24/7 Surveillance

RoboWarden hits the streets of Petersfield

David Cameron’s idea of employing a SuperCop for London has resulted in Petersfield getting its own RoboWarden.

Colin Allcars, speaking on behalf of Petersfield Town Council, said: “Like London, the situation in Petersfield is out of control; except we don’t have rioters, we have mindless parking violators.

“People think they can simply park anywhere, and up ‘til now, who would stop them. This is where Petersfield’s similarity with London ends, in the capital the police were at times powerless; down here they simply couldn’t be arsed.

“But now we have RoboWarden. Things are definitely going to change around here.”

We asked Allcars how much it was going to cost Petersfield’s townsfolk to employ the 6’ 4” tungsten enforcer.

“Only $12,000 a month, that’s around £7,500 and our conservative estimate of what he will bring in per day is around £3,000, and that’s before you take into account car sales.

“We have increased our fines and failure to pay on the spot will result in vaporisation, with the car, if a wreck, being crushed immediately. In cases where the car has some value, it will be sold on to increase profits.

“Congestion in the town will soon be a thing of the past. 

We also understand RoboWarden will be making an appearance at the town’s Summer Festival, where thugs and disgruntled drivers will be able to throw apples, gathered  from the tree outside the library, at the tungsten ticketer for only £5 a go. Long queues are anticipated.

The burning issue

Incredible shopping opportunities ahead

The newly opened Hindhead Tunnel, just north of Petersfield on the A3 was forced to close last week when there was a problem with the overhead signs.

The electrical fault resulted in both northbound carriages being closed for 40 minutes while technicians wrestled with the embarrassing technical hitch.

A series of signs, designed to remind motorists where they are heading, should read “The Grim North” but for some reason displayed the words “London Riots”.

Di Ode, a spokesman for Sparks R Us, the electricians who have won the contract to provide maintenance for the tunnel told press: “This is all very embarrassing and the error was corrected as soon as possible.

“That said, the signs weren’t actually inaccurate, so I don’t know what all the fuss was about.”

Hants police assisting with Tooting looting

We counted them in...

Shock was palpable in Petersfield as it was announced that Hampshire police had been redeployed to London to help tackle the widespread rioting and looting.

The shock was less to do with the redeployment but mainly because the Petersfield public didn't realise Hampshire still had a police force.

PC Hans Cuffed, speaking on behalf of the relocating officers, said: "We couldn’t wait.

"There's been some talk about us being keen to help our colleagues in the Met, but that's just paper talk, it's all bollocks.

"The truth of the matter is we wanted a piece of the action, what's the alternative, strolling around country lanes looking for lost cats? Nah, this is real policing."

PC Cuffed said he wasn’t nervous about the dangers that might lie ahead.

...and we counted them out

"Dangers?" he said quizzically, "We aren’t on the front line. We follow up behind the Met and are tasked with 'securing' looted stores.

"Hopefully this might include the likes of Hackett, Paul Smith and a couple of good quality electrical stores. Last night we ‘secured’ a Burberry in Tooting.

"And all on double time ... marvellous."

Town pays for lack of JD Sports outlet

 

 A warm summer's evening in Manchester

Petersfield hoodies have been branded “amateurs” and “apathetic” after absolutely NO rioting occurred in the town.

While the rest of the country burned, teenagers as far afield as Steep Marsh and Langrish could only hang their heads in shame at the lack of destruction on offer in the vicinity.

A milk bottle was knocked over in Durford Road on Monday night and on Tuesday morning a resident of Monks Orchard discovered a scratch on his Bentley – although he later admitted it may have occurred while he was driving past the rose bush on his drive.

“I feel sadly let down,” moaned community youth leader Dudley Doright. “Our young people can usually be relied upon to show their mettle – but they’ve really messed up this time.

“Surely they must be furious at Petersfield Youth Theatre only getting £60,000 in that TV vote…and there was that change to the opening hours of the Taro swimming pool.

“Perhaps they’re so beaten down by poverty and lack of opportunity they can’t even bring themselves to smash a few shop windows. It just shows what a bunch of apathetic amateurs they have become."

Other residents were left wondering whether it was the lack of a JD Sports outlet, or the overwhelming presence of two Police Community Support Officers that have kept a lid on protest in Petersfield.

But one passer-by summed up: “I think most of the town’s teenagers are on a geography field trip, or possibly spending time in their parents’ Tuscan villa.”

Riots hit Petersfield

Breaking news: Rioting spread to Petersfield this afternoon on the Tilmore Road allotment where gloved men were seen burning leaves and turning over soil.

And in a nearby arts and crafts centre several people who should know better were seen to be throwing pots…

And in related news:

Middle-classes to take looting lessons