Blow me

Proper fairy lights, arranged by real fairies.

A treemendous reversal of fortunes has seen Petersfield win a second award for its Christmas tree lights, this time because they look so beautiful. 

Our story of 20 December 2011, told you how the straight lines of lights that were simply hanging vertically from the town tree had met with bad reviews from all and sundry, and had in fact won us a wooden spoon type award from the appropriately named Government Body - CRAP (Christmas Redecoration And Parties). That same organisation has now awarded us a gold star! 

Newswire questioned Petersfield Town Council (PTC) in an effort to establish who should be congratulated for the alterations, but nobody seems to know who was responsible.

Speaking on behalf of PTC Wynne Dee-Knight told us: "Nobody was given instructions to make the changes, but the Council will happily take the credit for the improvements; doesn't it look lovely".

Harry Caneforce, a member of the PTC team who is responsible for removing the decorations told us: "We don't know who did it, the way the lights were draped it would have taken me only a few minutes to remove them, now it's going to take me quite a while to untangle the ruddy things from the tree. Irresponsible, that's what it is".

Apart from Mr Caneforce, everyone we spoke to regards the display is far more Christmassy and imaginative, far better than the dreadful straight lines that hung there before.

Speaking on behalf of CRAP, Gus T Weather told us: "This really is an incredible story, what a stunning transformation. Adding to the mystery of course, the work seems to have been carried out overnight by fairies. Real fairy lights, how wonderful".

How the council spends your money

As easy as pie

 

Leaked accounts from East Havantshire District Council reveal the major categories of public expenditure in Petersfield.

 

Nineteen per cent of the council's budget was spent on Forgetting Remembrance Day. This is a particularly difficult task given that Remembrance Day has been fixed into the national calendar for nearly 100 years and that everybody walks around wearing poppies for several weeks beforehand. The council spent significant funds ignoring these clues.

 

Fifteen per cent of the budget was channelled into the "Failing to organise the Olympic Sreeen" project. The costs of delivering this disappointment were greater than expected, forcing the council to dip into its special "Ignoring the wishes of everybody" and "Working extra hard to find one person with a minor grievance" reserve budgets.

 

The single biggest spend, however, was on ruining bin collections, a complicated procedure which required the council to co-ordinate the disruption with Winchester .

 

Council spokeswoman, Mercedes Penz, of Penz Place said: "It takes a great deal of money to be this incompetent but it all supports our equality mission: to make Petersfield as shit as Havant. I think we're doing remarkably well, don't you?"

A sign of the times in Petersfield

 

Splendid signage

Petersfield is celebrating after being awarded European Centre of Signage status for 2012.

The prestigious award follows a vigorous vetting procedure which saw the east Hampshire town lauded for its “lack of regulation” and “diversity”.

The chairman of the EU panel of international judges, Bill Board, explained: “Petersfield was the stand-out candidate. Too often in large cities, where there is an abundance of regulated hoardings the focus is on big corporations and legitimate, paid-for advertising and the close proximity of golf sales.

“But Petersfield manages to be a smorgasbord of unregulated signage, from bright yellow notices of forthcoming comedy nights to posters in a cleverly designed childish form advertising bonfire nights. And they’re not just limited to one area – these notices are all over town, ranging from A4 notices attached to lamposts to six-foot posters nailed to bits of plywood and tied to roadside trees.

“It was this diversity, lack of regulation and complete disregard for aesthetics and the safety of road users which appealed to the judging panel. That’s why it was placed ahead of Tromsø, in Norway, and the small French village of Beaucoups de Trivialities, just north of Ridicules.”

A spokesman for Petersfield Town Council, Bobby Bear, was able to provide further details of the panel’s findings.

He said: “The judges made comment about the diversity of our signage and picked out for special mention the seasonal Petersfield Town Juniors six-a-side signs – described as ‘plentiful and effective’; the ubiquitous ‘Hot Tub Sale’ notice – ‘hugely informative’; the Winton Players’ series – ‘just made us want to go and buy a ticket’; and the ‘hilarious’ no parking at any time notices in the High Street, which ‘showed a satirical and contemporary sense of humour, largely lacking in other conurbations’.

“We are delighted to win such a prestigious award and you can guarantee somebody will produce a handwritten bill in celebration and staple it to a telegraph pole near you soon.”

Council don’t see big picture

A Liverpool shopper parks up before shopping for a new shell suit

 

East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) has ruled that Petersfield will not be able to claim one of the big screens that is up for grabs to air coverage of the 2012 Olympics.

 

Pete Sayke, speaking on behalf of EHDC, said: “Petersfield can’t have a screen for the 2012 Olympics for two reasons, one, we have nowhere to put it and two, Petersfield Town Council (PTC) would be unable to guarantee its security.”

 

It was originally thought a few civil-minded market stall holders would relocate for two weeks during the Olympics, providing space for the big screen so that it could take pride of place in the square, but this has proved not to be the case.

