Ideas flood in for Petersfield's diamond jubilee celebrations

An appropriate and respectful artwork?

Suggestions on how Petersfield should celebrate the Queen’s diamond jubilee next year have been rolling into the Newswire offices.

Queen Elizabeth II, whose real name is Lizzie Sax-Coburg, has been sponsored by a Cunard liner for the majority of those 60 years, and Capt Harry Hornblower RN Rtd, from Buriton, suggested this could be recognised by the placement of a tramp steamer in Petersfield Lake.

German immigrant and garage owner Kurt Esycar believes the monarch’s German heritage should be honoured.

He explained: “I vould like to zee recognition of her German anzestry in any zelebrations. I vas going to symbolically occupy the Polish shop in Station Road, but zum bastard got zere before me. I suggest we have ze video of Germany’s trouncing of England’s zo-called fussball team on a permanent loop on a large screen in ze town square.”

Local ‘actor’ Tarquin Stage-Presence had a part in a crowd scene in the recent BAFTA-winning King’s Speech, which was about the Queen’s father. He believes a bust of actress Helen Mirren – who portrayed the Queen in the popular 2006 film Casino Royale – would be a wonderful way to celebrate 60 years on the throne.

He said: “Darling Helen has never been afraid to get her bust out if the scene called for it. And as long as it’s done artistically it could be a money-spinner.”

Avid republican NT Monarchist, of a park bench somewhere in Queen Elizabeth Country Park – another sponsorship deal which is often overlooked – is another who believes a statue would be a fitting memorial.

“How about a group of working class people with a massive leech sucking cash out of them?” he snarled. “That would be accurate. It could be made from all the recycled shotgun cartridges Prince Philip has fired off at innocent wild animals.”

Other less-serious suggestions have included a classic car show and a tug-of-war, but council spokesman Ben Back-Bencher said only respectful and symbolic ideas would be considered.

“While we all enjoy light-hearted ideas such as a classic car show or tug-of-war, we realise that they would not be viable suggestions if we are to ensure the town is not a laughing stock,” he admitted.

“I think it’s most likely we will have a farmers’ market with some tacky inflatable kids’ things and some local musicians who won’t charge us anything and we’ll give it a special name. It’s worked perfectly well on other occasions.”

Send your ideas for Petersfield’s diamond jubilee celebrations to stuff@petersfieldnewswire.co.uk