Ho ho ho.

Official stocking filler

Petersfield Town Council (PTC) received some awful news last night when the “Santa” booked to entertain the crowds in town on Christmas Eve, had to cancel.

Santa Baby contacted the Council to tell them that she was not going to be able to come to Petersfield this year, as she had read that Heath Pond, which she (or one of her colleagues) has in recent years used as a landing strip, far from freezing over, has in fact disappeared.

Appearing rather scantily clad for a traditional Santa, she cited global warming as being to blame for most things, that or French plastic surgeons.

Santa Baby, despite her looks, is not easily swayed either; she sounded grateful for the excuse saying that this would give her the window of opportunity she needed to pop back to France to complain about some “enhancements” that she was worried about. She said she was going to struggle to pay for possible restoration work; murmuring something about rising French inflation rates.

Speaking on behalf of PTC, Dirk T Oldman said: “This is nothing short of a disaster; I’ve been looking forward to this all year. The replacement Santa we’ve been offered is a big chap with yellow teeth and his own beard, I shall cancel the booking immediately”.

Time to make a stand

A proper bandstand, not a crap brick version.

Petersfield Cricket Club have given their full backing for plans to erect a bandstand in the middle of Petersfield Heath to mark the Queen's Diamond Jubilee.

A mixture of crazy and worthwhile ventures have been put forward to celebrate the milestone including a large inflatable crown that could be enjoyed by children as a kind of bouncy royal castle and a half-scale model of the ex-royal yacht Britannia to be used as a permanent floating venue on the lake.

The bandstand seems to be the people's favourite and the cricket club are right behind the project, but some believe the backing is merely the verbal equivalent of ball-tampering.

Alf Volley, spokesman for the club, said: "We think the new bandstand is a fantastic idea."

Yet many remain suspicious of the cricket club's enthusiasm. The club has suffered at the hands of vandals recently and the bandstand might prove a welcome distraction to young thugs.

First-team skipper and chinese international batsman Lee Ding-Edge conceded: "Only this week we have has some nutter carving up the wicket, speeding around on some sort of quad-bike. This would give the local pondlife something else upon which to vent their frustration."

Sally Bray-Shun, talking on behalf of the Jubilee Committee for Petersfield, said: "I'm afraid Volley and Ding-Edge are wide of the crease with that one. The bandstand would be fully vandal-proof.

"We have only £30,000 to spend and, constructed from brick, the bandstand will probably look crap. In my experience that makes it vandal-proof. Hooligans won't try to destroy something that already looks as though someone else has already had a go at it."

Bray-Shun denied the Jubilee Committee had contacted the fairground operators, to enquire how much it would cost to buy the kiosk that houses the "Fishing for Yellow Plastic Ducks" game.

"There is no truth behind this rumour and in fact this is probably larger than the structure we would be able to afford."

Anglers fail to take the bait

Hundreds of fish have hailed Petersfield Angling Club’s decision to leave the town’s lake as “a victory for common sense”.

The club has allowed its lease with Petersfield Town Council to run out after several outbreaks of blue-green algae in the water killed thousands of fish.

But while a spokesman for the club expressed disappointment, the fishes’ representative, Frank Pike, has hailed the move.

He said: “We will now be able to get on with our lives without the fear of being pulled out of the water at all times of the day and night for the amusement of a few individuals.

“Heaven only knows what they get up to in those sleeping bags and bivouacs that give them those disgusting stains. It is a victory for common sense. It's enough to make you believe there is a cod!”

A spokesman for the town council added: “While we are naturally disappointed that the angling club has taken this step it does have a couple of benefits. For a start people can walk round the lake with their children without being told to ‘Shush!’ by the great unwashed.

“And obviously with the lake not in use we can fill it in and use it as a car park like we have done with the High St.

“Everyone’s a winner really…”