Greater Leigh Park a flaming nuisance?

 Catch me if you can

Petersfield residents have received assurances that despite problems with illegally parked cars, that continue to remain unchecked by Petersfield Town Council, the Olympic torch will make its way through the town next year.

News for people living between Petersfield and Portsmouth was, however, far less positive.

The torch is set to be carried from Portsmouth to Brighton on July 16, 2012, day 59 of the mammoth relay.

The start of the journey is set to see the torch carried from Portsmouth straight to Petersfield without visiting Leigh Park, Havant, Rowlands Castle, Waterlooville, Horndean or Clanfield despite the fact that it will be coming within yards of each of them.

Immediately after gracing Petersfield the torch will visit settlements as small as Rogate, Midhurst, Easebourne, Tillington, Petworth and Duncton.

Lord Coe has been approached by Chantell Fewdont a representative from Havant, Rowlands Castle, Waterlooville etc. or as it known Greater Leigh Park, pleading that he change his mind and slightly alter the route of the torch to take in some more of these built-up areas.

Lord Coe was unequivocal in his response: “Not a chance” he said.

“We did give this matter serious consideration, and one of our major goals in planning the route was to reach out and meet as many of the population as possible, where possible in deprived areas, but this would be a risk we are simply not willing to take.

“You need to realise that much of this journey will be broadcast across the world and if anything were to go wrong, well it doesn’t bear thinking about.

“My advisers tell me that ‘torch’ has its own meaning in Greater Leigh Park, and the last thing we want is for a wanton trail of destruction to follow the runner, because the locals think it appropriate.

“In addition, this torch is golden in colour. It’s not real gold, but I have been warned that the locals will almost certainly not realise that and that a runner carrying gold would be like a scene from the pied piper of Hamelin.

“No we will not be diverted; Greater Leigh Park is a flaming nuisance.”

Kyle be damned

A Havant resident causes havoc in Portsmouth’s Guildhall Square
when he gets hold of the remote

Petersfield town's residents' hopes of being able to watch the 2012 Olympics on a big screen look set to be dashed.

It had been hoped that the people of Petersfield would be able to enjoy the Olympics next year together, and in something of a carnival atmosphere, but this is now looking unlikely to happen.

In a recent meeting between East Hampshire District Council (EHDC) and Havant Borough Council (HBC) the possibility of sharing use of a large screen was discussed.

With the weekly cost of hiring a big screen in excess of £6000, sharing looked to be the only affordable option; but the problems of sharing a screen with Havant look insurmountable.

Jim Nastics, from EHDC, said: "The problem is that some of the main events such as the men’s 100 metres final and the opening ceremony clash with things they would want to watch in Havant, in these two specific cases... Jeremy Kyle.

 Leigh Park’s Duane Jenkins would love to have made it onto the big screen

“We have tried to come to some sort of compromise, but May Karfist, the chairman of HBC was quite insistent that Havant folk would definitely want to see their relatives or friends, should they feature in a show.

“My lot would not be happy if we paid out for a big screen only to miss a guest appearance by one of our more colourful characters. I’d ‘ave me windows put through or me Subaru torched.”

Out of Focus

The shelves haven't even been cleared and the

Coffee Warehouse people are in
 

Petersfield is set to have the UK ’s largest coffee shop following the demise of the DIY chain Focus.

The Focus store, in Station Road , is set to be bought by a consortium of coffee growers and transformed into Coffee Warehouse – a venue for buying coffee beans and enjoying a fresh brew.

Ken Cogold, the chairman of Coffee Warehouse, said: “The sad demise of Focus has proved an unmissable opportunity for us. It’s clear there is a huge demand for coffee shops in Petersfield – and that demand is not being met.

“We anticipate giving over half the available floor space to coffee bean storage and the other half to a coffee shop. It’s sort of a wholesale Whittard’s … and we’ll piss all over them.

“There is a small outside area where our customers can drink al fresco and we will be the only coffee shop in town with dedicated parking facilities. What’s more, our close proximity to the town’s railway station means we will expect a lot of commuter traffic early on, so we will open at 6am and remain open until 10pm during the summer months.

“The future of Petersfield is in coffee – that much is clear. And if it doesn’t work out, we’ll turn over the storage area into a charity shop.”

He added: “If anybody wants to buy a screwdriver they can head down to B&Q at Havant where they will find other working-class people.”

Horndean not to go it alone

An artist's impression of how the new city might look 

Parish Councillors in Horndean have voted against a move which may have ultimately led to Horndean being given 'Town' status.

Councillor Noel Brainer speaking on behalf of the council told Newswire: "The whole thing would simply be a waste of money and, in any event, we don't believe it would delay the inevitable..."

