Your Sheet, and you know you are

 A Sheet resident gets twitchy

A ‘net curtain’ dividing line has been proposed – if the village of Sheet gets the go-ahead to split from its big brother neighbour Petersfield.

Leader of the SS (Separate Sheet), Baron Ludwig von Queenshead, said: “It’s quite simple – it will be like the old iron curtain across Europe…just more in keeping with the area.

“After all, there is no point in our quaint little village managing to extricate itself from the shadow of the urban sprawl of Petersfield if we don’t mark the dividing line in some way.”

The big debate will now take place as to where the ‘net curtain’ should fall.

“Obviously we don’t want the concrete jungle of the Herne Farm estate in Sheet – that goes without saying,” stressed von Queenshead.

“I don’t much care for Pulens Lane either – or any of the houses on the old A3, they’re quite obviously urban in nature.

“There are also rather too many terraced houses that don’t really lend themselves to the image we’d like to create for Sheet, so I think essentially we’re talking about the village green, the old oak tree, St Mary’s Church and, er, the Queens Head. We might also adopt a corridor along to the Harrow, even though technically it’s kind of on the Steep border, because it’s such a landmark.

“Admittedly, it’s going to have to be a fairly long ‘net curtain’ but I, for one, think it will be worth it to keep the Petersfield riff-raff at bay.”

A passing spokesman for the Herne Farm Residents’ Association said: “What?!? We’re not in Sheet any more?? In that case we must be in Harting – we’re a farm for heaven’s sake! We have to be in a village of some description.

“Right, I’m not giving this up without a fight. I’m off to form a new group called Farmers For Sheet. You wait until I get going – FFS will be the letters on everyone’s lips...”

Bus Pass Farce

Commuter belt alms houses

A pensioner in Steep has complained that her free bus pass has been rendered absolutely valueless because the bus service she used to use has been cancelled. 

"It's not worth the plastic it's printed on," said Anne Cestraloam. 

Cancellation of the 95 Countryliner service has meant that Cestraloam no longer has a bus picking her up from outside her 15th century almshouse. This puts her in the same position as about 98 per cent of elderly people who live in rural locations, except she lives in a historic listed building. 

"I think you're missing the point dear,” the increasingly angry old lady told our reporter. "You see I used to have it really easy with the bus picking me up and dropping me off only a few feet from the bottom of my beautiful garden. 

"It was a lovely big bus and there was always lots of room. In fact, if you time your journey right, I was often the only person on it."

We put it to Cestraloam that if it really was just her catching the bus, perhaps Hampshire County Council were actually justified in ceasing the service.

"Oh, it's not just me dear," Cestraloam insisted. “Mr Jenkins, Mr Trubshaw and Mrs Merryweather will also be at a complete loss without the service.”

We asked  Cestraloam whether these were here neighbours, and were they also completely dependent upon the bus, adding weight to her argument that there is indeed a need for the 95 service? 

"Neighbours, no dear, they all have cars. Jenkins is my butler, Trubshaw is the gardener and Mrs Merryweather is my cook, although to be honest I'm thinking of letting her go, her quiches are simply awful. Can you recommend any good cooks dear?” 

A spokesman for Hampshire County Council claimed the bus route had been cancelled as part of the village’s ongoing drive for independence.

He said: “We keep hearing that Sheet wants independence from Petersfield and this was all planned as part of a move towards that goal. Steep? Is that not the same place? Oh bugger it!”

Going private

  

A Hampshire nurse yesterday.

Please note this nurse is not actually stationed in Havant

An ambulance driver is looking to track down a man who caught her eye while responding to an emergency call in Sheet over the weekend.

The ambulance driver, Dee Fibrilator from Leigh Park, was impressed by the man who offered to move his shiny, new, and very expensive, Range Rover for her on Saturday.

Nurse Fibrilator told Newswire: "Look, I know it's a family car and the chap is almost certainly married, but he must be absolutely minted, and I just wondered if he fancied a shag.

