News on the dark side

A shot in the dark 

Thieves broke in to a Folly Market shop stealing jewellery and other goods that could be melted down for profit. Police are asking for anyone who has recently been offered a quantity of plastic to contact them urgently.

 Energy saving lights?

Petersfield Town's great Christmas light switch on took place on Friday, coinciding with the launch of the 'Christmas Trail', a treasure hunt which invites participants to spot out of place items in the High Street.

Immediately obvious to all, but reminiscent of the good old days, was the lady dressed as a traffic warden who could be seen pacing around the town.

Black cat

A Sheet household who all but stole a cat are pleading for the real owners to come forward as it is eating them out of house and home. The Ateatstoomuchs of Outwomans Lane enticed the cat into their home with morsels of tuna but are now beginning to realise how much it costs to feed the three-stone moggy. Mike Ateatstoomuch told Newswire: "We unreservedly apologise to the owners of the cat, but plead with them to come forward and take the ruddy thing back."

How do you like it - underexposed?

Pumpkin is being reunited with some of her family this week, and she will be accompanied on her journey by two of her sisters. We are joining forces with the Petersfield Proust and offering you the opportunity to win a leg of lamb if you can correctly identify what type of creature Pumpkin is from the above photograph.

Images courtesy of the Petersfield Proust, whose photographer has asked us to make an on-line appeal for a Nikon battery charger. If you can help please contact Len Scap direct at the Proust offices.

Folding paper could be much worse than it sounds

Some fish and chips, sold by a fish and chip shop yesterday 

D-Day is looming for our two local papers: the Petersfield Proust and Petersfield Harold.

The newspaper industry is in rapid decline and local media expert Meg Azine believes one of the papers may be forced to fold before Christmas owing to a dearth of suitable stories.

She explained: “Recently the papers have been able to exist on a diet of exam result pictures, prom pictures and pages of pictures taken at events like the summer festivities. It’s got like a middle-class Hello! 

“But with summer almost behind us these options are no longer open to the newspapers. They have to start finding proper stories and there just aren’t enough to go around.

“The economy has hit them hard: with university fees going up next year, fewer private-school kids are able to take a year off to try to go round the world and ask for financial support in the paper while being photographed on their bike, in their canoe or simply looking posh.

“Every available piece of land appears to have been built on so there are no residents’ campaigns to feature; there are fewer and fewer ‘vicious attacks’ or murders for neighbours to ‘come to terms with’; banks can no longer afford to print giant cheques to hand over to allotment holders; and if we get a traffic warden even the letters page might have to go.

“Already we have seen stories such as ‘fish and chip shop sells fish and chips’ and ‘ex-railway worker has shiny top hat’. And a local non-entity has even been given his own column to pad out the Proust. The signs are not good.”

However, local entrepreneur Osama Ben Hurry, a specialist in “stepping in at the last minute to save the day” plans to step in at the last minute to save the day. He claims to have an idea which would enable both papers to survive at least until the new year.

“It’s called the Christmas Festivities,” he said. “I thought we could shut the High St for three days, have some live music, some Christmas-themed stalls and a special big arrow pointing from the War Memorial to Café Fusso, so nobody misses out on business.

“It will provide lots of stories in the run-up to Christmas if we come up with some awards and some disgruntled shopkeepers – and there’s never any shortage of those in Petersfield. And afterwards there will be enough pictures of small children wrapped up warm and old men in shiny suits to last well into January.

“Then if we launch an Easter Festivities we should have enough material to last until the next murder happens. It would be a tragedy if this small town lost its overpriced and news-light local papers.”

A spokesman for the Petersfield Harold denied the newspaper was facing an uncertain future.

“There is no truth in the rumour of our potential demise,” he insisted. “Only this week in our editorial meeting we discussed the possibility of a ‘biggest sunflower’ competition and the use of more ‘news’ from Haslemere. It’s business as usual here.”

Stabbing ‘not news'

 

Hampshire's air ambulance 

A stabbing in Petersfield Square was not considered news by both the town’s major newspapers.

Despite a man in his 20s being airlifted to hospital by helicopter from the Avenue playing fields - and a 35-year-old man being arrested as police launched an investigation into an ‘attempted murder’ - both the Petersfield Proust and Petersfield Harold decided to ignore the incident on their websites today.

The Proust decided to lead on its own charity fundraising efforts with the stunning headline ‘Foundation safe for another year’, while the Harold opted for the big junior sports day at Liss.

A media spokesman said: “Local people aren’t interested in all this violent behaviour – even when it happens in the Square at 5 in the afternoon and the police seal it off for hours.

“No, what they want is bland stuff about charities and schools that – more importantly – can be sent in to us by contributors so that none of our non-existent reporters actually have to leave the office.”

For Flecks Sake! An angel speaks…

An angry angel yesterday 

Angels across the world – and heaven - have hit back at suggestions that they look like specks of dust.

“We’ve got bloody great wings and everything!” ranted Gabriel Godsmate, communications officer for the World Angels Network Corporation (WANC). “When we deign to come down for a worldly visitation, you’ll know all about it – all right?”

Gabriel was forced to speak out after an ungodly furore broke out as Petersfield photographer Len Scapstillon tried to cover up just how crap his pictures were by claiming “Maybe, er, angels got in the way…”

Mr Scapstillon had taken a series of out of focus photographs at an awards ceremony for young footballers and was horrified to discover that, not only were the award winners miles in the distance, but the huge space around them was full of dust flecks reflecting light.

 Two specks of dust yesterday

He confessed: “As my wife is an ‘angel therapist’, we came up with a plan to not only cover up my shortcoming as a photographer but to get a free plug for her business – which, strangely, doesn’t seem to be taking off as we’d hoped.

“I thought it sounded a bit flaky but unbelievably the Petersfield Proust printed the lot across nearly a whole page – and even plugged my flimsy excuses on the front page!

“I couldn’t believe it but maybe it’s the angels at work.”

Godsmate was heard to flap his wings and mutter “For flecks sake…”