Popular former newspaper the Petersfield Proust has been forced to take unprecedented action and give a free hardback book to each buyer in an attempt to attract readers during a time when there is a dearth of East Hampshire news.
Many townsfolk have refrained from buying their local paper lately, in the knowledge that nothing of interest has happened in the area since the snowfalls of January.
The Hindhead tunnel is coming along nicely; the weather is quite mild for the time of year; and the South Downs National Park headquarters will be based in Midhurst not Petersfield.
There’s nothing for an ace reporter to exaggerate, or for the local populous to protest about there. Even regular correspondents to the letters’ page, who have previously never been slow to spout ill-informed complaint, have stopped writing.
The free Disney book will excite young boys across the town, being on the popular subject of dinosaurs. It is thought this subject was chosen following the interesting discovery earlier in the year at Hindhead, back when there used to be news.
The bad news for parents is that after this exciting freebie, future weekly editions will be available to buy from The Snooze for an overall cost of £68.77. Future titles include Dance Drama and Music, Children of the World and Communications. All highly interesting stuff and ideal bedtime reading for a generation raised on Tomb Raider, Harry Potter, Call of Duty and Jordan’s breasts.
So even if there is no news, there is no excuse not to buy this week’s edition of the Petersfield Proust … unless of course you don’t have any young children or you don’t want to get suckered in to buying the next 23 editions of the encyclopedia.
Disclaimer: Other newspapers are available, but they’re not half as much fun nor do they have names which lend themselves well to continuing the philosophic-author pun genre, such as the Petersfield Harold. Philosophy puns is apparently something of a Nietzsche market…