Petersfield’s gypsy plans unveiled

 A traditional gypsy caravan

Dale Farm’s gypsy population has been invited to set up home in Petersfield by Trevor Laws, chairman of Petersfield Town Council’s planning committee.

Laws has set the caravan wheels in motion to meet the housing requirements forced upon the peaceful market town by government.

Petersfield has been told it needs to grow by 422 homes before the end of 2028 and Laws thinks this gives the town a chance to exploit a loophole.

“There are 420 families living on Dale Farm, if they all move down here, there will only be a need to build a further two homes between now and 2028,” he said.

“Nobody wants development apart from the developers themselves, and this would be a great way to avoid it.

“Even the South Downs National Park representatives are caving in to pressure, so my plan will put an end to all this talk of building plots.”

Laws has been in secret talks with Dale Farm representatives Eve Hilleye and Iona Quadbyke, and they have agreed a certain standard of accommodation could be mandatory.

“I have insisted that each home has to be a traditional “pretty” gypsy caravan; the site will look beautiful and if anything, attract visitors to our part of the National Park.

“The caravans could be sited next to our existing caravan population, at the rough end of town, down on The Causeway, so that shouldn’t upset anyone.

Iona Quadbyke tries out the tree with a ladder on the Causeway site

“A loan scheme has been put in place with the Swiss Bank UBS, who are desperate for some good press, and the gypsies will be able to pay for their new caravans over the next 15 years.

“The bonus will be the ‘mates rates’ system that I will insist upon for tarmac resurfacing work. When our roads fall apart this winter, following another ‘unexpected’ cold snap, our new neighbours will be out to fix the cracks before you can say no to a sprig of lucky heather.”

Borderline decision

An artist's impression of how the

affordable housing might have looked.

A developer who wanted to build 80 houses and 102 flats on land at Oaklands House, Redhill Road, Rowlands Castle, is being forced to go back to the drawing board after a government inspector dismissed the company’s appeal to reduce the requirement for social housing on the site.

Whopping Properties had tried to push through planning permission with only 80% of the new houses and flats available to be socially rented or sold cheaply as affordable housing.

The developers were clearly hoping to make their profits on the remaining fifth of the properties.

In an effort to swing the decision, the developers had even offered over half a million pounds, in a brown envelope, for use on existing local social housing in the northern suburb of Leigh Park.

Government inspector, Em Bargo said: “I’m afraid the developers are just too late with this bid, they might have got away with this a few months ago, in the days before the South Downs National Park (SDNP), but not now.”

All of Leigh Park, not just Rowlands Castle, falls outside of the SDNP boundary and one might think this makes planning applications comparatively simple, but the reality of the situation is in fact the complete opposite.

Bargo confirmed: “We will be keeping all kinds of new social housing to an absolute minimum in the SDNP; you will have seen recently that three sites in Petersfield had applications flatly refused.

“Existing social housing will naturally decline within the SDNP, this will be the simple economic affect of rising house prices and the cost of living in a desirable area.

“But the opposite applies to land contiguous to the SDNP; it is here that we will need to cater for those that, shall we say, cannot afford to live in the Park...”

“If Whopping Properties want to develop the land in this northern part of Leigh Park, they need to take very seriously their social responsibility.

“To be honest I’m not sure they have thought it through any way. They were hoping to build what they describe as “desirable” residences, but these would have been surrounded by social housing and house-owners who aspire to move into the SDNP.

“I think it’s a recipe for disaster and would have been something of a white elephant.

“Rental property that can be used by the transient oil refinery workers, that’s where the money will be. You mark my words.”

Horndean not to go it alone

An artist's impression of how the new city might look 

Parish Councillors in Horndean have voted against a move which may have ultimately led to Horndean being given 'Town' status.

Councillor Noel Brainer speaking on behalf of the council told Newswire: "The whole thing would simply be a waste of money and, in any event, we don't believe it would delay the inevitable..."

Cllr Brainer refers to the widely held belief that Bedhampton, Havant, Denvilles, Leigh Park, Rowlands Castle, Waterlooville, Cowplain, Wecock Farm and Horndean are destined to be merged to form a city.

On the east of the A3M, Bedhampton, Havant, Denvilles, Leigh Park and Rowlands Castle already blur into one large estate referred to by planners as Greater Leigh Park. Whilst west of the A3M Waterlooville, Wecock Farm, Cowplain and Horndean also form a similar conglomeration.

A spokesperson for Hampshire Planning Authority, who asked not to be named but was more than happy to accept another drink, told Newswire: "The merger and elevation to city status is certainly on the cards.

"Cities normally evolve high levels of crime, drug use, enclaves of benefit claimants and facilities that are falling into disrepair.

"Leigh Park City or Benefitsville, we have yet to decide on a final name, will already have all this in spades. 

"One also has to be able to look forward and see how the new city will be able to sustain itself, and and for this we look to the northeast corner where, in the Rowlands Castle suburb, the city can make its fortune in oil."

All of the constituent regions were left outside the boundary of the recently accredited area of untouchable natural beauty; the South Downs National Park (SDNP).

This has heaped pressure on these areas for development. On the up-side there would be less red tape when it comes to setting up the oil drilling station and refinery upon which the city may well depend.

An absolute shower

 

The 12th green at Celtic Manor, Wales 

The agency, responsible for the PR for Wales and the Ryder Cup, have proudly announced that Petersfield is a new client, this is off the back of their recent staggering performance at Celtic Manor.

