Rain of terror

 

Gaddafi sheltering from the rain because he hasn't yet built a bandstand 

News broke last night that Colonel Gaddafi was reaching out to opposing factions with a last-ditch gesture of reconcilliation.  The leader's olive branch is in the form of a bandstand; an edifice that he hopes will bring peace to Libya. Colonel Gaddafi has been moved by the news that Petersfield Town Council has dismissed calls for a bandstand to be built, and, believing that it is a wonderful idea, is set to offer just such a monument to the Libyan people. The Libyan dictator, broadcasting live on Al Jazeera TV, with umbrella in hand, said: "This structure will be a symbol of the harmony that has been reached between our peoples." Newswire's roving reporter questioned the Colonel on why he had chosen a bandstand as the symbol of peace. "Music is a manifestation of harmony," Gaddafi intoned. "But for harmony we must all work together. This is a beautiful and meaningful symbol. "I was also moved by the turmoil endured by the people of Petersfield who are being denied a bandstand by a cruel and vindictive dictatorship - their Town Council. This form of tyranny should not be tolerated in our modern world and I beseech the people to fight for their bandstand." Petersfield's bandstand is likely to make national news headlines as a result of Gaddafi's speech. A bandstand widely thought by the local population to be a fitting and appropriate momento of the Queen's diamond jubilee. The stumbling block appears to be that a non-council member came up with the idea and the Town Council would rather burn the money than waste it on such an innovative and popular project thought up by a member of the public. Gaddafi added: "England's Queen Elizabeth is a music-loving demagogue like me - and she would love such a bandstand."

Ideas flood in for Petersfield's diamond jubilee celebrations

An appropriate and respectful artwork?

Suggestions on how Petersfield should celebrate the Queen’s diamond jubilee next year have been rolling into the Newswire offices.

Queen Elizabeth II, whose real name is Lizzie Sax-Coburg, has been sponsored by a Cunard liner for the majority of those 60 years, and Capt Harry Hornblower RN Rtd, from Buriton, suggested this could be recognised by the placement of a tramp steamer in Petersfield Lake.

German immigrant and garage owner Kurt Esycar believes the monarch’s German heritage should be honoured.

He explained: “I vould like to zee recognition of her German anzestry in any zelebrations. I vas going to symbolically occupy the Polish shop in Station Road, but zum bastard got zere before me. I suggest we have ze video of Germany’s trouncing of England’s zo-called fussball team on a permanent loop on a large screen in ze town square.”

Local ‘actor’ Tarquin Stage-Presence had a part in a crowd scene in the recent BAFTA-winning King’s Speech, which was about the Queen’s father. He believes a bust of actress Helen Mirren – who portrayed the Queen in the popular 2006 film Casino Royale – would be a wonderful way to celebrate 60 years on the throne.

He said: “Darling Helen has never been afraid to get her bust out if the scene called for it. And as long as it’s done artistically it could be a money-spinner.”

Avid republican NT Monarchist, of a park bench somewhere in Queen Elizabeth Country Park – another sponsorship deal which is often overlooked – is another who believes a statue would be a fitting memorial.

“How about a group of working class people with a massive leech sucking cash out of them?” he snarled. “That would be accurate. It could be made from all the recycled shotgun cartridges Prince Philip has fired off at innocent wild animals.”

Other less-serious suggestions have included a classic car show and a tug-of-war, but council spokesman Ben Back-Bencher said only respectful and symbolic ideas would be considered.

“While we all enjoy light-hearted ideas such as a classic car show or tug-of-war, we realise that they would not be viable suggestions if we are to ensure the town is not a laughing stock,” he admitted.

“I think it’s most likely we will have a farmers’ market with some tacky inflatable kids’ things and some local musicians who won’t charge us anything and we’ll give it a special name. It’s worked perfectly well on other occasions.”

Send your ideas for Petersfield’s diamond jubilee celebrations to stuff@petersfieldnewswire.co.uk

Time to make a stand

A proper bandstand, not a crap brick version.

Petersfield Cricket Club have given their full backing for plans to erect a bandstand in the middle of Petersfield Heath to mark the Queen's Diamond Jubilee.

A mixture of crazy and worthwhile ventures have been put forward to celebrate the milestone including a large inflatable crown that could be enjoyed by children as a kind of bouncy royal castle and a half-scale model of the ex-royal yacht Britannia to be used as a permanent floating venue on the lake.

The bandstand seems to be the people's favourite and the cricket club are right behind the project, but some believe the backing is merely the verbal equivalent of ball-tampering.

Alf Volley, spokesman for the club, said: "We think the new bandstand is a fantastic idea."

Yet many remain suspicious of the cricket club's enthusiasm. The club has suffered at the hands of vandals recently and the bandstand might prove a welcome distraction to young thugs.

First-team skipper and chinese international batsman Lee Ding-Edge conceded: "Only this week we have has some nutter carving up the wicket, speeding around on some sort of quad-bike. This would give the local pondlife something else upon which to vent their frustration."

Sally Bray-Shun, talking on behalf of the Jubilee Committee for Petersfield, said: "I'm afraid Volley and Ding-Edge are wide of the crease with that one. The bandstand would be fully vandal-proof.

"We have only £30,000 to spend and, constructed from brick, the bandstand will probably look crap. In my experience that makes it vandal-proof. Hooligans won't try to destroy something that already looks as though someone else has already had a go at it."

Bray-Shun denied the Jubilee Committee had contacted the fairground operators, to enquire how much it would cost to buy the kiosk that houses the "Fishing for Yellow Plastic Ducks" game.

"There is no truth behind this rumour and in fact this is probably larger than the structure we would be able to afford."

All hail the Queen of East Havantshire

A map showing the rough outline of the area covered by the joint council

Following the news that East Hampshire and Havant councils are to be jointly run the newly enthroned Queen of East Havantshire has made her inaugural statement to her loyal subjects within the combined district.

Speaking from her the gold-encrusted power boudoir within Penns Palace, the Queen decreed: "It is easy to assume that East Hampshire and Havant are so different and incompatible that the new Kingdom of East Havantshire is an ill-conceived social experiment, certain to end in big Queenie tears.

"Yes, areas around Petersfield have many wealthy residents investing in public services by paying tax on large properties while places like Havant, er, haven't.

"But as your Queen, it is my solemn and regal duty to point out that Havant and Petersfield are in fact perfectly suited to each other.

"Petersfield is an affluent, leafy and creative market town which boasts a huge sense of local pride, successful schools and a strong beating heart at the centre of the community. And that's exactly what the people of Havant want too.

"People choose to live in Petersfield because they value the open spaces, the excellent transport links and its enviable position at the centre of the South Downs National Park. People in Havant share that envy.

"And Petersfield families have shown they know how to manage their money while people of Havant want some of it.

"See. A match made in Havantshire. Welcome to my world."