Petersfield: Sleepy market town

Spellbinding stuff

Petersfield hypnotherapist The Great Mesmo has won a national award for his work with vulnerable people suffering from stress, weight issues, and those trying to cut down on drinking or give up smoking.

The Great Mesmo now lives out of town in a large mansion on his own estate, but it would appear all of his money has been well earned as Newswire is unable to find a single dissatisfied customer.

Those we interviewed who had used The Great Mesmo couldn’t actually remember how much they had paid him but all were adamant that his work is second to none.

We spoke to Luke Innamyize, chairman of the Regulatory Authority for Necromancing and Charming  Entrepreneurs (TRANCE), the body that made the award, and he seemed a little confused. He said: “To be honest I can’t actually remember making the award, but it is definitely my signature on the certificate. So well done to him. By the way, have you seen a pigskin wallet lying around anywhere?”

One of The Great Mesmo’s most effusive customers, Hugh Jarce, from Bell Hill, said: “I used to be overweight and my friend suggested that I try a session with Doctor Mesmo. To be honest I’ve never looked back.

Hugh Jarce sold clothes and furniture to pay The Great Mesmo's fees

“I lost weight pretty much overnight and look at me now; I look in the mirror every morning and am delighted with the results. Well worth every penny and the keys to my Range Rover, which I was more than happy to hand over.”

A sign of the times in Petersfield

 

Splendid signage

Petersfield is celebrating after being awarded European Centre of Signage status for 2012.

The prestigious award follows a vigorous vetting procedure which saw the east Hampshire town lauded for its “lack of regulation” and “diversity”.

The chairman of the EU panel of international judges, Bill Board, explained: “Petersfield was the stand-out candidate. Too often in large cities, where there is an abundance of regulated hoardings the focus is on big corporations and legitimate, paid-for advertising and the close proximity of golf sales.

“But Petersfield manages to be a smorgasbord of unregulated signage, from bright yellow notices of forthcoming comedy nights to posters in a cleverly designed childish form advertising bonfire nights. And they’re not just limited to one area – these notices are all over town, ranging from A4 notices attached to lamposts to six-foot posters nailed to bits of plywood and tied to roadside trees.

“It was this diversity, lack of regulation and complete disregard for aesthetics and the safety of road users which appealed to the judging panel. That’s why it was placed ahead of Tromsø, in Norway, and the small French village of Beaucoups de Trivialities, just north of Ridicules.”

A spokesman for Petersfield Town Council, Bobby Bear, was able to provide further details of the panel’s findings.

He said: “The judges made comment about the diversity of our signage and picked out for special mention the seasonal Petersfield Town Juniors six-a-side signs – described as ‘plentiful and effective’; the ubiquitous ‘Hot Tub Sale’ notice – ‘hugely informative’; the Winton Players’ series – ‘just made us want to go and buy a ticket’; and the ‘hilarious’ no parking at any time notices in the High Street, which ‘showed a satirical and contemporary sense of humour, largely lacking in other conurbations’.

“We are delighted to win such a prestigious award and you can guarantee somebody will produce a handwritten bill in celebration and staple it to a telegraph pole near you soon.”

For Flecks Sake! An angel speaks…

An angry angel yesterday 

Angels across the world – and heaven - have hit back at suggestions that they look like specks of dust.

“We’ve got bloody great wings and everything!” ranted Gabriel Godsmate, communications officer for the World Angels Network Corporation (WANC). “When we deign to come down for a worldly visitation, you’ll know all about it – all right?”

Gabriel was forced to speak out after an ungodly furore broke out as Petersfield photographer Len Scapstillon tried to cover up just how crap his pictures were by claiming “Maybe, er, angels got in the way…”

Mr Scapstillon had taken a series of out of focus photographs at an awards ceremony for young footballers and was horrified to discover that, not only were the award winners miles in the distance, but the huge space around them was full of dust flecks reflecting light.

 Two specks of dust yesterday

He confessed: “As my wife is an ‘angel therapist’, we came up with a plan to not only cover up my shortcoming as a photographer but to get a free plug for her business – which, strangely, doesn’t seem to be taking off as we’d hoped.

“I thought it sounded a bit flaky but unbelievably the Petersfield Proust printed the lot across nearly a whole page – and even plugged my flimsy excuses on the front page!

“I couldn’t believe it but maybe it’s the angels at work.”

Godsmate was heard to flap his wings and mutter “For flecks sake…”

"A site for sore eyes" says journalist with sore eyes...

Renoir's Bloke Smoking Carrot is one of the many

valuable works of art on display in the cultural town of Petersfield

Life in Petersfield magazine has launched an investigation into how Petersfield Newswire has been nominated for recognition in the publication’s annual community awards.

The spoof news website is on a shortlist of three for the arts and entertainment award – a decision which shocked the magazine’s deputy editor, Ed Vertisement.

