Town insists ‘Park still loves me’

A traditional Mongolian erection on such a proud day

Councillors are insisting that the new South Downs National Park still loves Petersfield – and the passing infatuation with HQ rival Midhurst is nothing more than ‘a crush’.

“We’re not bitter about the national park selecting that West Sussex slut Midhurst for its HQ,” said Cllr Buster Hill of Petersfield Town Council’s committee for old ramblers.

“We know that deep down we’re the town that the park likes and it will one day return the HQ to where it belongs – to a proper town with a square, a statue and everything.

“Midhurst was merely an ‘easy’ option at the time and the park is young and doesn’t know its own mind yet. One day it will see sense and we’ll be waiting.

“That’s why we’re throwing a party for the park today with schoolchildren, a Mongolian yurt – whatever that is – and some zorbers. If that doesn’t prove how serious we are, nothing will!”

Rumours that Mr Hill was all set to ‘punch Midhurst mayor John Smug’s ****ing lights out’ if he dared to show his face in Petersfield were dismissed as nonsense, although Mrs Hill was heard to murmur “Don’t do it Buster, he’s not worth it…”

PTC sanction huge erection

South Downs National Park erection is touched up

Petersfield’s Broadway Park Caravan Site follows the example set by Basildon in Essex by commissioning its own Hollywood-style sign.

Denise R Nockin speaking on behalf of Petersfield Town Council (PTC) said: “Earlier in the week it was announced that we were hoping to bring some megastars to Broadway and we want to do everything in our power to ensure that this project is a success.

“Everyone saw how Basildon hit the headlines recently by erecting a Hollywood style sign and we thought this would be a fantastic way to advertise events and attract customers.”

Caravan park owner Ivor Towbar added: “Drivers heading north on the A3 will see the huge sign on their right as the cross the South Downs; this will conjure up images of Broadway stars. The likes of Julia Roberts, Dustin Hoffman, Leonardo DiCaprio and perhaps some of those we have been able to attract to our own Broadway, including possibly Dominic Brunt from Emmerdale.

“The Basildon project was quoted as costing £400,000 but as I’m sure you will appreciate, our Broadway sign is far more imposing, so I am reluctant to say how much it has cost at this stage; but you can’t put a price on good PR.”