Cllr Brainer refers to the widely held belief that Bedhampton, Havant, Denvilles, Leigh Park, Rowlands Castle, Waterlooville, Cowplain, Wecock Farm and Horndean are destined to be merged to form a city.

On the east of the A3M, Bedhampton, Havant, Denvilles, Leigh Park and Rowlands Castle already blur into one large estate referred to by planners as Greater Leigh Park. Whilst west of the A3M Waterlooville, Wecock Farm, Cowplain and Horndean also form a similar conglomeration.

A spokesperson for Hampshire Planning Authority, who asked not to be named but was more than happy to accept another drink, told Newswire: "The merger and elevation to city status is certainly on the cards.

"Cities normally evolve high levels of crime, drug use, enclaves of benefit claimants and facilities that are falling into disrepair.

"Leigh Park City or Benefitsville, we have yet to decide on a final name, will already have all this in spades. 

"One also has to be able to look forward and see how the new city will be able to sustain itself, and and for this we look to the northeast corner where, in the Rowlands Castle suburb, the city can make its fortune in oil."

All of the constituent regions were left outside the boundary of the recently accredited area of untouchable natural beauty; the South Downs National Park (SDNP).

This has heaped pressure on these areas for development. On the up-side there would be less red tape when it comes to setting up the oil drilling station and refinery upon which the city may well depend.

Going private

  

A Hampshire nurse yesterday.

Please note this nurse is not actually stationed in Havant

An ambulance driver is looking to track down a man who caught her eye while responding to an emergency call in Sheet over the weekend.

The ambulance driver, Dee Fibrilator from Leigh Park, was impressed by the man who offered to move his shiny, new, and very expensive, Range Rover for her on Saturday.

Nurse Fibrilator told Newswire: "Look, I know it's a family car and the chap is almost certainly married, but he must be absolutely minted, and I just wondered if he fancied a shag.

"There's plenty of room in the back of the ambulance, and whenever I'm in the area I'll be wearing my uniform so hopefully he'll be in touch.

“As you can imagine the NHS pay is crap, and to make ends meet I like to go private whenever I can.”

  

One of Nurse Fibrilator's Havant colleagues

who was more than happy to pose 

  

If you are the owner of the Range Rover (or Nurse Fibrilator has asked us to make clear, any expensive car) and you want some emergency ‘private’ treatment, contact Nurse Fibrilator on 999.

Petersfield residents now have tunnel vision

After months of digging, workers have finally surfaced at the northern end of the East Havantshire Money Tunnel, see picture above.

The new 14-mile funds pipe is the first joint infrastructure from the merged councils of East Hampshire and Havant, as reported last year by Petersfield Newswire.

The tunnel is designed to suck wealth, funding and investment from the Petersfield area and channel it to Havant, fulfilling a central pledge of the new council's leadership.

Council spokesman Owen Fortunes explained: "With its Northern Portal located immediately outside Barclays, this is a convenient way for people in Petersfield to send their money to Havant without ever having to go there.

"We are confident that local taxpayers will appreciate the way we've spent their money building something that will take even more of their money away."

All money is supposed to spill out at the southern end of the tunnel in Havant town centre, although a man called Keith is understood to have intercepted it under his house in Leigh Park.

2011 Senseless

The deadline for completion of the 2011 Senseless is drawing near, or has it passed, it's difficult to know.

The townsfolk of Petersfield have been far better than the national average at completing and returning the form; either on-line, or by post. However, householders in surrounding towns and villages have been less efficient.

The thought of supplying personal details has worried many, so Newswire has supplied a small sample of the official form, applicable to people in the Petersfield area, so our readers can see there is nothing to be concerned about:

1  Where do you live?

a) Petersfield or a nearby village

b) Elsewhere in the South Downs National Park (SDNP)

c) I’m too embarrassed to say

2  Where were you on the night of Sunday, March 27th?

a) At my home

b) At a friend’s house or swingers’ party

c) I visited several properties, got chased out of a couple

      and returned home in the early hours to Leigh Park*

3  What is your marital status?

a) Married

b) With a permanent partner

c) Single, although I like to think I’m loved as I have a

       pet dog/cat

c) ‘Ave you seen the state of me?

4  How many people normally reside at your home?

a) 1-4

b) 5-8

c) I only count them up when I need to review my

       family benefit

5  How would you describe your sexuality?

a) Straight

b) Homosexual

c) Whatever I can get my hands on

d) Are goats illegal?

