Ho ho ho.

Official stocking filler

Petersfield Town Council (PTC) received some awful news last night when the “Santa” booked to entertain the crowds in town on Christmas Eve, had to cancel.

Santa Baby contacted the Council to tell them that she was not going to be able to come to Petersfield this year, as she had read that Heath Pond, which she (or one of her colleagues) has in recent years used as a landing strip, far from freezing over, has in fact disappeared.

Appearing rather scantily clad for a traditional Santa, she cited global warming as being to blame for most things, that or French plastic surgeons.

Santa Baby, despite her looks, is not easily swayed either; she sounded grateful for the excuse saying that this would give her the window of opportunity she needed to pop back to France to complain about some “enhancements” that she was worried about. She said she was going to struggle to pay for possible restoration work; murmuring something about rising French inflation rates.

Speaking on behalf of PTC, Dirk T Oldman said: “This is nothing short of a disaster; I’ve been looking forward to this all year. The replacement Santa we’ve been offered is a big chap with yellow teeth and his own beard, I shall cancel the booking immediately”.

That was the year that was

In traditional 'we-can't-be-arsed-to-find-any-real-news' tabloid-style journalism, here our 14-year-old work-experience public schoolboy compiles a reminder of the things brought to you by Petersfield Newswire during 2010.

Let's call it 20/10 vision ... for want of a better phrase.

Happy new year to all our reader(s).

In January we told you how the entire world was cut off from Petersfield because of a bit of snow.

February saw some new categories announced in the 2010 Petersfield in Bloom competition.

In March, a plethora of planning applications threatened to turn Petersfield into the Manhattan of the south ... and more importantly endangered the ladder against the tree in the Causeway.

As election fever started to hit Petersfield in April, one local candidate claimed Chapel Street was becoming like "a northern Chav estate..."

Petersfield was revealed as a crime 'hot-spot' in May, while in June the Petersfield Proust upset readers with its expose of a drugs factory at Bojangles School.

The requisite qualifications for a town traffic warden were announced in July, while plans for a Petersfield motorisation day were announced in August.

September saw the first alternative best in Petersfield awards, while in October, the much-criticised Post Office inaugurated an innovative, multi-tiered queuing system.

In one of 12 slow-news months, November saw the long-awaited announcement from Prince William and Kate Middleton that they would be unable to marry in Petersfield.

And finally, Santa fell foul of The White Hart's new parking restrictions in December as the ghost of profiteering present made an unwelcome appearance.

Santa’s best-sleighed plans in disarray

 

Present delivery proves a drag for Santa this year

Many of Petersfield’s children failed to receive gifts yesterday as Santa was prevented from making his delivery by an over-zealous parking attendant.

A distraught Santa explained: “I only touched down very briefly outside what used to be the White Hart pub; I have to make my deliveries at very high speeds you understand.

“I can’t have been there for any longer than about a hundredth of a second and, would you believe it, I was clamped.

“I travel so fast I am normally imperceptible to the human eye, but these people are pretty quick off the mark. This has never happened before. Who could be so heartless as to clamp Father Christmas?

“I feel so sorry for the children; it really is terribly bad luck. My reindeer and I completed our round using my spare sleigh, but I certainly wasn’t going to spend another moment in Petersfield.”

The parking enforcement officer insisted he was simply following orders and felt no remorse for his actions.

“Remorse?” he said. “Wha zat mean? He parked din he? He stopped, an e shun’t ‘ave. ‘E told me ‘e was goin’ straight off, but vey all say dat. ‘E parked up and now ‘as to pay ve fine.

“An’ ‘is bleedin’ sheep crapped on ve car park.”

Christmas calamity

 The signs are not good

Children across Britain are set to be disappointed this Christmas as a disgruntled Santa admits he will not be able to deliver all presents.

In the grips of a record-breaking cold spell, there are no flights, and no flights means no sleigh.

Newswire asked Santa, does this really include him?

"Of course it does,” he said. "Who do you think I am Paul ruddy Daniels?

"The reindeer need a bit of a run up to get airborne and whilst that's okay in Lapland, I'm afraid in Britain you have the wrong type of snow. Ask Railtrack.

“I cannot afford to land here and then not get up again; the rest of the world will miss out on this once-a-year gift fest.”

We pointed out to Santa that he had an unblemished record, never having missed a Christmas delivery before. Didn't he have any feelings for the young children who would have to go without their Nintendos and Wiis this Yuletide?

"Bollocks!" he  exclaimed. "The kids are spoilt these days any way.

"Nobody leaves me out any port and mince pies any more so stuff the lot of them."

Santa's PO grotto

In something of a coup, Petersfield Post Office has managed to secure the services of out-of-work funny man John Henshaw on Christmas Eve.

The Post Office awarded free use of the comedian’s services to the branch which could boast the worst record across the land, and Petersfield won by a mile; quite literally. On the day the judges measured the queue it was very nearly a mile long.

So to celebrate the festive season, the Post Office has been turned into one big grotto with Henshaw kitted out in a Santa outfit and white beard, talking to those lucky enough to have made it into the building.

Cindy Sack speaking on behalf of the Post Office, said: “This should bring some welcome cheer to our customers at this festive time.

“Once anyone in the queue has reached the building, they know that they will at least be entertained for the final two hours or so of their ordeal.

“Also, on a positive note, I can confirm that none of those queuing during the last week or so has had to contend with slippery conditions. The queue has been there day and night, so the snow has not actually had a chance to lay on the ground beneath their feet.”