Petersfield time capsule hangs in balance

David Weeks' shiny suit could be buried under Petersfield square

Plans to bury a time capsule under Petersfield’s town square hang in the balance after officials could not decide what to include.

Initially, council officials wanted local residents to suggest ideas but a straw poll in the square this week revealed the majority of people had nothing contemporaneous to offer up as most had merely been waiting in the Post Office queue since 2005.

One councillor has faced calls to resign – pronounced “Resign!” – after he suggested burying Bordon, while others believe that rather than bury items, in such a precarious economic climate the town’s chattels should be sold off at a car-boot sale.

A popular choice for burial would appear to be David Weeks’ shiny suit – although Weeks himself is apparently reluctant to part with it.

Another suggestion, which would illustrate the plight of the homeless in the early 21^st century, would be to include Mona, the Big Issue seller.

Cllr Ivan Idea added: “We need to include things that represent Petersfield in 2011, so I suggest we cram the box with toy cars so there’s no room for much else. We could squeeze in some pizza delivery leaflets, one of those plastic collection bags distributed by the myriad charity shops in the town and a loan application form showing the extent to which some people would go to buy a round of coffees in Costa.

“Waitrose has kindly offered to supply us with some sun-drenched tomatoes to illustrate the town’s eating habits, while we will also include a vial of water from the lake just in case somebody in 2111 has come up with a cure for those bloody algae.”

Not everybody is in favour of burying a capsule, however. Cllr Kerr Mudgeon insists the town square already has a sealed time capsule.

He said: “The Market Inn pub has been sealed up for as long as I can remember and there seems no likelihood of it being reopened. I would therefore suggest we leave that as the town’s time capsule and just decorate the outside, perhaps with some paint or something.

“I’m sure, if it was opened up in 100 years time – or later if the economy hasn’t picked up by then – the contents would be very interesting: some empty beer cans, the odd used prophylactic, empty syringes, BNP newsletters and some copies of the Daily Mail all left by the last customers to leave.

“It would be fascinating. And almost certainly the news agenda and stories in the Daily Mail would be very similar, if not identical, to today.”

Stabbing ‘not news'

 

Hampshire's air ambulance 

A stabbing in Petersfield Square was not considered news by both the town’s major newspapers.

Despite a man in his 20s being airlifted to hospital by helicopter from the Avenue playing fields - and a 35-year-old man being arrested as police launched an investigation into an ‘attempted murder’ - both the Petersfield Proust and Petersfield Harold decided to ignore the incident on their websites today.

The Proust decided to lead on its own charity fundraising efforts with the stunning headline ‘Foundation safe for another year’, while the Harold opted for the big junior sports day at Liss.

A media spokesman said: “Local people aren’t interested in all this violent behaviour – even when it happens in the Square at 5 in the afternoon and the police seal it off for hours.

“No, what they want is bland stuff about charities and schools that – more importantly – can be sent in to us by contributors so that none of our non-existent reporters actually have to leave the office.”

What's all shish then

I went to the dentist. He said: “Say Aaah.”

I said: “Why?” He said: “My dog's died.”

A kebeb van owner has failed in his attempt to obtain a license to sell food in Petersfield’s town square from midnight until 1am on Saturdays and Sundays.

The application made by Whezma Spanyul, owner of the Just Like That kebab van, was made on the basis that it is everybody’s basic human right to have food. He argued: “As young people leave the town’s pubs after a night’s drinking they should have the opportunity to buy wholesome food, init peeps.”

Kebab van fare is already available from an incumbent van which parks in the square and is licensed to trade until midnight on Friday and Saturday nights.

The existing kebab van has however been caught flouting the law and trading beyond midnight. The owner is now being watched very closely to ensure he keeps to the strict 12 o’clock deadline.

Spanyul believes he has a chance of ousting the existing van and had hoped to steal a march on his competitor by getting a license for an extra hour.

Petersfield Town Council released a statement saying: “The request from Mr Spanyul has been turned down. Whilst it could be argued that there is a requirement for wholesome and nutritional food, this van can hardly be described as offering any on its menu.”

Special delivery

 The hole in Petersfield Town Square

Precautions taken by Petersfield Town Council, shoring up the statue of William III in the town square have proven extremely prudent, as cracks in the paving widened, giving way to a gaping hole very nearby.

The hole appeared over night and only this morning was the reason for the rift evident to locals, as a Chilean flag appeared from the depths, to be planted at the hole-side.

‘Rescued’ miners then started appearing via a pod at the rate of about one per hour. But they took one look at the queue for the Post office and jumped back down in the hole…