What have the Romans ever done for us?

Petersfield is set to become the centre of world attention, after the statue of King William the Third was discovered to have something up his sleeve.

 The statue before time had its way

 

For some time now the statue of William the Third, or Bill the Turd as he is known affectionately by locals, has been decaying. The situation reached tipping point on December 21 2011, when Bill’s right arm, the hand of which was holding an unidentified scroll, dropped off.

Wynne Tersolstice, working for R Maggedon Erections who were employed by Petersfield Town Council (PTC) to assess the damage to the statue, has announced that there is a prophecy inscribed in the arm and scroll.

“This is earth-shattering news”, he said. “The discovery of the millennium. You may be aware that life on earth is expected to end at midnight on December 21 2012; this is a widely accepted view, a date that all children are taught at school. Well, it would appear that date is wrong. The actual date is in fact January 21, 2013”

Tersolstice shows us some inscriptions on the inside of the arm and ultimately a series of roman numerals that are inscribed on the inside of the scroll, they read – XXI  I  MMXIII.

One more Christmas after all

“The sculptor’s name also points to the fact that the original Mayan projection was wrong, perhaps working under a nom de plume, as the piece is signed Huan Moore-Month.

“The original calculations were made using the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar, notably used by the pre-Columbian Mayan civilization and is based upon a cycle of thirteen b’ak’tuns (periods of 144,000 days each) since the mythical creation date of the calendar's current era.

“It would appear that since we went decimal back in the 1970s, that’s thrown things a bit and we stand to gain an extra month.”

Speaking on behalf of PTC, Mark Kett-Pitches commented: “You wait ‘til I speak to Al Paca, that Peruvian stallholder who used to sell jumpers, shawls, hats and scarves.

“He refused to renew his licence as we wouldn’t reduce his fee to reflect the fact that 2012 will be a short year. Who’s laughing now Paca?”

Sheet villagers enraptured

 

It’s a sign

East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) has been left in financial dire straits after the world failed to end on May 21.

In an effort to appease the village-folk of Sheet, EHDC agreed to impose a range of expensive traffic measures in the village, and they did this on the understanding that they would never actually have to foot the bill.

Changes were put in place which, it is claimed, will stop the northern part of Sheet village being used by motorists who are "just passing through".

Vehicles travelling south along London Road from Rake towards Petersfield cannot now turn right down Village Lane and additional road blocks have been set up in Farnham Road, Inmans Lane and Town Lane. A guard tower has also been erected beside the old chestnut tree to enforce the changes.

Most of the expense has been incurred, however, across London Road in southern Sheet where Pulens Lane has been reinforced and resurfaced.

The once quiet lane that runs north beside historic Sheet Mill will be applying for Motorway status. This will in turn pave the way for a service station to be opened up on the Heath, an idea put forward by The Big School who, since school improvements, now have an on-site oil refinery.

Petersfield Town Council's spokesperson for roads, Emma Huan, told Newswire: "We obviously thought it would never actually happen, what with the world ending and everything.

"Now ‘Rapturing’, as I understand it is known, has failed to take place, we are left with a ruddy great roadworks bill. On the up-side we can push through with the service station idea to try to recoup some dosh."