Boom, boom, boom, let me hear you say wayo!

Frontrunner: He Arket Inn

As the coalition cuts start to bite, Petersfield’s hard-pressed businessmen have been given a boost by a new set of annual awards.


Petersfield In Boom will award a trophy and a free set of corrugated tin to the best-maintained empty shop or pub premises in the town – and the move has already been backed by Tory MP Damian Hindsight.


“It’s important to recognise that, even as we’re wrecking the economy, there’s no need to be scruffy about it,” said Mr Hindsight. “Obviously a few businesses have gone to the wall even in prosperous Petersfield but I’m sure the town can maintain its dignity by keeping its High Street up to scratch.”


A frontrunner for the Petersfield In Boom award has to be the Market Inn (actually now known as the ‘arket’ since the ‘M’ fell off months ago), which has been boarded up for years with tasteful – and matching – metal sheets in every window.

Also in the running is the former Petersfield Electricals shop in Lavant Street, which has opted for the ‘abandoned’ rather than ‘closed down’ look, and Petersfield police station which has pretended to be an official building even though it has been filled with tumbleweed for years.


The former White Hart pub is not thought to be in the running because technically it is still a business – a car park clamping and fleecing operation – and the 99p Shop may be allowed to enter on the basis that’s it’s not a proper Petersfield-style business anyway and probably would be closed down if most of the population had their way.


Late bids for the title are expected to come from the library, the Citizens’ Advice Bureau, the Taro Leisure Centre, the Grange Birth Centre, Petersfield Hospital, Petersfield fire station, and all state schools – just as soon as the Con-Dem government gets round to closing them down. 


“It’s a great idea,” insisted a delighted Mr Hindsight. “If it proves as popular as I hope it will, we may extend it and have a section for the best dressed unemployed person…”

Petersfield's 'Beardies' get tough

Reg Tweed, left, last week - now Lord Snootington, right

East Hampshire Liberal Democrats have formed a new Huntin’, Shootin’ and Fishin’ Club – and are considering making the wearing of top hats compulsory for all members.

The move comes as local Liberals try to fit in with their new partners in the national Con-Dem coalition.

“We may have only been in power for a few days but we’ve got a real taste for it,” said chairman Reg Tweed, who is currently changing his name by deed poll to Lord Snootington of Steep.

“We’ve spent years as weirdy beardies sitting on the sidelines and coming up with daft ideas we knew we’d never have to put into practice.

“Now we’re all starting to realise we were wrong all along. It’s great fun taking an axe to public services – who cares about nurses and teachers when you’ve got a bit of real power? What ho!

“Besides, what’s more fun – sitting on a consultative sub-committee about footpath diversions, or getting out into the countryside and killing some wildlife?

“Those bloody pinko foxes need teaching a lesson or two, and there’s definitely going to be a population explosion among unemployed oiks in the coming months so we should be able to bag a few of those too.

“We’re willing to do all this in the spirit of co-operation with our new coalition partners, who don’t seem that bad really as long as you shine their shoes and tug your forelock as they go past.

“Anyway, we’ve got to make the most of it before the next election as everyone who voted for us to keep the Tories out now realises what a bunch of ****s we really are…”

Petersfield to go it alone

With the British government becoming a rudderless ship following the general election Petersfield residents are taking matters into their own hands.

Local politicos are attempting to take advantage of the chaos in Westminster and establish the Hampshire town as a self-governing state.

Cam Payne, the official busybody from Petersfield Residents Against ThingS (PRATS), said: “No one in government seems to know what to do at the moment and it’s not good enough.

"One thing we’re not short of in Petersfield is people who know how things should be done so it makes perfect sense that if Westminster can’t govern us we should do it ourselves.

“I don’t think anyone in Petersfield has voted anything other than Tory for the last 700 years, I know I haven’t. It would be ridiculous for us to live under a sherbet Lib-Lab coalition so we’re setting up our own system.

“Our new Con-Con coalition will ensure Petersfield gets the preferential treatment it deserves and we PRATS are ideally placed to facilitate it. This is just the sort of thing we like to be outraged by. ”

A government spokesman, representing no particular party, government, region or country, said: “Well Con-Con just about sums it up and there’s not a single pro among them.”

*To become a PRAT or to find out more information about Petersfield Residents Against ThingS (PRATS) contact info@pratsonline.co.uk

Taxpayers to benefit from Newswire re-launch

Brown and Darling lobbying

Following a Government bale-out Petersfield Newswire is back on track.

This means you, the taxpayer, now own a large share of our debts and will be with us in the dock should Duncan Biscuits carry out his threat to sue.

Congratulations on your purchase which is guaranteed for one year.

To enjoy the benefits of an extended warranty please give us lots more money and we will spend it on inflated bonuses for the five regular contributors so we have enough money to buy the Royal Bank of Scotland and relocate it to Sheep Street.

A spokesman for Petersfield Newswire said: “We would like to thank the Government and in particular Messrs Brown and Darling for their unflinching support in the face of threatened legal action from Mr Biscuits.

“It is essential, if we are to retain the best satirical talent in Petersfield, that we are able to offer the sort of salary commensurate with a Russian oligarch.

“Rest assured that with this level of financial support and a regular following which stretches into … oooh double figures, Petersfield Newswire will continue to churn out light-hearted parochial chuff for the foreseeable future.”