Your Sheet, and you know you are

 A Sheet resident gets twitchy

A ‘net curtain’ dividing line has been proposed – if the village of Sheet gets the go-ahead to split from its big brother neighbour Petersfield.

Leader of the SS (Separate Sheet), Baron Ludwig von Queenshead, said: “It’s quite simple – it will be like the old iron curtain across Europe…just more in keeping with the area.

“After all, there is no point in our quaint little village managing to extricate itself from the shadow of the urban sprawl of Petersfield if we don’t mark the dividing line in some way.”

The big debate will now take place as to where the ‘net curtain’ should fall.

“Obviously we don’t want the concrete jungle of the Herne Farm estate in Sheet – that goes without saying,” stressed von Queenshead.

“I don’t much care for Pulens Lane either – or any of the houses on the old A3, they’re quite obviously urban in nature.

“There are also rather too many terraced houses that don’t really lend themselves to the image we’d like to create for Sheet, so I think essentially we’re talking about the village green, the old oak tree, St Mary’s Church and, er, the Queens Head. We might also adopt a corridor along to the Harrow, even though technically it’s kind of on the Steep border, because it’s such a landmark.

“Admittedly, it’s going to have to be a fairly long ‘net curtain’ but I, for one, think it will be worth it to keep the Petersfield riff-raff at bay.”

A passing spokesman for the Herne Farm Residents’ Association said: “What?!? We’re not in Sheet any more?? In that case we must be in Harting – we’re a farm for heaven’s sake! We have to be in a village of some description.

“Right, I’m not giving this up without a fight. I’m off to form a new group called Farmers For Sheet. You wait until I get going – FFS will be the letters on everyone’s lips...”

Hardly middle of the road

 A road just north of Leigh Park

Petersfield's Pulens Lane, despite being resurfaced, is still without road markings.

The road is used pretty much as a dual-carriageway by traffic travelling between Chichester and the A3 north of Petersfield.

At times the traffic on Pulens Lane can be quite heavy with motorcycles and white vans overtaking in both directions.

Without road markings the drivers could arguably be excused for thinking the road is indeed a dual-carriageway, whereas the speed limit is actually only 30mph.

Doug Gonnit, speaking on behalf of Hampshire County Council, defended the position. He said: "We will be painting lines on the road, but at present we have nobody qualified to carry out the task.

"Earlier this year we were forced to lay off Lionel de Rhodes; he was our expert and had applied the white paint for the last 25 years.

"We thought this would be a low-impact cut, saving money for the department, but we have since discovered that his was a very skilled and important role.

"One of de Rhodes' main tasks used to be ensuring the double yellow lines around town were kept well painted, but since these are no longer used we thought we could do without him."

Newswire has acquired a photo of the training area where de Rhodes’ successor is being put through his paces (see above) and it looks like it could be sometime before he is allowed out and about in Petersfield.

Sheet villagers enraptured

 

It’s a sign

East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) has been left in financial dire straits after the world failed to end on May 21.

In an effort to appease the village-folk of Sheet, EHDC agreed to impose a range of expensive traffic measures in the village, and they did this on the understanding that they would never actually have to foot the bill.

Changes were put in place which, it is claimed, will stop the northern part of Sheet village being used by motorists who are "just passing through".

Vehicles travelling south along London Road from Rake towards Petersfield cannot now turn right down Village Lane and additional road blocks have been set up in Farnham Road, Inmans Lane and Town Lane. A guard tower has also been erected beside the old chestnut tree to enforce the changes.

Most of the expense has been incurred, however, across London Road in southern Sheet where Pulens Lane has been reinforced and resurfaced.

The once quiet lane that runs north beside historic Sheet Mill will be applying for Motorway status. This will in turn pave the way for a service station to be opened up on the Heath, an idea put forward by The Big School who, since school improvements, now have an on-site oil refinery.

Petersfield Town Council's spokesperson for roads, Emma Huan, told Newswire: "We obviously thought it would never actually happen, what with the world ending and everything.

"Now ‘Rapturing’, as I understand it is known, has failed to take place, we are left with a ruddy great roadworks bill. On the up-side we can push through with the service station idea to try to recoup some dosh."