Wet November caused by tears

The unrelenting wetness which has plagued the Petersfield area in recent days is understood to be the result of mass crying, Petersfield Newswire can exclusively reveal.

An Isuzu truck full of milk skidaddled off the Southbound carriageway of the A3 near the Midhurst turn last week, prompting acute outbursts of crying across the GU32 postal district.

Residents in Steep Marsh, Stroud and the roads off Pulens Lane where they like to pretend they’re in Sheet, all reported weeping incidents.

Amateur tearologist Dr Daventry McAllister said: “It only takes a couple of hundred people locked into synchronised blubbing and you’ve got the makings of a proper flood. Just look at the swollen Rother. That’s all tears, that is.”

Officers at the A3 crash scene initially struggled to work out what had happened. It was only later when they gave up hope of trying altogether. By 5pm they were back at the station sobbing into their tea, made with milk they nicked from the crashed van.

It’s officially the wettest November in living memory, especially for small children and those with poor memories.

POSTSCRIPT: Following this discovery, the Environment Agency has issued flood warnings for Liverpool and other areas of Merseyside, where collective outpourings of grief are commonplace and, largely, unnecessary.

*Our thanks to Cyrano, one of Newswire's latest fans, for this contribution.

Flood terror hits Petersfield

The scenes of carnage this morning at

Monks Vineyard - contributed picture

The emergency services and local coastguard were mobilised early this morning when a Petersfield woman became concerned at the presence of rising flood-water.

Gwendolyn Ponsonby-Landowner, who lives in Monks Vineyard, said: “I was woken in the night by the tremendous noise generated by the torrential downpour on the lead roofs of the staff cottages.

“I was so concerned an hour later that I woke our chauffeur and sent him out into the garden to see how bad it had got. Shockingly, he reported that the rain had come down so heavily and so quickly that the standing water was rising above the level of our decking.

“After a quick consultation with our insurance broker we were advised to contact the emergency services as we have some very expensive patio furniture and some rare orchids on the decking.

“Fortunately these were airlifted to my husband’s Chelsea flat at the cost of only several thousands of pounds of taxpayers’ money. What might have happened if we hadn’t reacted so swiftly doesn’t bear thinking about.

“We’ve already had to cancel a Conservative Party fundraiser we had planned in a marquee this weekend. I’m not sure people in other parts of the country realise how bad it could have been.”

A spokesman for Hampshire Air Ambulance said: “For Christ’s sake…”