 

Phil Yacushons, the stall holder who sells big sheets of foam, voiced his concern. He said: “I have enough trouble selling this ruddy stuff as it is, I mean who wants to buy foam for goodness sake. If I am relocated to the church graveyard or wherever it is they want to put me, I won’t sell a thing!”

 

The stallholders were not the only obstacle however; the issue of security is another huge stumbling block. EHDC had specifically insisted that PTC would have to ensure that 24-hour security would be provided for the screens and PTC has said they considered this an unnecessary expense.

 

Sayke said: “Petersfield is located between Havant and Bordon, and to place a 56-foot plasma screen in the town square would be like leaving an unlocked Ferrari in Liverpool town centre, it would be gone before anyone had a chance to see the opening ceremony!”

Petersfield project wins national award

The rising pile of litter is clearly visible behind the skatepark fence

Petersfield’s skatepark has entered the record books within six months of opening – for the amount of litter it has generated.

Officials from the Government’s Department of Really Untidy Places have confirmed the amount of litter produced in the last six months has topped that of the previous record holder Trafalgar Square.

The announcement came after Tony Robinson’s Time Team crew was called in to Love Lane on Sunday to excavate Petersfield Town Football Club’s stadium from under an increasing pile of fast-food containers, drinks cartons, lycra shirts and Marvel comics, in time for one of the club’s biggest annual events.

A spokesman for Petersfield Town Council said: “We are delighted the skatepark has received official recognition and this is testament to the effort we put in to ensuring the project went ahead despite opposition from NIMBYs, for whom this latest accolade must be a real blow.

“This is only the second occasion the Time Team programme has visited Petersfield and it helps to put the town on the map. The subsequent spin-offs are good for the town too.

“The number of seagulls circling overhead enables visiting skateboarders to find the skate park easily, plus we are able to employ another 16 refuse collectors on a permanent basis for the Love Lane recreation field alone.

“What’s more, once Tony Robinson and his team had rediscovered the town’s football club underneath the detritus they also found Shergar and Lord Lucan. The town’s museum will benefit exponentially.”

A spokesman for the town’s football club, who had been reported missing for six days underneath the burgeoning morass, emerged to say: “We share the council’s delight at this award. It has really helped put us on the map.

"The young people visiting are always leaving fast-food containers or losing their expensive trainers, while the 30-somethings who use the site lose their dignity and a large amount of unkempt facial hair.

“The combination of all these things is second-to-none and the council should be congratulated for having the initiative to hide one of the resident waste-paper bins around the corner out-of-sight. It only encourages the visitors to dump more on the ground when the main bin is full. Absolute genius!”

Petersfield's band stand-off

Petersfield councillors have strongly criticised a local man for daring to have an idea.

The man’s idea was to erect a bandstand in the town so families could enjoy live music together in the beautiful open air setting of Petersfield Heath.

Councillors immediately convened a meeting to thrash-out reasons why his idea is bad and recorded the following conclusions:

1. Only the council is permitted to have ideas.
2. Anybody who thinks they have an idea does not. It’s merely “a thought” which has to be submitted in triplicate to Pennywhistles Place before it can be converted into an idea and properly credited to the relevant municipal committee.
3. Sharing ideas in public only leads to enthusiasm.
4. Councillors have a public duty to dampen enthusiasm within five working days.

Councillor Rachel Prejudice explained to Petersfield Newswire the strict rules which govern these circumstances.

She said: "It is unacceptable for anybody in the area to have an idea let alone discuss it, openly, in public, with people. Coming up with ideas should be left to the professionals. 

"Take, for example, our imaginative decision to create the unmissably entertaining Partners magazine with your money, or our inspired purchase of wooden Christmas chalets which we now store at your cost.”

Maybe one of those will do as a bandstand...

Freedom to slash

A Lib-Dem MP makes a promise to a constituent

Petersfield councillors are celebrating after being given the ‘freedom’ to slash their own services.

The Con-Dem coalition government is planning to ‘empower’ local councils to ‘get more for less’ - shortly after decimating spending on everything from schools to skate parks and libraries to lesbian drop-in centres.

If services have to be cut ministers have generously told councils “No, you tell them…”

And Lib-Dem councillors – who were previously opposed to slashing public services – are now backing the move as “a victory for localism”.

Cllr Philip Flop, who signed a pledge to protect Petersfield from cuts before the last election, said: “This is a victory for localism.”

He added: “We Liberals have always wanted a little bit of power and now we’ve got it we intend to use it. I may even sack myself…”

Petersfield’s Tory MP Damian Hindsight said: “It’s nothing to do with me, all decisions on local spending are down to the council.”

An absolute shower

 

The 12th green at Celtic Manor, Wales 

The agency, responsible for the PR for Wales and the Ryder Cup, have proudly announced that Petersfield is a new client, this is off the back of their recent staggering performance at Celtic Manor.

