Petersfield time capsule hangs in balance

David Weeks' shiny suit could be buried under Petersfield square

Plans to bury a time capsule under Petersfield’s town square hang in the balance after officials could not decide what to include.

Initially, council officials wanted local residents to suggest ideas but a straw poll in the square this week revealed the majority of people had nothing contemporaneous to offer up as most had merely been waiting in the Post Office queue since 2005.

One councillor has faced calls to resign – pronounced “Resign!” – after he suggested burying Bordon, while others believe that rather than bury items, in such a precarious economic climate the town’s chattels should be sold off at a car-boot sale.

A popular choice for burial would appear to be David Weeks’ shiny suit – although Weeks himself is apparently reluctant to part with it.

Another suggestion, which would illustrate the plight of the homeless in the early 21^st century, would be to include Mona, the Big Issue seller.

Cllr Ivan Idea added: “We need to include things that represent Petersfield in 2011, so I suggest we cram the box with toy cars so there’s no room for much else. We could squeeze in some pizza delivery leaflets, one of those plastic collection bags distributed by the myriad charity shops in the town and a loan application form showing the extent to which some people would go to buy a round of coffees in Costa.

“Waitrose has kindly offered to supply us with some sun-drenched tomatoes to illustrate the town’s eating habits, while we will also include a vial of water from the lake just in case somebody in 2111 has come up with a cure for those bloody algae.”

Not everybody is in favour of burying a capsule, however. Cllr Kerr Mudgeon insists the town square already has a sealed time capsule.

He said: “The Market Inn pub has been sealed up for as long as I can remember and there seems no likelihood of it being reopened. I would therefore suggest we leave that as the town’s time capsule and just decorate the outside, perhaps with some paint or something.

“I’m sure, if it was opened up in 100 years time – or later if the economy hasn’t picked up by then – the contents would be very interesting: some empty beer cans, the odd used prophylactic, empty syringes, BNP newsletters and some copies of the Daily Mail all left by the last customers to leave.

“It would be fascinating. And almost certainly the news agenda and stories in the Daily Mail would be very similar, if not identical, to today.”

Special delivery

 The hole in Petersfield Town Square

Precautions taken by Petersfield Town Council, shoring up the statue of William III in the town square have proven extremely prudent, as cracks in the paving widened, giving way to a gaping hole very nearby.

The hole appeared over night and only this morning was the reason for the rift evident to locals, as a Chilean flag appeared from the depths, to be planted at the hole-side.

‘Rescued’ miners then started appearing via a pod at the rate of about one per hour. But they took one look at the queue for the Post office and jumped back down in the hole…

Queue Goes Sky High

 

Things are looking up at Petersfield Post Office 

Petersfield Post Office has come up with a unique solution to its queuing problem.

The massive line of people waiting to check their parcels against the impenetrable new rules for posting – or simply wanting to buy car insurance or change pounds into Turkish lire – has become world famous after snaking halfway round the town for months.

However, queues across the Square are now a thing of the past thanks to a new multi-storey queuing platform that has been erected on the front of the Post Office building.

Queue-ers can now go up instead of across – to the delight of market traders and anyone trying to park illegally for a few minutes while nipping into a charity shop or estate agent.

“Never let it be said that we’re intransigent old bastards who don’t care about our customers,” said Post Office manager Dee Livery.

Architects have also said they will wait to see how well the new multi-tiered system works, but if all goes according to plan, beds and toilets could be added to the upper levels for those who will be subjected to longer delays.

Delivery guaranteed - or is it?

Ben, 16, delivers this week's Petersfield Messenger

to a resident on the Herne Farm estate

Petersfield Post Office is sending staff on a fact-finding mission to several teenagers’ homes in the town.

As soon as it stops being so nippy, posties are to meet up with delivery kids from around the district to get some tips on coping with slippy pavements while carrying a delivery bag.

The voyage of discovery has been set up by Post Office bosses after it emerged that while official post had not been delivered to many streets in the town for a week, somehow essential supplies of Papa Johns leaflets and freebie newspapers seemed to have made it through the letterbox.

"It definitely has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that the kids don’t get paid if they fail to deliver whereas our guys can nip off down the pub on full pay once they’ve reported for duty and decided the snow looks a bit dodgy," said Royal Mail spokesperson IQ Longtime.