People from across the world have tuned in and read about the horrendous weather conditions that threaten to greet you should you venture into Wales . On top of this, the huge delays on approach roads and tales of how spectators had to spend hours in their cars, with nothing to do, made headlines across the world.

A spokesman for Who Said There's No Such Thing As Bad PR, or WSTNSTABPR as the company is catchily known, was elated at the news.

"I can confirm that we have been contracted to do some work for Petersfield by Mr Phil Anthropist, I must stress that this contract is not supported or paid for by Petersfield Town Council, who unfortunately have yet to be convinced about the merits of our appointment."

Mr Anthropist was delighted that WSTNSTABPR had accepted the challenge. He told us: "This is a turning point for our quaint old market town.

"For months now developers have been banging on about how necessary it is to build an extra 36,000 homes in the surrounding area. How Petersfield is a place where everybody wants to be, and how we need to be able to accommodate all comers. We are sure our friends at WSTNSTABPR will be able to change all that.

"The remit is simple, just do what they did in Wales and ensure nobody wants to come here.

"Even the money-grabbing developers won't build here if they really believe that they will struggle to sell their homes for big profits.

Speaking on behalf of developers Stack 'Em High, Sly Back-Hander defended the position of developers associated with the local projects. He said: "We have carried out a cost-effective assessment of the need for new housing in the area, and all our tests have proved conclusively positive.

"We have had researchers out for over an hour, establishing how busy roads in the area, and as you probably already know they are very, very busy.

"If there is traffic, this is an area where people want to be, so there is clearly a need to build new homes.

Stag do

The White Hart yesterday

Petersfield’s White Hart pub enjoyed its busiest evening for two years last night, when two vagrants broke into the premises and polished off 12 cans of Special Brew, and an out-of-date bag of honey roasted peanuts from behind the bar.

Any hope that this reversal in fortunes might lead to the inn reopening were swiftly dashed by landlord Max Prophet, who said: "Our small establishment is a financial casualty of the recession, the effects of which have been exaggerated by the arrival of a Netherregions pub over the road.

"We were already struggling in the current financial climate and the success of The Red Lion has merely been the nail in our already-prepared coffin.”

Prophet denied the White Hart was simply a rubbish pub, and that it was very rare for customers to wander in and stay for anything more than a polite half long before Netherregions took over the Red Lion.

And he refuted the suggestion that other pubs in the town are not losing trade to the Red Lion and that perhaps, a simple renovation might bring new life to the pub.

He added: "This is irrelevant now. The pub has failed, the building will rapidly become an eyesore, and the best thing for everybody would be for planning to be rushed through for a large block of flats.

"My wife and I find all this very stressful and we just want to be able to take time out in a little chalet that I have my eye on in the Seychelles ."

Sheet spreading

From town to city in ten years

The inhabitants of Sheet village are planning independence as a way of ensuring their village is not surrounded by newly built, affordable housing.

Petersfield’s town planners and big-wig decision makers have already sold out to developers who will soon start work on the Causeway Farm site south east of the market town.

Even before the first digger has thundered in, the next site is up for consideration, south west of Petersfield on the area immediately south of Larcombe Road.

A secret document has found its way into the hands of Lucy Lastic, spokesperson for the Sheet Village Association, which sets out, with crystal clarity, the future expansion plans for the town of Petersfield.

Lastic said: “You can see from this plan the devastation that is set to be unleashed on our town. It is madness and must be stopped.”

The plans do show that within the next 10 years, Petersfield could have trebled in size and no longer be the quaint and idyllic town it is today.

A source at Petersfield Town Council, who asked not to be named, told us: “It is bad, but this is all overspill from Havant. When I say Havant, I mean Havant, Leigh Park, Rowlands Castle, Horndean, Cowplain and Waterlooville.

“This part of the county has been set targets for new housing, and these new-build projects were intended to be shared across the region, but people do not want to live in these areas. What is the point of building homes in areas where people will refuse to live?”

Our informant refuted the suggestion there was more money to be made by the developers by building in Petersfield.

“I understand what you are saying, and it is true that the overheads are the same to build homes here rather than say Rowlands Castle, Leigh Park, or any of those no-go zones just south of the South Downs National Park. I don’t necessarily agree that the homes when completed would have four times the value; that seems a little high.”

Lastic is angry at the situation. She added: “Hitler didn’t do this much damage! We need to stem the tide. I appeal to all Sheet residents to vote for independence; we can at least make sure that our corner of England remains forever green.”

The Green party candidate in the recent election polled three votes and a chocolate button.

Causeway Farm No Cause For Alarm

Artist’s impression of the Causeway Farm skyline

The people of Petersfield have been given their first glimpse of the proposed “low-impact” development to be built on the Causeway Farm site, south of the town centre.

Housing consultants Minimal Integrity were delighted to unveil the plans and hope that this artist’s impression will reassure anyone who may have had concerns over the build.

The developers believe the new plans will alleviate growing pressure on Petersfield’s social housing waiting list by optimising the number of dwellings that can be squeezed onto the site.

Ivor Bung, speaking on behalf of East Hampshire District Council, said: “In view of the fact that we were given such a small footprint to work with, we feel we have managed to maximise accommodation whilst blending seamlessly with the surrounding architecture and environment.”

Consultant Phil Fee-Rich, who represents developer Stack ‘Em High, said: “All the necessary back-handers and brown envelopes have changed hands and although we expect a little resistance from the folk who live on The Causeway, there is nothing that can stop this now.

“I can’t wait to see the first bulldozer trundle in and take out that stupid tree with the ladder leaning up against it.”