Whipping up support

The three parties trying to attract support

As polling day approaches, representatives of the three main parties are set to impress their values upon the people of Petersfield.

With esteemed and much-loved Michael Mates retiring from office, the East Hampshire voting battle is thought to be a tightly contested three horse race and each of the main parties is doing everything they can to sway the vote.

Elsie Withering-Slowly (Conservative) will be speaking from 18:30 at the library, where she will be covering some of the big issues including pensions and public transport.

Gladys Mildew (Labour) is to base herself at the hospital, just in case, and couldn’t remember what it was she was to be talking about when we interviewed her. So that should be a surprise for anyone attending, but she did confirm there would be biscuits available. She will be talking from 19:00.

Dizzy Plinarian (Liberal Democrat) has decided to hold her talks, or “shows” as she has described them at the rugby club.

Plinarian will be appearing at 21:00, 22:00 and 23:00 tonight, Tuesday and Wednesday and anyone wishing to attend who has not already purchased a ticket is out of luck, the performances were sold out days ago.

Plinarian told us “I will be giving demonstrations of the role of punishment in society, with the promise of follow up sessions if victory is forthcoming."

Old bag to become MP

A Tesco carrier bag looks set to become Petersfield’s Member of Parliament at the upcoming general election.

East Hants Tories have opted for the shopping utensil as their prospective parliamentary candidate following current long-time MP Michael Mates’ decision to retire.

"It seemed the obvious choice,’ said Tory spokeswoman Archie Pelago. "Let’s face it, we’re going to win by a landslide and Petersfield has elected a Conservative since shortly before the Roman invasion.

"What’s the point of wasting a decent candidate on a seat like this? Besides a Tesco bag represents all that we stand for – naked commercial greed, elimination of all competition, and cheap vodka for the masses to keep them cowed."

The Tesco carrier was up against a Waitrose ‘bag for life’ at the selection meeting but members decided that being a member of the John Lewis group made it ‘practically a communist’.

However, Tory leader David Cameron has insisted that the Tesco bag should be of a recyclable variety to fit with his green image.

The Liberal Democrats will let shoppers decide on their candidate by getting them to vote with green tokens in the three-way charity box in the Waitrose entranceway.

A Labour spokesman said "Oh what’s the point!?" and no-one from the British National Party was available for comment.