"There's plenty of room in the back of the ambulance, and whenever I'm in the area I'll be wearing my uniform so hopefully he'll be in touch.

“As you can imagine the NHS pay is crap, and to make ends meet I like to go private whenever I can.”

  

One of Nurse Fibrilator's Havant colleagues

who was more than happy to pose 

  

If you are the owner of the Range Rover (or Nurse Fibrilator has asked us to make clear, any expensive car) and you want some emergency ‘private’ treatment, contact Nurse Fibrilator on 999.

Sheet villagers enraptured

 

It’s a sign

East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) has been left in financial dire straits after the world failed to end on May 21.

In an effort to appease the village-folk of Sheet, EHDC agreed to impose a range of expensive traffic measures in the village, and they did this on the understanding that they would never actually have to foot the bill.

Changes were put in place which, it is claimed, will stop the northern part of Sheet village being used by motorists who are "just passing through".

Vehicles travelling south along London Road from Rake towards Petersfield cannot now turn right down Village Lane and additional road blocks have been set up in Farnham Road, Inmans Lane and Town Lane. A guard tower has also been erected beside the old chestnut tree to enforce the changes.

Most of the expense has been incurred, however, across London Road in southern Sheet where Pulens Lane has been reinforced and resurfaced.

The once quiet lane that runs north beside historic Sheet Mill will be applying for Motorway status. This will in turn pave the way for a service station to be opened up on the Heath, an idea put forward by The Big School who, since school improvements, now have an on-site oil refinery.

Petersfield Town Council's spokesperson for roads, Emma Huan, told Newswire: "We obviously thought it would never actually happen, what with the world ending and everything.

"Now ‘Rapturing’, as I understand it is known, has failed to take place, we are left with a ruddy great roadworks bill. On the up-side we can push through with the service station idea to try to recoup some dosh."

Petersfield's roadworks mystery is solved

The mysterious case of Petersfield’s disappearing roadworks has been solved.

At the beginning of the month, residents of Pulens Lane and nearby roads braced themselves for chaos after signs went up advising that the road would be closed for a week’s repair works.

Yet the daunting prospect of having to drive their 4x4s an extra half-a-mile to circumnavigate the roadworks never materialised as the road was never closed and the signs mysteriously disappeared after a week’s inactivity.

Rumours of alien abduction swept across the bar at the Drum public house as a man who had once staggered down Pulens Lane claimed he’d seen the roadworks collected up and put on to the back of a spaceship with flashing lights by little luminous green and yellow creatures.

More prosaically, it turns out the council simply exhausted its budget.

A spokesman for the council explained: “March is the time of year when we schedule dozens of superfluous road repairs simply because we have to use up all of our budget – or it gets cut the following year.

“This year we scheduled Pulens Lane for action but the cost of preparing those yellow signs with the flip-over numbers has gone up and once we’d manufactured and installed the signs there was no budget left to actually dig up the road. We had barely enough for the workmen to brew up before they took the signs down again.

“We had some spray cans of white paint left over, so we went round and marked up a few potholes but don’t actually expect to do anything with them until at least 2013/14.”

Garstang Leaf-Blower, a resident of Pulens Lane, said: “I had heard this rumour from a reporter with the Petersfield Newswire, but bizarrely this may actually be true. I think it’s also important to realise that Pulens Lane is actually in the parish of Sheet, not Petersfield. The two don’t mix really.”

The council spokesman confirmed more non-existent roadworks are planned for June, August and September. No delays are expected until October.

Sheet spreading

From town to city in ten years

The inhabitants of Sheet village are planning independence as a way of ensuring their village is not surrounded by newly built, affordable housing.

Petersfield’s town planners and big-wig decision makers have already sold out to developers who will soon start work on the Causeway Farm site south east of the market town.

Even before the first digger has thundered in, the next site is up for consideration, south west of Petersfield on the area immediately south of Larcombe Road.

