What have the Romans ever done for us?

Petersfield is set to become the centre of world attention, after the statue of King William the Third was discovered to have something up his sleeve.

 The statue before time had its way

 

For some time now the statue of William the Third, or Bill the Turd as he is known affectionately by locals, has been decaying. The situation reached tipping point on December 21 2011, when Bill’s right arm, the hand of which was holding an unidentified scroll, dropped off.

Wynne Tersolstice, working for R Maggedon Erections who were employed by Petersfield Town Council (PTC) to assess the damage to the statue, has announced that there is a prophecy inscribed in the arm and scroll.

“This is earth-shattering news”, he said. “The discovery of the millennium. You may be aware that life on earth is expected to end at midnight on December 21 2012; this is a widely accepted view, a date that all children are taught at school. Well, it would appear that date is wrong. The actual date is in fact January 21, 2013”

Tersolstice shows us some inscriptions on the inside of the arm and ultimately a series of roman numerals that are inscribed on the inside of the scroll, they read – XXI  I  MMXIII.

One more Christmas after all

“The sculptor’s name also points to the fact that the original Mayan projection was wrong, perhaps working under a nom de plume, as the piece is signed Huan Moore-Month.

“The original calculations were made using the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar, notably used by the pre-Columbian Mayan civilization and is based upon a cycle of thirteen b’ak’tuns (periods of 144,000 days each) since the mythical creation date of the calendar's current era.

“It would appear that since we went decimal back in the 1970s, that’s thrown things a bit and we stand to gain an extra month.”

Speaking on behalf of PTC, Mark Kett-Pitches commented: “You wait ‘til I speak to Al Paca, that Peruvian stallholder who used to sell jumpers, shawls, hats and scarves.

“He refused to renew his licence as we wouldn’t reduce his fee to reflect the fact that 2012 will be a short year. Who’s laughing now Paca?”

Leigh Park province

Brigadier Chester Medals comes

under not-so-friendly fire

The British Army, eager to find realistic and appropriate training facilities, relevant to today's theatre of war, is set to convert northern Leigh Park to a training camp.

The training needs of the modern soldier have evolved and their primary skills need to revolve around security and the policing of local communities.

An average British soldier can expect deployment overseas, not necessarily dug into a trench, but more likely patrolling the dangerous streets of Helmand or Baghdad.

Troops are frequently inserted into regions where any sense of community has broken down; dropped into war-torn societies, where crime and violence are accepted as the norm.

It is difficult to replicate the unique problems and dangers at large in such volatile surroundings and Leigh Park has been suggested to offer the best possible fit for troops to hone their skills before being despatched overseas.

The Army has tried similar ventures before with training camps at Imber on Salisbury Plain, and more recently at the Stanford Training Area near Thetford but so far it has not been possible to accurately replicate the real dangers that will be encountered in the field.

Brigadier Chester Medals was enthusiastic about the development, saying: "This appears to be the perfect solution for our troops and one that will, I am sure, provide challenging training opportunities.

"We are looking forward to getting our men in there and seeing how they react with the existing community. Get them alongside the locals and started in a valuable policing role."

As part of the transformation, Hampshire Constabulary has agreed to vacate the area south of the South Downs National Park boundary, relinquishing all policing responsibility to the Army.

We asked Chief Inspector Nick Mekwohta what he thought of the development.

"To be honest I can't believe my luck.

"The pongos will clearly have more chance than we ever did, because they will be heavily armed and wearing state-of-the-art protective clothing. But all this aside, when it comes to Leigh Park, they are welcome to it.

"I'll tell you another thing, if they are successful and don’t take too many casualties, wherever they are posted next, be it the Gaza Strip or Baghdad, it will seem like a walk in the park."