6  Have you ever suffered from any Sexually Transmitted Diseases?

a) Never

b) When you say suffer, does bad itching count?

c) I live in Bordon, so it’s in the water

d) Regarding question 5, it is my own goat, although I do share it 

7  Have you ever worked out your porn name using your first pet and

    mother’s maiden name method?

a) What’s a porn name?

b) Yes

c) My mother isn’t sure who my father is and that is the name she gave me

8  Did you vote at the last election?

a) Of course, I exercised my democratic right

b) I couldn’t be arsed

c) No, so I tell people I got locked out at the last minute

d) Can you really catch an STD from tap water?

9  Katie or Zara?

a) Katie

b) Zara

c) Is it so very wrong to say The Duchess of York?

                           (Skip to question 13)

10  Designer stubble or clean shaven?

a) Designer stubble

b) Clean shaven

c) Ann Widdecombe

d) Clarissa Dickson Wright (Skip to question 12)

e) We are talking chin here aren’t we?

11  Slim or curvaceous? (After answering this question move on to
question 13)

a) Victoria Beckham

b) Nigella Lawson

c) Dawn French

d) How far can we take this?

12  Slim or not-so-slim?

a) Peter Crouch

b) David Beckham

c) Wayne Rooney

d) Does it really have to be a footballer and even if it does

        why does it have to be Rooney?

13  Come the revolution, who would be first for the firing squad?  (Choose 4)

a) Gok Wan

b) Simon Cowell

c) Katie (Jordan) Price

d) Ronaldo

e) Please note Jeremy Kyle has been

        pre-selected on your behalf 

14  Where do you prefer to have an evening meal?

a) McDonalds or Dominos Pizza

b) Ask

c) We just did...

d) Any Michelin starred establishment

e) I’d rather have a curry any day

f) Does Mcdonalds or Dominos Pizza class as a “meal”?

15  What would you consider the MOST annoying?

a) To continue to receive daily Dominos Pizza leaflets

b) To meet in one room and at the same time all of those listed in question 13

16 Chinese or Indian?

a) Chinese

b) Indian
c) Why doesn't Petersfield have a Mexican, it would make a fortune? 

17 Twitter or Facebook?

a) Twitter

b) Facebook

c) Are they mutually exclusive?

d) No

e) Okay then, both

18 Point of clarification

a) That last question was flawed. How do I

          indicate that I use neither?

b) Answer d) No

c) Ah

d) No d)

e) No Ah! Not “R”

f) Ah

19 Rugby or football?

a) Oval ball

b) Round ball

c) I like both AND understand how a grown man (or woman) can be kicked

          and punched playing rugby and yet burst into tears if another
          player so much as touches him (or her) playing football.

20 Have you ever fancied a cartoon character?

a) Yes

b) No

c) What sort of question is that for Christ’s sake?

21 Are you religious?

a) Yes

b) No

c) See what you did there 

22 What would be your ideal holiday destination?

a) Ivory Coast

b) Egypt

c) Libya

d) Japan

e) I think I’ll stay at home this year

23 Mars, Galaxy or Milky Way?

a) Mars

b) Galaxy

c) Milky Way

d) Space travel never appealed, not even as a child

24 Salt and Vinegar, Cheese and Onion or Plain

a) Salt and Vinegar

b) Cheese and Onion

c) Plain

d) That reminds me, can we add Gary Lineker to the list

          in question 13

25 Where do you stand on trials for common assault?

a) Prison sentencing should be mandatory

b) Bring back hard labour
c) It's a commoner, what do you expect. 

d) Portsmouth, but we may get our own court in Havant

*For the purpose of this questionnaire “Leigh Park” should be regarded as Greater Leigh Park, Havant, Bedhampton, Rowlands Castle, Waterlooville, Wecock Farm, Horndean and Clanfield.

Banging Bordon

A party in Barracks Close goes on beyond 3:30am 

Maverick Television, maker of Channel 4’s Embarrassing Bodies, is to base itself in Bordon, north of Petersfield, to film a series about noisy neighbours this summer.

Series Producer Meg Affone told Newswire: “This is a nailed-on certainty to be a great show, just the sort of cringe worthy TV that so many of our viewers like to watch these days.

“There should be feuding, arguing and hopefully some fisticuffs as the warm summer nights approach and uncaring neighbours blare their migraine-inducing music out of wide open windows until the early hours.

“It used to be the case that you could call in a police officer to smooth things over, but I've been reliably informed there hasn’t been one of those seen in the area for months. So bring it on.”

Bordon isn’t the only local town set to host new TV series with ITV1’s Jeremy Bile Show setting up base in a pre-fab studio in a clearing in Havant Thicket.

This venture was the host’s idea, Bile told the national press: “I know my show gets a slating from many quarters, but it is hugely popular with the young unemployed. It gives them something to get out of bed for.

