Wacky boy racers

Surrey and Hampshire Constabularies have combined forces in the hunt for a number of speeding drivers who have been filmed racing through the Hindhead tunnel.

 Richard Dastardly?

D.I. M Lylit told Newswire: "These wacky criminals, because that's what they are, are terrorising the inhabitants of Hindhead and other commuters using the roads.

"They seem to regard the new tunnel as something of a challenge, flouting the law and then posting video evidence of their escapade on You Tube.

"We have been provided with good pictures of the vehicles and are sure that with a little bit of help from your readers we will be able to apprehend these miscreants.

“The public have already helped by suggesting a few names. We would like to talk to a Mr Dastardly, a gang called the Ant Hill Mob, a Miss Pitstop and a Mr Perfect.

 Peter Perfect?

"The drivers are fools unto themselves, with images this clear being made available to us, we are certain that we will be making arrests before too long.”

If you have any information that you think might be of use to Hampshire's and Surrey's finest, especially if you know the whereabouts of any of these drivers, please contact Newswire.

Your Sheet, and you know you are

 A Sheet resident gets twitchy

A ‘net curtain’ dividing line has been proposed – if the village of Sheet gets the go-ahead to split from its big brother neighbour Petersfield.

Leader of the SS (Separate Sheet), Baron Ludwig von Queenshead, said: “It’s quite simple – it will be like the old iron curtain across Europe…just more in keeping with the area.

“After all, there is no point in our quaint little village managing to extricate itself from the shadow of the urban sprawl of Petersfield if we don’t mark the dividing line in some way.”

The big debate will now take place as to where the ‘net curtain’ should fall.

“Obviously we don’t want the concrete jungle of the Herne Farm estate in Sheet – that goes without saying,” stressed von Queenshead.

“I don’t much care for Pulens Lane either – or any of the houses on the old A3, they’re quite obviously urban in nature.

“There are also rather too many terraced houses that don’t really lend themselves to the image we’d like to create for Sheet, so I think essentially we’re talking about the village green, the old oak tree, St Mary’s Church and, er, the Queens Head. We might also adopt a corridor along to the Harrow, even though technically it’s kind of on the Steep border, because it’s such a landmark.

“Admittedly, it’s going to have to be a fairly long ‘net curtain’ but I, for one, think it will be worth it to keep the Petersfield riff-raff at bay.”

A passing spokesman for the Herne Farm Residents’ Association said: “What?!? We’re not in Sheet any more?? In that case we must be in Harting – we’re a farm for heaven’s sake! We have to be in a village of some description.

“Right, I’m not giving this up without a fight. I’m off to form a new group called Farmers For Sheet. You wait until I get going – FFS will be the letters on everyone’s lips...”

The burning issue

Incredible shopping opportunities ahead

The newly opened Hindhead Tunnel, just north of Petersfield on the A3 was forced to close last week when there was a problem with the overhead signs.

The electrical fault resulted in both northbound carriages being closed for 40 minutes while technicians wrestled with the embarrassing technical hitch.

A series of signs, designed to remind motorists where they are heading, should read “The Grim North” but for some reason displayed the words “London Riots”.

Di Ode, a spokesman for Sparks R Us, the electricians who have won the contract to provide maintenance for the tunnel told press: “This is all very embarrassing and the error was corrected as soon as possible.

“That said, the signs weren’t actually inaccurate, so I don’t know what all the fuss was about.”

Tunnel vision for contractors

Heading north, on yer bike son 

 
The grand opening of the Hindhead tunnel, long awaited to ease congestion on the A3 between Petersfield and Guildford, is to be delayed.

Work has progressed ahead of schedule and until recently it was thought the tunnel might actually open as early as July 6, 2011, a full month ahead of the original target date.

The main fabric of the tunnel was actually finished months ago and it has been a series of health and safety checks and tweaks that have delayed its use.

The Health and Safety executive and the Highways Agency have insisted that a number of “enhancements” be made before the public are permitted to use the tunnel.

The enforced changes have meant that cables had to be fitted for lights, warning lights, emergency warning lights, signals, signal lights, emergency power systems, heating system, de-icing systems, communications systems, reserve communications systems, operating cameras, security cameras and a coffee machine at the half-way point.

Piping has also had to be fitted for air ducts, smoke ducts, reserve air ducts, sprinkler systems, back-up sprinkler systems and badgers (a compromise deal with Badgerwatch UK ).

The list ran to 754 additional requirements and the additional gadgetry has been housed in thick stainless steel tubes to protect it should there be a crash, fire, flood, earthquake or other disaster.

Dave Reckonin, in charge of the project, said: “We have satisfied all of the additional safety requirements, the additional equipment has been tested and is functioning correctly. Unfortunately the additional piping has reduced the width and headroom in both the northbound and southbound tunnels. The net result is that when the tunnel opens, sometime later this month, only cyclists and motorcyclists will be able to use it.