Entire world cut off

The snow has reached unprecedented levels ...

unless you're from somewhere other than England

The entire population of Planet Earth has been dramatically cut off from Petersfield by snow.

People the world over hoping to reach the Hampshire town, famed for its long Post Office queue and plans to concrete over land only months after being admitted into the South Downs National Park, have been stopped in their tracks by the sudden adverse weather.

One man had travelled thousands of miles to reach Petersfield, only to fail just outside the town.

He said: "I'd heard about Petersfield's welcoming attitude to heartless property developers like me and was hoping to build 16 starter homes on a small triangle of land I'd identified between the sports centre and the children's playground. Now all that's in doubt because of a jack-knifed lorry near Liss."

On a brighter note, nobody from Bordon can get into the town today.

Santa's PO grotto

In something of a coup, Petersfield Post Office has managed to secure the services of out-of-work funny man John Henshaw on Christmas Eve.

The Post Office awarded free use of the comedian’s services to the branch which could boast the worst record across the land, and Petersfield won by a mile; quite literally. On the day the judges measured the queue it was very nearly a mile long.

So to celebrate the festive season, the Post Office has been turned into one big grotto with Henshaw kitted out in a Santa outfit and white beard, talking to those lucky enough to have made it into the building.

Cindy Sack speaking on behalf of the Post Office, said: “This should bring some welcome cheer to our customers at this festive time.

“Once anyone in the queue has reached the building, they know that they will at least be entertained for the final two hours or so of their ordeal.

“Also, on a positive note, I can confirm that none of those queuing during the last week or so has had to contend with slippery conditions. The queue has been there day and night, so the snow has not actually had a chance to lay on the ground beneath their feet.”

Post Office queue visible from space.

Russian cosmonauts working aboard the International Space Station say the queue for Petersfield's Post Office is now visible to the naked eye from their orbital position.

Their discovery means the town's queue joins an elite club of man-made structures visible from space which includes the Great Wall of China, Dubai's Palm Island, the Pyramids at Giza and the great Ego of Cowper.

Royal Mail spokesman Sam Daydelivery said: "We're delighted that the popularity of our Post Office in the town is being recognised from afar. This achievement alone completely justifies our policy of slowing everybody down by selling countless insurance products and phone contracts at the counter."

Petersfield Newswire asked the cosmonauts to send photographic evidence to back-up their claim but unfortunately it was raining.

Christmas queue date unveiled

Petersfield Post Office has announced its 'last queueing date for Christmas' - and it's Tuesday, December 8.

"December 8 is the last date anyone can join the queue and genuinely expect to be served before Christmas," said Royal Mail spokesman Bob Jobsworth.

"Whether you need a stamp, want to check your letter against that odd cutout cardboard thingy we use these days to determine which exhorbitant price you'll pay, or you just want to dither about asking pointless questions of our staff, now's the time to start your wait."

At the time of going to press, the end of the queue was edging past the war memorial towards Heath Road, so by now it's probably somewhere near the Taro Leisure Centre (this is an estimate - actually a pointlessly wild guess - and Petersfield Newswire accepts no responsibility if the queue has headed in the opposite direction and is now lingering outside Macdonalds).

Action at Post Office ... for a change

Staff at the Post office have taken action

to entertain the crowds

Petersfield Post Office has taken the initiative in the ongoing queueing furore, by offering entertainment to its customers.

Some time ago the Post Office fitted a TV screen in its Petersfield branch, in front of the queue above the serving counter, which has been showing a cycle of adverts starring archetypal northern actor John Henshaw.

Now, however, Post Office officials have announced they have been granted the required permission to show many of the UK's favourite comedy shows - and these will now be broadcast continually from the moment the doors open to the time the branch shuts.

Anticipating the enormous wait that might lay ahead, customers can time their visit to the Post Office to coincide with their favourite shows. The final list has yet to be agreed but an early draft suggests fans of Porridge will do well to buy their stamps on a Monday, whilst those waiting to send a parcel overseas on a Saturday will be entertained by family favourite Only Fools and Horses.