People from across the world have tuned in and read about the horrendous weather conditions that threaten to greet you should you venture into Wales . On top of this, the huge delays on approach roads and tales of how spectators had to spend hours in their cars, with nothing to do, made headlines across the world.

A spokesman for Who Said There's No Such Thing As Bad PR, or WSTNSTABPR as the company is catchily known, was elated at the news.

"I can confirm that we have been contracted to do some work for Petersfield by Mr Phil Anthropist, I must stress that this contract is not supported or paid for by Petersfield Town Council, who unfortunately have yet to be convinced about the merits of our appointment."

Mr Anthropist was delighted that WSTNSTABPR had accepted the challenge. He told us: "This is a turning point for our quaint old market town.

"For months now developers have been banging on about how necessary it is to build an extra 36,000 homes in the surrounding area. How Petersfield is a place where everybody wants to be, and how we need to be able to accommodate all comers. We are sure our friends at WSTNSTABPR will be able to change all that.

"The remit is simple, just do what they did in Wales and ensure nobody wants to come here.

"Even the money-grabbing developers won't build here if they really believe that they will struggle to sell their homes for big profits.

Speaking on behalf of developers Stack 'Em High, Sly Back-Hander defended the position of developers associated with the local projects. He said: "We have carried out a cost-effective assessment of the need for new housing in the area, and all our tests have proved conclusively positive.

"We have had researchers out for over an hour, establishing how busy roads in the area, and as you probably already know they are very, very busy.

"If there is traffic, this is an area where people want to be, so there is clearly a need to build new homes.

‘Affordable’ Petersfield homes provide contrast to National Park

An artist's impression of how the land near

Penns Place will look if money talks...

Keepball Homes has made an application to build 96 homes on a greenfield site in a bid to counteract council cutbacks.

The company, which has laid waste to acres of farmland in the Petersfield area over the past few decades, has made an application for the development at Penns Field, a site close to the Taro Leisure Centre playing fields and owned currently by Petersfield Town Council.

The company believes the extensive development on such a small patch would provide a pleasant contrast to other sites in the East Hampshire Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty and the South Downs National Park.

Sal Out, Keepball Homes planning consultant, said: “Releasing land at Penns Field would deliver a large donation into the council’s funds and subsequently boost the profits for my client.

“It’s a win-win situation – except for existing residents obviously, but neither the developer nor the council cares about them. Cash is king in 2010.

“It’s an ideal site for new homes and will particularly appeal to people who like grumbling about youngsters enjoying themselves playing sport and those who enjoy sticking a garden fork in footballs that have broken the glass in their cold frames.

“Having said that, you wouldn’t be allowed to install a cold frame without permission in triplicate from the developer, and after the payment of a not-insubstantial fee. Keepball is committed to maintaining a certain level of aesthetic decency.

“In order to ensure they are able to offer ‘affordable’ housing my client will save money by not improving the infrastructure of the town, which as we know can hardly sustain its existing population.

"The idea is to clog up the town entirely, on the streets, in the schools and in the sewers, driving house prices down and making even a four-bedroom detached affordable to Mona the Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg Eeeeesssssssssssssshoooooooooooo seller.”

Lloyd Bank, honourable keeper of the town council cheque book, said: “Obviously on a sensitive project such as this we would consult residents and planning experts extensively before taking the money and running.

“It would certainly help with the council’s finances, after all we have the white elephant of a bloody great skate park to pay for.”

A spokesman for the local residents association was bound and gagged before being bundled into a large builder’s lorry.

Christmas is cancelled

G Rinch makes his persuasive

presentation to fellow councillors

East Hampshire District Council bosses have made an early decision that this year all official Christmas celebrations are cancelled.

Officials are blaming a lack of sponsorship money from local businesses, but in reality they are following the example set by Havant Borough Council who took a similarly unpopular decision a few years ago.

G Rinch, the councillor appointed to make cutbacks, said: “We are looking to make savings in as many areas as possible. There simply isn’t enough money and Christmas is an expendable luxury.

“We aren’t suggesting townfolk can’t celebrate Christmas in their own homes, but we would appreciate it if they can refrain from being outwardly jolly as they walk around town.

“From November 1 we will also be imposing a fairy lights tax which will be levied on all homes that have lights draped in their garden or on the outside of their property. In working-class areas this is expected to raise a small fortune.

“I have had it suggested that Christmas is an easy target; well yes it is, and one we cannot afford to miss.”

We put it to Councillor Rinch that during a recession, and in the middle of winter when nights have drawn in and the weather is at its worst, people, more than ever, look forward to Christmas and the celebrations that take place.

“Bah humbug” he replied sarcastically: “There simply isn’t the money, there will be no tree, no lights and certainly no Christmas Festival with its expensive plastic ice rink.”

In an attempt to appease tax payers, council bosses have agreed to fund the clearing of any snow this year. This may at face value seem like a generous gesture, but Newswire has been told that the council simply want to ensure the town doesn’t look at all festive, bringing back memories of Christmases gone by.