“Cars and lorries will be diverted through Bordon.”

Sounding Off

Infinity and beyond… well, Leigh Park any way

Councillor Mona Lott, speaking on behalf of the Clanfield, Horndean and Vicinity Society (CHAVS), has written to the Highways Agency complaining about the increased noise levels on the A3.

Lott, clearly ill-informed, told us that much of the traffic that currently uses the A3 breaks the sound barrier, causing constant disruption to residents of Clanfield, Horndean and Rowlands Castle (north Leigh Park).

“We never used to have to put up with this much noise,” insisted Cllr Lott. “And can you imagine how bad it will be once the Devil’s Punchbowl Slingshot Tunnel is opened next year. Some of these vehicles will really be able to get up a head of steam as they come down this long straight stretch.

"It'll be like the Hardon Collider."

We pointed out to Cllr Lott that while the speed of sound is variable, largely dependent upon temperature and atmospheric composition, in the Leigh Park region, this is likely to be around 760mph. The current speed limit is considerably less at 70mph.

Cllr Lott wouldn’t be deterred and added: “That’s what you say, but we can all hear the traffic boom booming all through the day and night. There are no speed cameras, no speed bumps and the state of the road doesn’t help.

“They need to resolve the matter, adjust the sound barrier or improve the road surface or something. We cannot go on like this.”

The matter is now in the hands of the Highways Agency, who will we are sure, deal with the matter very sensitively.

Cllr Lott also said something about flooded roads, and how the water runs downhill and causes puddles at the bottom. At this point the rest of the society had retired for the evening and the councillor was left banging the table.

All downhill from here

How Petersfield's Leigh Park-inspired Olympic flame would look

Petersfield Town Council (PTC) has made a surprise bid to stage the 2018 Winter Olympics.

I C Roads speaking on behalf of PTC said: "We have been monitoring the situation in Vancouver very closely and think we are up to hosting the event in 2018.

"This may sound a bit pie in the sky, but Vancouver had some bad snow like us, theirs has all melted, so they are having to get fresh snow shipped in or manufactured by snow machines.

"The Canadian event has been plagued by parking, transport, and hospitality problems and we think we can at least match what they have achieved.

"I see most events being held on Butser Hill or Harting Down, with some of the other sliding nonsense taking part on some of the downhill stretches of the A3, which at this time of year won't be gritted.

"To add a contemporary feel we can call upon our neighbours in Leigh Park to provide the eternal flame, they can keep those cars alight for weeks so this would hardly be a challenge."

Wet November caused by tears

The unrelenting wetness which has plagued the Petersfield area in recent days is understood to be the result of mass crying, Petersfield Newswire can exclusively reveal.

An Isuzu truck full of milk skidaddled off the Southbound carriageway of the A3 near the Midhurst turn last week, prompting acute outbursts of crying across the GU32 postal district.

Residents in Steep Marsh, Stroud and the roads off Pulens Lane where they like to pretend they’re in Sheet, all reported weeping incidents.

Amateur tearologist Dr Daventry McAllister said: “It only takes a couple of hundred people locked into synchronised blubbing and you’ve got the makings of a proper flood. Just look at the swollen Rother. That’s all tears, that is.”

Officers at the A3 crash scene initially struggled to work out what had happened. It was only later when they gave up hope of trying altogether. By 5pm they were back at the station sobbing into their tea, made with milk they nicked from the crashed van.

It’s officially the wettest November in living memory, especially for small children and those with poor memories.

POSTSCRIPT: Following this discovery, the Environment Agency has issued flood warnings for Liverpool and other areas of Merseyside, where collective outpourings of grief are commonplace and, largely, unnecessary.

*Our thanks to Cyrano, one of Newswire's latest fans, for this contribution.

Jam today – even during recession

The roadsigns have already been prepared by Matt Tress

A deranged shopkeeper has called for Petersfield's A3 by-pass to be closed in a bid to boost town-centre trade.

"The more traffic we can generate past my shop the better - don't you realise there's a recession on?" ranted jeweller and haberdasher Matt Tress.

"If we closed the bypass and direct the London-bound traffic down the Causeway, we could then block the road between the Folly and the Red Lion and direct the whole lot up the High Street - it's simple.

"The traffic would probably grind to a halt and, once they're sitting bored in the jam, the drivers - and their passengers - are very likely to get out and buy things. As far as I can see, it's foolproof. The town will be humming again ... mostly to the sound of idling engines admittedly, but then there's a price to pay for everything."

A spokesman for the town pedestrianisation campaign, Patty O' Slab, the owner of Petersfield Paving Company, said: "Good grief!"

However, the bypass closure plan has already been partially backed by the British National Party (BNP).

Its representative Miss T Eyed said: "We're all for anything that brings in business for local home-grown traders - but we would prefer it if 'non-indiginous' cars were offered a voluntary repatriation route back on to the bypass."