Clutcher before the change

One of the Tory faithful, set to be pounding Petersfield’s streets ahead of the national election, is to have his name changed by deed poll.

Alfred Timothy Tarquin Ponsomby-Arse-Clutcher told us: “These are important and desperate times and I will do anything I can to help Damian Heinz and the Conservative Party”.

Ponsomby-Arse-Clutcher explained: “Over the years a few of my party colleagues have passed the occasional comment about my name, a joke here, a sly dig there and I have always taken it on the chin. My name was given to me by my family and I am tremendously proud of my heritage.

“That said, this year I will be visiting the homes of hundreds of voters and it has been suggested that whilst I look the part, my name could be an embarrassment and a vote loser.”

Ponsomby-Arse-Clutcher did look rather doleful as he told us his story; any decision to change his name has clearly not been easy.

The Tory went on: “Any way the paperwork has been completed and the deed has literally been done. From Thursday I will no longer be Alfred Timothy Tarquin Ponsomby-Arse-Clutcher, I will henceforth simply be known as Timothy Tarquin Ponsomby-Arse-Clutcher. No more ruddy Fred.

“Hurrah and hussar.”