For Flecks Sake! An angel speaks…

An angry angel yesterday 

Angels across the world – and heaven - have hit back at suggestions that they look like specks of dust.

“We’ve got bloody great wings and everything!” ranted Gabriel Godsmate, communications officer for the World Angels Network Corporation (WANC). “When we deign to come down for a worldly visitation, you’ll know all about it – all right?”

Gabriel was forced to speak out after an ungodly furore broke out as Petersfield photographer Len Scapstillon tried to cover up just how crap his pictures were by claiming “Maybe, er, angels got in the way…”

Mr Scapstillon had taken a series of out of focus photographs at an awards ceremony for young footballers and was horrified to discover that, not only were the award winners miles in the distance, but the huge space around them was full of dust flecks reflecting light.

 Two specks of dust yesterday

He confessed: “As my wife is an ‘angel therapist’, we came up with a plan to not only cover up my shortcoming as a photographer but to get a free plug for her business – which, strangely, doesn’t seem to be taking off as we’d hoped.

“I thought it sounded a bit flaky but unbelievably the Petersfield Proust printed the lot across nearly a whole page – and even plugged my flimsy excuses on the front page!

“I couldn’t believe it but maybe it’s the angels at work.”

Godsmate was heard to flap his wings and mutter “For flecks sake…”

Pompey melt down

With Petersfield being a renowned stronghold for Pompey fans, Avram Grant has pledged that the FA Cup will be paraded around the streets of the town, should his team overcome Chelsea in the final.

Grant told us: “The administrators of the club are adamant that absolutely all costs are kept to a minimum, but thankfully, the club has been promised free use of an open-top bus so the parade would definitely go ahead.

“One potential problem is that a slow-moving bus, stopping occasionally for photographs, can attract parking fines, at least we know this can’t happen in Petersfield.”

With no traffic warden and with cars and vans parked very badly all around the centre of Petersfield, any bus trying to make its way around town will inevitably struggle to get above walking pace and frequently grind to a halt.

We also spoke to Portsmouth administrator Andrew Andronikou who told us in confidence: “After Petersfield we may head to Leigh Park, where the trophy could so very easily be stolen from the bus.” Andronikou winks….

“Can you imagine how much all that silver would be worth if the cup was melted down?”

'The Killing Fields' claims first victim

Spectators at the Penns Place pitches cheer

on sons, daughters and siblings

Petersfield police have called off the search for a missing nine-year-old boy at the Taro fields after he admitted ‘I went for a flight in my dad’s helium balloon’.

Residents have been concerned for some time that the length of the grass on the football pitches at Penns Place - known locally now as The Killing Fields - could cause a serious injury to a small child or dog and on Sunday, nine-year-old Gavin Thomas went missing while playing in a match for Petersfield Town Juniors.

His manager Paul’ Chopper’ Harris said: “It was quite distressing. Young Gavin went chasing a ball down the wing to where the grass is longest and suddenly completely disappeared from sight.

“The grass on the pitches has been far too long for some time now and we’re used to losing balls and water bottles but this is the first time we’ve misplaced a midfielder. The game was abandoned after parents expressed fears there may be a dangerous wild animal lurking near the corner flag or in the six-yard-box. You’d never spot it these days.”

The local police were called in and, after travelling from their base at Matlock, in Derbyshire, started a thorough search of the area.

Police constable Les Beavinya said: “It wasn’t easy. You really need a 4x4 to traverse the sports pitches outside the Taro Centre these days and it’s hardly surprising the young lad disappeared.

“Indeed during the search we misplaced two Alsatians and a female special constable, Miss Eve Ningall. Once the sun started to set we decided it was too dangerous to continue as the goalmouths on the main pitch are like mangrove swamps and anything could be lurking within.”

The search resumed the next day and police were not hopeful. But they called off their search after the boy’s parents called to say he had been discovered 40 miles away after catching a lift on his father’s home-made helium balloon.

Young Gavin admitted: “I chased the ball down to the corner flag but suddenly it got really dark and the grass towered over me. I found a couple of stray dodos and by the time we’d come out I was miles from the pitch so I just went home with the dodos and crawled into Dad’s balloon that he was about to set off.

“When I realised the problems I’d caused I was too scared to come out and own up.”

PC Beavinya added: “We are looking into the possibility of cutting the grass ourselves in the hope we might find our missing sniffer dogs – not to mention Eve Ningall.

“Apparently the pitches have been allowed to grow to that length because the groundsman responsible has developed an unusual all-year case of hay-fever which does not allow him to come into contact with grass.

“It’s a rather unfortunate thing to happen given his choice of career, but we can’t afford to wait for a cure to be found. We may lose goalposts next…”

■ Anybody able to offer the police the use of a large pair of shears should call PC Les Beavinya on Petersfield 111111