He said: “I suspect foul play here as how a largely irrelevant and unfunny website such as Petersfield Newswire can be more popular than some of the other candidates in a town with such a cultural pedigree is beyond me.

“Look at some of the worthy groups and facilities who have been left off the list. There’s that bloke in the shiny suit who turns up to the opening of a crisp packet; that young stand-up comic lady with the downmarket magazines at the top of Rams Walk; and the town’s world-renowned gallery of Comedy Club signs.

“All of these are far more worthy than a website – it doesn’t even carry advertising for heaven’s sake!”

Other groups and events who have expressed disappointment at being omitted from the list include the Petersfield Philharmonic Orchestra, a touring production of Chekhov’s little-known play Uncle Vanya Visits a Farmers’ Market, Owen’s Ring Cycle Shop Operatic Society, Bojangles School’s exhibition of business-class gap-year air tickets, a bloke called Keith who can play La Marseillaise on a 19^th century copper kettle and the hilarious South-West Trains timetable.

A spokesman for Petersfield Newswire, who was prepared to be known only as Jeffrey Archer, admitted: “It came as a shock to us too. We didn’t realise anybody actually read our stuff. There has been a suggestion that residents of Bordon have been voting in order to subvert the awards but I have many family members in Bordon and I refute the allegation that any of them have voted more than eight times each.

“Obviously we’re delighted to be nominated if we win; if we don’t win, we’ll just dismiss it as a meaningless piece of corporate chicanery designed to make people feel valued. We suspect it will probably be the latter.”

Voting for the Life in Petersfield community awards arts and entertainment category has now closed. Any votes you make now will not be counted but you may still be charged through the nose, particularly if you visit Waitrose or the farmers’ market.

Merry Christmas to our reader ...

Many thanks to all our followers and readers who have voted us the top website called Petersfield Newswire in the recent Top Site Called Petersfield Newswire Awards 2010, in association with Petersfield Newswire.

We couldn’t have done it without you. Actually that’s tosh! Clearly we could … and did. But the sentiment’s there.

Just who are the men behind the Newswire?

Maybe this candid shot from the office party will give a clue

Anyway, happy Christmas and thanks for your support which has given us the will to keep going throughout 2010 and into 2011. We may even take local advertising next year so if you’re interested in supporting us drop a line to stuff@petersfieldnewswire.co.uk.

If you want to support us but don’t have a business to plug, drop us a line anyway and we’ll tell you where to send food and drink…

And don't forget if you think you know who one of us is, you can approach us in the street and say: "I think you're a member of the Petersfield Newswire team and here's my £10 donation." Not forgetting of course, to make the £10 donation. We're sorry, we no longer accept cheques but Port and whisky are always appreciated.

Have a good one.

Clint, Frank, DJ, Cyrano and Plato.

Petersfield awards recognise community stuff...

The Alternative Best in Petersfield awards were announced today at an event cancelled by East Hampshire District Council.

Spoilsport of the Year – sponsored by voters: East Hampshire District Council, for its pettiness over the popular festivities’ series

Moaner of the Year – sponsored by the Big Issue seller: Jeweller Trevor Towner, for his incessant whinging about the potential pedestrianisation of the Square – and anything else which gets up his nose

Grower of the Year – who needs a sponsor man?: Bojangles School for its excellent cannabis crop

Uncontrollable leviathan of the Year – sponsored by a rival building company: Kebbell Homes for trying to squeeze another half-dozen homes on to a manhole cover

Services to roadside vomit – sponsored by longer opening hours: Netherregions’ Red Lion, for its cheap drink and 25/8 opening hours

Newspaper of the Year – sponsored by Leaf in Petersfield: The Petersfield Proust, for its remembrance of things past

Eyesore of the year – sponsored by Lithe in Petersfield: No not the bloke from the railways in the shiny suit, but the Market Inn and its boarded-up windows. Somebody do something with it for Gawd’s sake…

Most Impressive Still Life – sponsored by the Hubble Telescope: The Post Office queue – it can be seen from space you know!

The “we-all-used-to-hate-you-but-now-we-really-want-you-back-again” Award – sponsored by pedestrians: The town’s traffic warden

Irritant of the Year – sponsored by natural yoghurt: Mona and her “beeeeeeeeg eeessssssssssuuuuuuuu perleaaaaaaaaaaaaaase”. Ask nicely woman…

Inexplicably Popular Shop of the Year – sponsored by Woolworth: The 98p Shop… why, when you can get such better quality for a penny more at the 99p Store?

Restaurant of the Year – sponsored by Andrews Liver Salts: The first one to respond to stuff@petersfieldnewswire.co.uk with a voucher for a meal for six

Website of the year – sponsored by Trite in Petersfield: Petersfield Newswire, for pricking the pomposity of Petersfield’s pretentious p…something

All nominations for extra awards should be sent to stuff@petersfieldnewswire.co.uk