What have the Romans ever done for us?

Petersfield is set to become the centre of world attention, after the statue of King William the Third was discovered to have something up his sleeve.

 The statue before time had its way

 

For some time now the statue of William the Third, or Bill the Turd as he is known affectionately by locals, has been decaying. The situation reached tipping point on December 21 2011, when Bill’s right arm, the hand of which was holding an unidentified scroll, dropped off.

Wynne Tersolstice, working for R Maggedon Erections who were employed by Petersfield Town Council (PTC) to assess the damage to the statue, has announced that there is a prophecy inscribed in the arm and scroll.

“This is earth-shattering news”, he said. “The discovery of the millennium. You may be aware that life on earth is expected to end at midnight on December 21 2012; this is a widely accepted view, a date that all children are taught at school. Well, it would appear that date is wrong. The actual date is in fact January 21, 2013”

Tersolstice shows us some inscriptions on the inside of the arm and ultimately a series of roman numerals that are inscribed on the inside of the scroll, they read – XXI  I  MMXIII.

One more Christmas after all

“The sculptor’s name also points to the fact that the original Mayan projection was wrong, perhaps working under a nom de plume, as the piece is signed Huan Moore-Month.

“The original calculations were made using the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar, notably used by the pre-Columbian Mayan civilization and is based upon a cycle of thirteen b’ak’tuns (periods of 144,000 days each) since the mythical creation date of the calendar's current era.

“It would appear that since we went decimal back in the 1970s, that’s thrown things a bit and we stand to gain an extra month.”

Speaking on behalf of PTC, Mark Kett-Pitches commented: “You wait ‘til I speak to Al Paca, that Peruvian stallholder who used to sell jumpers, shawls, hats and scarves.

“He refused to renew his licence as we wouldn’t reduce his fee to reflect the fact that 2012 will be a short year. Who’s laughing now Paca?”

A disgruntled resident writes . . .

Hugh Jorgan, 93, from Rams Hill, has contacted the Newswire team.
 
“I hear the council is thinking about moving the statue of William the third.
 
“Can I suggest it is moved to opposite where the Savoy used to be so I have got something to lean against when I start queuing for the Post Office?”

Sight-line plans hit town square

The popularity of Petersfield’s Big Stage event has led campaigners to call for improved sight-lines by the relocation of the town square.

Organisers of the popular event, which brings at least a dozen new coffee shops into the town every bank holiday, are demanding the statue of William III be taken out of the equation by relocating the Square to Petersfield Heath.

Arthur Freewheeling, chairman of Petersfield Big Stage, said: “We realise there would be opposition from retailers in the town were we to suggest pedestrianising the area around the square so we have come up with a compromise solution.

“If we move the Square, stone by stone, down to the Heath, there will be no problems with sight-lines when we erect a stage and the area around where the square once stood can be utilised as a car park, as it is currently every Sunday.

“This will delight some of the retailers in town who will be able to have huge juggernauts deliver their envelopes of stock every day.”

Haberdasher Matt Tress has applauded the idea.

He said: “It’s great to see campaigners campaigning for a worthwhile campaign. I want big lorries and plenty of them. Obviously we won’t have any customers because they’ll all be down at the Heath. But it may well drive down the cost of a skinny latte in town.”

Nobody from the British National Party was available for comment.