A secret document has found its way into the hands of Lucy Lastic, spokesperson for the Sheet Village Association, which sets out, with crystal clarity, the future expansion plans for the town of Petersfield.

Lastic said: “You can see from this plan the devastation that is set to be unleashed on our town. It is madness and must be stopped.”

The plans do show that within the next 10 years, Petersfield could have trebled in size and no longer be the quaint and idyllic town it is today.

A source at Petersfield Town Council, who asked not to be named, told us: “It is bad, but this is all overspill from Havant. When I say Havant, I mean Havant, Leigh Park, Rowlands Castle, Horndean, Cowplain and Waterlooville.

“This part of the county has been set targets for new housing, and these new-build projects were intended to be shared across the region, but people do not want to live in these areas. What is the point of building homes in areas where people will refuse to live?”

Our informant refuted the suggestion there was more money to be made by the developers by building in Petersfield.

“I understand what you are saying, and it is true that the overheads are the same to build homes here rather than say Rowlands Castle, Leigh Park, or any of those no-go zones just south of the South Downs National Park. I don’t necessarily agree that the homes when completed would have four times the value; that seems a little high.”

Lastic is angry at the situation. She added: “Hitler didn’t do this much damage! We need to stem the tide. I appeal to all Sheet residents to vote for independence; we can at least make sure that our corner of England remains forever green.”

The Green party candidate in the recent election polled three votes and a chocolate button.

You're Sheet - and you know you are

The Sheet Village Association is looking to set up a new twinning arrangement with the Bermuda Triangle after the mysterious overnight disappearance of a large quantity of heavy plant and machinery from the Rams Hill area.

On Tuesday evening drivers on the A272 roundabout noted the presence of a considerable number of vehicles, heavy plant and diversion signs.

But the next morning there was no sign of anything actually having been done – no fresh tarmac, no holes in the road, nothing. Zilch.

Now, the leader of the Sheet Village Association, Noel “Sheet” Sherlock, is to use the apparent presence of supernatural forces to engage in a twinning partnership with the infamous Bermuda Triangle, an area of the North Atlantic Ocean in which a number of aircraft and ships have mysteriously disappeared.

He said: “I’m always looking for ways to get cheap publicity and this seems as good as any. I have been accused of trying to jump on the ‘bandwagon’ and while that was my initial intention, by the time I got there the bandwagon had simply vanished!”

But not everybody is in favour of using the mysterious event as a means of obtaining free foreign travel to exotic climes.

One resident who contacted Petersfield Newswire, David Podger, said: “Either it was all a dream or roadwork activity is being used to disguise attempts to enter into contact with alien life forms.”

Another nearby resident, the renowned madman Professor Pat Pending, added: “There was a huge amount of activity Tuesday evening but absolutely no trace of anything the following morning. I even went out with my metal detector and my giga counter because I was so concerned about what was happening.

“The giga counter found serious traces of a material I like to call ‘giga’ while the metal detector found 75 pence, an earring and a ninth century belt buckle belonging to a Viking called Bo – he even had his postcode inscribed on the back, although it only became apparent under ultra-violet light.

“There was nobody around except a pretty Welsh woman and a camp American in an RAF greatcoat called Captain Jack, who was driving a large black Range Rover with tinted windows. I’m sure I’d seen them somewhere before.”

Albert Albert RN retd, who lives in Alternate Reality Way, off Rams Hill, said: “It was just like D-Day. All these vehicles queuing up on Rams Hill; people in uniform running around; American servicemen handing out chewing gum to children; blokes in white vans fitting satellite dishes; Mussolini hanging from the lamppost; kids being picked up by adults and passed down to the front so they could see; and nobody locked their doors in those days – they didn’t need to; we had nuffink to nick.

“The next morning they were all gawn. Just like the day after D-Day. I remember that was called E-Day. It was very much the same as D-Day only we invaded over the internet…”

Albert Albert RN retd is 108.