“There is a huge number of grunting unemployed chavs in this area and we are providing them with their chance to be seen on TV.

“We’ll have oodles of material here with dysfunctional families and all the topics we normally cover available on tap.”

The makers of Channel 4’ Big Fat Gypsy Weddings are also rumoured to be moving into the same pre-fab studio with a view to making a series entitled “My Spaced Out Hoodie Wedding” but Newswire has yet to receive confirmation that this has received the funding required.

A Way too far

A part of the trail that is open, at Havant

Determined not to be left in the considerable shadow of the brand new South Downs National Park, creators of the Shipwrights Way have announced that it is not quite ready to open.

Meandering from Alice Holt forest through the picturesque National Park and on towards Portsmouth's historic dockyard; walkers will one day be able to follow the route that felled oak trees  once took for use in shipbuilding and repair.

Grasping to the coat tails of the new National Park, flyers for the walk, handed out at the launch of the South Downs National Park, make much of the beauty of the countryside and of the opportunity to ramble, picnic, horse ride and see wildlife.

Bordon in the spring sunshine

Unfortunately, anyone following the trail will also need to traverse through the urban sprawl of Whitehill, Bordon and then after the tranquillity of the Park, Rowlands Castle, Havant and Leigh Park.

We asked Annie Danehow, who confirmed to Newswire that the trail is not yet ready..., what she thought about the necessity to include these less than picturesque areas.

"We are trying to transport people back in time, to let them experience the journey that the oak drays would have taken up until as late as the early 19th century.

Some ramblers in Rowlands Castle. 

“The journey would have been fraught with danger, and the closest we could get to that experience today is to take walkers and riders through some of these conurbations.

"The draymen will have had to be on their guard; and the experience for anyone making the journey these days will be much the same, perhaps with a friend riding shotgun!"

All hail the Queen of East Havantshire

A map showing the rough outline of the area covered by the joint council

Following the news that East Hampshire and Havant councils are to be jointly run the newly enthroned Queen of East Havantshire has made her inaugural statement to her loyal subjects within the combined district.

Speaking from her the gold-encrusted power boudoir within Penns Palace, the Queen decreed: "It is easy to assume that East Hampshire and Havant are so different and incompatible that the new Kingdom of East Havantshire is an ill-conceived social experiment, certain to end in big Queenie tears.

"Yes, areas around Petersfield have many wealthy residents investing in public services by paying tax on large properties while places like Havant, er, haven't.

"But as your Queen, it is my solemn and regal duty to point out that Havant and Petersfield are in fact perfectly suited to each other.

"Petersfield is an affluent, leafy and creative market town which boasts a huge sense of local pride, successful schools and a strong beating heart at the centre of the community. And that's exactly what the people of Havant want too.

"People choose to live in Petersfield because they value the open spaces, the excellent transport links and its enviable position at the centre of the South Downs National Park. People in Havant share that envy.

"And Petersfield families have shown they know how to manage their money while people of Havant want some of it.

"See. A match made in Havantshire. Welcome to my world."

Boundary Bounders Abound

The demarcation line with Rowlands Castle on the left and the National Park on the right

Hampshire District Council (HDC) faces a bill for a huge clean-up operation; following the action of some of its overzealous employees.

On 31st March 2010, the prettiest and most valuable swathes of England’s southern downland, were given the recognition and protection they deserve by being awarded National Park status.

Evan Elpuss, HDC’s Chief Executive said: “Those living within the now clearly defined boundaries of the Park are justifiably proud and perhaps a little smug, that they now live within a National Park".

The boundaries of the Park have been very clearly defined and the reasons for that are understandable. No-one would want to gaze across at the warm glow of the setting sun only to find that it is actually the dying embers of a burnt out Vauxhall Astra.

North of Petersfield the perimeter of the Park skirts Borden and to the south, Rowlands Castle, Cowplain and Horndean have all been carefully avoided. It is concerning this boundary that some unfortunate damage has been done.

HDC employees were given instructions that they should mark the boundary; beginning with the areas that were thought to be most troublesome. It was intended that graffiti and fireproof signage be erected; along with, in places, tasteful barbed-wire fencing.

Unfortunately, having referred to the demarcation maps, the order to mark the boundary was completely misconstrued and mirroring the map itself, red lines have now been painted across large areas of the countryside.

Elpuss said: “This is all very embarrassing and I apologise to all those that have been affected. The only positive point is that, with the paint being on the outside of the boundary of the Park, no real damage has been done.

“We will hold a meeting next week to determine whether, under the circumstances, it is worth the time and effort to remove the paint”.