Dee Livery, speaking for the Post Office, said: "We still have a few daft old pensioners who come in for their pension on a Thursday, so we thought that would be a good day to show Dad's Army.

"We are often accused of not planning ahead - well rest assured, any further deterioration in the service will see us showing feature-length films."

Postal action strikes a chord

Postal workers have been amazed by the phenomenal support Petersfield residents have given their strike action.

Hundreds of people came out to back the cause and formed one of the largest picket lines in the country, extending across the town square and down the High Street.

Strike leader Trey Sunion said: “The support we’ve had is overwhelming. People give us a lot of flak at times about the postal service and the queues here, but this goes to show when the chips are down they’re all backing us.

“We’ve had a few scabs crossing the picket and the response was unbelievable, hundreds of people shouting their heads off at them. They’ll think twice before doing it again.”

Basil Duffer, of Barham Road, was among those supporting the strike. The 86-year-old said: “I’m a regular customer of this post office and I can honestly say this is the worst it’s ever been.

“We all expect to queue but I’ve been here all day today and it literally hasn’t moved an inch. It’s ridiculous.

“Early on a couple of people obviously got fed up and went to walk straight to the front but we all gave them an earful and no one’s tried it since.”

Queue clash causes confusion

There were extraordinary scenes in the square yesterday (Wednesday) when the queue for the petition against the length of the Post Office queue, actually stretched further than the Post Office queue itself.

Mo Knerr from Bell Hill objected most strongly. She said: "This is crazy. I know this is a worthwhile cause, but I also need to buy some stamps and I'm due to be going away at the weekend; couldn't we combine the queues in some way?

"The only good thing is that the kind lady behind me has promised to mind my place in the queue when we reach Review hairdressing salon, so I'll take the opportunity to pop in for a trim."

More queuing nonsense...

A solution is on the cards at last for the 'disgraceful' (© Michael Mates MP) queues at Petersfield Post Office.

After complaints that some customers have had to wait for more than 30 minutes and queue outside, a revolutionary plan has been cooked up to keep them fed, watered and informed while they hang around to buy a stamp or two.

A local builder has been employed to knock a hole in the wall of neighbouring pub The George and, if necessary, a further archway into the public library.

"This means Post Office customers can enjoy a pint and burger, or maybe read a book or two while they wait," said George barman Hammy Grey.

"It should make queueing for a passport form almost bearable."

However, some people are never happy.

One passing grump commented: "'Why do all pensioners decide to go to the post office at lunchtime just as the rest of us are trying to get stuff done during our short lunch break? Those dithery old bastards have got all day to collect their bloody pension!"

 Newswire tip - If you're a snobby middle-class woman, why not go straight to the front of the queue feigning an interest in the 'foreign exchange' counter - and then just buy your stamps without waiting?

St Peter's yes; St Michael no...

Plans to re-route the ever extending queue at Petersfield Post Office have met with opposition from retailer Marks & Spencer.

To avoid tailbacks on the A3, proposals have been put forward to move the queue so that it trails past the library and St Peter's Church, down past Foggy's and into St Peter's Rd.

But this has subsequently received a cool welcome from the retailer renowned for its underwear, chocolates and chocolate underwear.

M&S spokesman Julie Dear said: "We understand that snaking the queue across the square and past the public toilets will bring much welcome relief to some of the older people in the queue.

"That said, M&S’s concern is that any further deterioration in the service standards would mean that the queue would interfere with cars trying to get into the car park; and this is not just any old car park, this is an M&S car park."

Queue palaver drags on

Stan came prepared for a long wait

Outraged residents are being forced to queue for up to 20 minutes to sign a petition protesting against the long queues in the town’s Post Office.

Local old fella Stan Dardbearer, 85, said: “I’m at a loss to understand why, when they know people will want to sign the petition, they don’t put on more staff to deal with it.

“I started queuing around by the Oxfam shop last Friday, when I went to sign the petition … and it’s now Tuesday.”

Nobody from the British National Party was available for comment.

A disgruntled resident writes . . .

Hugh Jorgan, 93, from Rams Hill, has contacted the Newswire team.
 
“I hear the council is thinking about moving the statue of William the third.
 
“Can I suggest it is moved to opposite where the Savoy used to be so I have got something to lean against when I start queuing for the Post Office?”