Ooh la la

Thieves operate in this area

Frank O’Fyle and 20 other local residents have returned to Petersfield after spending three days in Barentin, the town’s French twin.

Petersfield has made much of the Anglo-French relationship, going as far as naming a road in a new housing estate after the French resort.

O’Fyle said: “During our stay we were taken to Caen, Rouen and had dinner on the banks of the Seine. All very nice but we were taken to these places because there is absolutely nothing to do in Barentin.

“I really don’t know why we agreed to be twinned with such a banal place.”

This is all a far cry from the original hype when the twinning was arranged some years ago.

Petersfield is also twinned with Warendorf in Germany and we asked O’Fyle if a similar trip was likely to be arranged to Germany.

“Not by me” O’Fyle grunted. “I understand Herr Lipp might try to get a group together but I’m afraid this experience has put many of us off. Well I ask you, have you ever heard of either Barentin or Warendorf?”

O’Fyle seemed saddened by Petersfield’s choice of sister towns, adding: “This is a wasted opportunity. Leigh Park has the right idea; it is twinned with Pattaya, in Thailand, jokingly referred to as Sodom and Gomorrah-on-sea. Pattaya you understand, not Leigh Park – they clearly don’t border the sea.

“Any way, a group of 75 travelled out last year, eight came back with brides and the rest had fixed grins on their faces for weeks. There’s a lot to be said for a Siamese twin.”

You're Sheet - and you know you are

The Sheet Village Association is looking to set up a new twinning arrangement with the Bermuda Triangle after the mysterious overnight disappearance of a large quantity of heavy plant and machinery from the Rams Hill area.

On Tuesday evening drivers on the A272 roundabout noted the presence of a considerable number of vehicles, heavy plant and diversion signs.

But the next morning there was no sign of anything actually having been done – no fresh tarmac, no holes in the road, nothing. Zilch.

Now, the leader of the Sheet Village Association, Noel “Sheet” Sherlock, is to use the apparent presence of supernatural forces to engage in a twinning partnership with the infamous Bermuda Triangle, an area of the North Atlantic Ocean in which a number of aircraft and ships have mysteriously disappeared.

He said: “I’m always looking for ways to get cheap publicity and this seems as good as any. I have been accused of trying to jump on the ‘bandwagon’ and while that was my initial intention, by the time I got there the bandwagon had simply vanished!”

But not everybody is in favour of using the mysterious event as a means of obtaining free foreign travel to exotic climes.

One resident who contacted Petersfield Newswire, David Podger, said: “Either it was all a dream or roadwork activity is being used to disguise attempts to enter into contact with alien life forms.”

Another nearby resident, the renowned madman Professor Pat Pending, added: “There was a huge amount of activity Tuesday evening but absolutely no trace of anything the following morning. I even went out with my metal detector and my giga counter because I was so concerned about what was happening.

“The giga counter found serious traces of a material I like to call ‘giga’ while the metal detector found 75 pence, an earring and a ninth century belt buckle belonging to a Viking called Bo – he even had his postcode inscribed on the back, although it only became apparent under ultra-violet light.

“There was nobody around except a pretty Welsh woman and a camp American in an RAF greatcoat called Captain Jack, who was driving a large black Range Rover with tinted windows. I’m sure I’d seen them somewhere before.”

Albert Albert RN retd, who lives in Alternate Reality Way, off Rams Hill, said: “It was just like D-Day. All these vehicles queuing up on Rams Hill; people in uniform running around; American servicemen handing out chewing gum to children; blokes in white vans fitting satellite dishes; Mussolini hanging from the lamppost; kids being picked up by adults and passed down to the front so they could see; and nobody locked their doors in those days – they didn’t need to; we had nuffink to nick.

“The next morning they were all gawn. Just like the day after D-Day. I remember that was called E-Day. It was very much the same as D-Day only we invaded over the internet…”

Albert Albert RN retd is 108.